So, I'm at school right now, and it's one of the days that I have a really big break before choir. I was planning on using this time to practice, but I came to the computer lab and got all thoughtful like so I thought I'd post what I've been thinking about today.
I just got done with my voice lesson about a half an hour ago, and he told me something that I've been thinking a lot about today. It's really kind of bothering me really. It's one of those moments when you really start to evaluate your progress and who you are. So after the warm-ups he asked to hear the song that I've been working on. I love this song. It's in French, it's about cradles, and its beautiful. It's the same French piece that we sang the year I was in Graces. I loved in then, and I love it even more now. So I finish singing and he comes over to the piano, sits down, looks right at me, and tells me that he's going to be very blunt with me. In my head I was all for it. My heart had a few reservations, but I was ready to hear what he had to say so that I could improve at the thing that I love to do. He told me that he thinks that I try to sing like T and that he really wanted me to sing like me. I'd never thought of my singing or my life like that until today. The things I've always thought I had trouble with in singing were fear and my lack of experience. I'd never considered that I wasn't being true to MY voice. So he had me do a few exercises that showed me what my real voice sounds like. It was like I was being introduced to a new person or something. It was one of those moments when you sort of second guess your whole everything.
So this experience in my voice lesson made me consider other areas of my life. I've been thinking a lot about my writing style, and what Ms. Parrish said to me last year about being very mindful of my audience in a not so good way because I lose voice. Then I thought about my blog and how I feel like I've been getting a lot better at being who I am on here, but am I really? I just don't know anymore. Is that weird that that simple comment made me second guess everything?
I've really been getting better at being who I am, especially at school. I told Katie yesterday that I really acted like me yesterday, but I wonder how often I go into the mode of being what other people want me to be. If I hear something that sounds good then I want to sound like that, if I read something that sounds good then I want to write like that, and if I see someone that acts well then I want to act like them. It makes sense, but it's not always what's best.
I've been working on bringing my whole self together all the time. That probably doesn't really make any sense. What I mean is that I've sort of been trying to sew together all the different pieces of my self. It's not that I'm someone fake when I'm with people, but sometimes I don't bring my whole self to the table. I often hide certain parts or leave other parts out for later. I'm trying to think of some type of example so that this makes sense. It's like there's this part of me that wants to be a certain kind of person, and so I change certain thing to be that kind of a person. It's like when I first meet people it's really hard for me to talk to them because I really want them to like me. So in order to know what they like I observe who they are, what they do, who they hang out with, and what makes them laugh. Then I can sort of make a judgment on what I should be when I'm with them, I guess.
I'm not a different person around different people, but I think that I bring out certain parts of myself when I'm with certain people. There are certain people that I can be my full people around all the time because I know that they'll love and accept me no matter what; but there are other people that I leave certain parts out because I know that they won't like it. I don't really know how to explain what I mean, but the moral of the story is that I'm working on this.
I'm working on not being afraid of failure and not being afraid of letting people see the real me. Going back to my singing... I'm working on making my singing be my voice because my voice is important. Other people's voices are important as well, but they're important because it's their voice. You know, as much as I would like most people to like me, not everyone is going to. As much as I might want to sound like someone who I think sing beautifully, I have a beautiful voice too. It's different, but that doesn't make it less important.
I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night and Jilian (the trainer) asked Colleen what she was afraid of. Colleen told her that she was afraid of failing. Then Jilian explained to her that it would be better to try and fail then to not try at all. So that's what I'm going to try and do. I'm going to try my best to be the friendly and sweet person that I am all the time. That's the goal: I'm jumping in with both feet. Because doesn't it feel so much better when you jump into things with both feet? Dare to show enthusiasm (that's from a book.) That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to dare to show enthusiasm; I'm going to dare to care about people; I'm going to dare to be who I really am. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy to gather all the parts of who I am and combine them together everywhere I go, but this isn't a time in my life where I want to shy back into a corner because I don't feel like I'm going to succeed.
This is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to work on it each day. I'm going to stretch my box bigger by being a better me because it's important to me. I'm going to go and hang out with someone I met today and not be afraid that she won't like who I am. Because I don't want to be someone else, I want to be me.
Yeah...
