(8) A might change of heart (8)

So today was a really interesting day for me. First off I would really like to point out that a generous amount of sleep can do wonders for my emotional status. Let's just say that earlier today was really difficult for me. I went to my very first day in the singles ward, and it really was a good experience, and I know that it's the place for me; however, I just couldn't stop feeling terrible. I'm not really sure what it was other than I've been feeling like my life has been a whole lot crappier for me lately. It's been really hard for me to put my self out there because I'm so afraid of something. I'm not really sure what it is that scares me, I just can't seem to allow myself to be myself all the time anymore, and it's been really hard. I'm not sure if I'm scared to let people in because I might get hurt or if I feel like I'm just not good enough, I just don't really know what it is. The singles ward really did help though. It's small which will be really good for me, and the people seem to be really nice. I was always really scared about going to the singles ward because of the stereotypes that go along with singles wards, but it's not like that at all. It seems like most of the people are just there to be in a ward that has other people in it going through the same things they are. I like it because we're not all "students" and it's not as big as the student ward. I was really grateful today that something really felt right. Things haven't really felt right for a really long time, so it was a nice break to feel good about something.

Even though all this stuff seemed to kind of fall into place during the singles ward, I still couldn't help but feel sad. A huge part of it was definitely lack of sleep, and I realized that when I woke up from my nap. I think that another part may have been the fact that this is still a lot of changes to take all at once. It felt like going to a new ward was just another HUGE change, and I'm just not sure that all these changes should really be coming all at once. And I think that the last reason is probably just because things have been hard lately. I really can't remember a time when I've been so unstable. I just feel like every single minute of every day is a potential moment for me to fall apart into a huge mess of emotional instability, and I don't know what to do about it. I think I've cried more in this past month than I have in my whole life. It's just been really really hard.

So funny story. I realized how unstable I really am today in sacrament meeting at my home ward. My sister came in and asked me if I'd done my hair today, and I nearly broke down. It was like she was telling me that I was the worst person she'd ever met in her life. I just couldn't hold myself together, and I literally went into this mini depression for like ten minutes. It was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. When I was all emotional, I just kept thinking about how ridiculous I was acting. I still can't believe that her telling me my hair wasn't very cute today was that big of a deal to me. If that had happened two months ago I probably would have brushed it off, but a lot has changed in two months. Wow, it kind of hurt to write that sentence. Did anyone else feel the pain in that? Man, I need to get a hobby or something.

So I took a nap today, which was the best and worst decision I've made in a long time. It was the best because, let's be honest, I've been a really emotional person because of my lack of sleep. Things are hard, but adding not enough sleep on top of that is a terrible idea. It was the worst because I missed two really important things to take a nap. I still feel kind of bad about that actually. So yeah, my goal is to attempt to get eight hours of sleep as often as I can. Now that means that I have to go to bed at nine or ten depending on the night. Does that sound like a risky goal that might not come true? You better believe it. But I'm going to do my best to make that one happen because I can't keep feeling like an emotional crazy because I haven't slept enough. So yeah, that's my goal for this evening. Tonight's a ten o clock night, and those nights will definitely be easier than the nine o clock nights.

So moving on from that. I want to tell you about a really cool experience I had today. It even happened before my nap, so you know it has to be good. So background. My mom has a really terrible cold right now, and her favorite dessert is applesauce cake that my grandma makes. So my grandma calls today and tells my mom that she has some applesauce cake, and in the background as I'm washing dishes, I hear something about convincing someone to do something. I immediately assume she's talking about me, and I was definitely right. So my mom asks me to go and get some cake from my grandma's house, and in my emotional state, I don't say anything at the risk of crying, and I head out the door with my sister in tow.

So we get to my grandma's house, and I decide that it would be a good thing for me to go inside because I haven't seen my grandma in quite a while. I was going to send my sister in, but I decided that that wasn't a very good idea. So we go in and sit down and my grandma starts chatting with us. My grandma's a really funny lady, so it was all right. Then we start talking about the things that we get when she dies because my grandma really likes to talk about that for some odd reason. So I tell her about this beautiful glass doll that I really love, and she jokes about how I've wanted that since I was a little girl. It's true. I always have wanted it. So we go into the room to look at some of her glass things in her cabinet and she pulled out her thimble collection. For those of you that don't know, I also have a thimble collection so it was pretty neat to see all of her old thimbles because pretty much all of mine are new ones. I have a few that she gave me a while ago that are old, but not very many. So she starts to show me them, and I realized that I am completely fascinated with these thimbles that my grandma has. I forgot how much I love things like that, and it was really cool to talk with her about my grandpa and all of her thimbles. It was just a cool experience. I just wish that I'd been more awake and happy so I could have enjoyed it more. It was still cool though, and I'm glad it happened. It made my day a little bit better, and I really needed that.

Well, I think I've exhausted my stay on my posting, so I'm going to head out. Note the time. Twenty minutes until bed time. A little less time than I wanted for some scripture study, but it'll have to do for tonight. Good night, friends. I hope everything is going well for all of you. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I'm terrible at talking on the phone, but I'll do it any day for the people I care about ;)

-Fluffy