Happy post sixty everyone! I know it's probably not really that cool, but I feel pretty good about it. If I feel awesome about sixty, can you imagine how 100 is going to feel? This is great. So the past two posts were relatively depthless. Not that I don't think they weren't important, but I was in a different place with different people, and the atmostphere of my blogging was a big different than it is when I'm sitting at home posting. When I'm at home and I'm alone, I get to really write what I'm thinking because I'm focused solely on posting. When I'm away it's a bit more difficult to focus on just one thing, so tonight will be a post full of more emotion and depth. That's the plan at least, so we'll see how it goes.
Tonight I might actually be on an emotional overload. I'm sorry if that's weird, but it's true. I'm sort of feeling a lot of things at the same time tonight. I'll try and explain most of them, but a few are just too close to my heart, and those will remain there. So, I'll try and explain to you parts of what I'm feeling and thinking while I'm writing tonight. I'd like to think that I'm pretty honest on this blog, but sometimes there are things that shouldn't be shared with anyone who feels like passing by, and I'm afraid that a lot of the emotions I'm feeling right now fall into that category. So, I'll do my best.
Today I've been feeling really strange about the whole friend thing. I talked to Wilenys about it the whole way home, and can I just say that I'm super grateful for her? She's such a good listener. Anyways, so I was talking to her about leaving everyone again, and I told her that I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who STILL has a hard time with leaving. Poor Katie came in and comforted me today as I cried about leaving and being away again. It's silly, but it's hard for me to visit. It's hard for me to be with people I really care about, have a super awesome time, and then leave again. I'm not saying that I won't do it again, because that's just silly. I loved it way too much to not go back again. In fact, I'm planning to go back in a few weeks, but it's still hard for me. The hardest part is fearing that they'll all move on without me. I even fear that I'll move on too, and that things just won't be the same when I come to visit in like January or February. It just scares me to think that I might lose relationships with people that I really really care about. I'm sorry if I sound desperate or lame, I'm trying really hard not to be either of those things, but I just miss people. I miss being around certain people, and I don't really know what to do about it. Texting and IM is great, but I still miss being with people and laughing with people.
I sound pathetic, but really I'm hurting pretty bad tonight. That's really the whole synopsis of my feelings right now. Pain. I'm happy with how things are going at school and everything, so it's not that I'm not happy. It's just that I'm scared for how other certain relationships might change. I don't want them to change, but even this weekend I felt like a few things were different. It should be different, but it's just hard that it is. I just really don't want to let go.
You know, I do want you to know that I'm happy though. It's not really unhappiness that I'm feeling, I'd probably describe it as pain and anxiety rather than unhappiness. I feel happy about school and stuff. I'm not so happy about church though right now. I love going to church still a lot, but I really need to find a ward to call my own. I need to either stay at my homeward or go to the student ward, and right now I'm still hopping between the two. I think that finding my niche in a ward would really help right now. I'm going to pray about that one this week for sure.
I really hope that everyone is doing well tonight. I hope this post wasn't depressing, because it wasn't meant to be. It was meant to give you a glimpse into the emotions I had today. I'm really doing great here, I'm just struggling with a few things. I know that it'll all work out for the best and that I just need to keep my trust where it should be. I was reminded that quite a few times in church today. Things are going to work out, and things are happening the way they're supposed to. It's just going to be rough for me every once in a while, and that was kind of what today was: rough. I miss all my friends, but I'm so happy that they're doing great things that are making their lives better. Good night everyone, and good luck with everything you're working on and doing. I hope everything works out well for you.
-Fluffy
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2 comments:
Sorry to hear about the bad feelings... It is hard to leave friends. I'm missing everyone right now. Nick said he wants to come visit Ogden, though, and I'm not sure how much you guys have talked about it or whatever, but I'm sure you could come too. We could have a movie night or play games or anything fun. I know there's not a whole lot of draw here in Ogden, but it's a thought. You're one of those friends I miss. :) Good luck with school this week.
Jaron! I would love to come and visit you sometime :D That would be awesome, and I'll definitely talk to Nick about it soon and we'll figure something out. Good luck with your week too :)
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