Things are really looking up right now. I'm working harder than I've ever worked before, but I love it. This is something that is really important to me, and it's right. School, family, life, everything is really, and in all seriousness, coming together. That doesn't mean that things aren't hard, and it definitely doesn't mean that I have any clue what I'm doing at this point, but I know where I'm headed and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm excited to discover my own voice in both the literal sense and the metaphorical sense. (I don't even know if metaphorical is a word, but I'm using it anyway.)
You know, greatness is waiting for each one of us. I don't mean the whole fame and fortune thing. I mean inner greatness, and succeeding at the things that make us happy. I'm excited to be a music teacher, and I'm excited to discover the true depth of my potential. I'm stretching myself pretty crazily right now, but it's going to shape me into what I want and need to be. Thanks for listening, friends. Once again, my post was probably a bit disjointed, but that's all right. Things don't have to be perfect every time, and neither do I. Good luck with everything. I really and sincerely hope that all of you are doing well right now. I think about a lot of you more often than you think.
-Fluffy
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6 comments:
It's not weird to think that. I sometimes don't think about things until someone makes a random comment about it and it sends me reeling. There are so many things you don't even know about yourself until you bother to ask! I always thought I knew who I was, but when I really asked myself I found that I was a totally different person. That can be scary sometimes, but it's definitely important and it can help you grow a lot.
That's an awesome experience. Isn't it amazing how many life lessons we learn while trying to improve one small area of our life. I'm glad that you are daring to do so many great things. I've actually been thinking a little bit about that lately. I have a volleyball class where I'm sort of looked up to (not just literally). I always try to be a good team player and encourage people, especially when they say "I can't do this," because we all know that we can do WAY more than we think we can. Other days though, I feel like I'm the grumpy stickler who gets irritated when people ask perfectly normal questions in my intro chemistry class. It's hard for me to find an inbetween, though I'm pretty sure it's mostly me being selfish. Really, I just feel like I don't want to be seen as too soft about certain things, but really it doesn't matter how people "see" me at all. It's just about me being the person that I am and not even worrying what they think. Just yesterday I told Chris that I honestly don't care what people think of my long and crazy hair. I can tell you that it's dead true. I just don't care, but to say that I don't care how they perceive me as a person would be a flat-out lie. I don't want people to think that I'm the softie who is a pushover about everything, but I don't want to be the hardnose about everything either. I really just need to be the person that I am. It really doesn't matter, but that's the hardest thing for me right now. Thanks for the inspiration, it definitely helped me out. The way that you came upon this whole thing is awesome. Good luck at school tomorrow.
Your friend always,
James Gardner
(Good work, James). Hey, Melissa. So yeah, comments like that happen to me all the time. Not even kidding, it's a little ridic. But oh well. Haha. And ... I love to say it. I TOLD you that everything would get better. But did you believe me? Well, it doesn't matter if you believed me, because now it's getting better. ;) So I'm glad. Toodles.
If you were a guy, you'd be a stud.
Since you're not, I've got no idea what to call you. But good work Melissa.
It's totally not weird to be sent off on this thought process by one little comment. It happens to me all the time, and others have said so too.
That's interesting, what your teacher said. I've heard you sing, and I never really thought of T, but I suppose your teacher's heard you sing a lot more than I have. I would probably agree with him, though... I mean, it's important to find our own voices. Same with writing. If I'm writing like another author, I won't be for long... ignoring your own voice and being critical tends to cause major writer's block. It's important to stay true to myself and be honest and confident.
I'd be really interested in doing those exercises and finding out what my real voice sounds like...
One more thought... you know, it's not such a strange or bad thing to act differently in different situations. I mean, that's adaptation, right? I think it's human nature to be different around friends and people you don't now very well. I also sorta believe that who we are, as in our creative selves or expressive selves, is a big conglomeration of all the pieces of art we've ever seen, all the books we've read, all the songs we've listened to, and the ones we like the most affect us the most. But then there's another part that truly is unique, one little spark that makes it all unique, puts our own spin on it... and if we can find out what that is, if we can tap into it, that's when we become great.
Can I just say we have the coolest friends ever? Good post. Way good. Dare to be enthusiastic....I'm going to work on that. Why not give it my all? There's no reason to hold back. Good thought :) So...I'll be seeing you soon! Have fun at your retreat!
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