(8) A might change of heart (8)

So today was a really interesting day for me. First off I would really like to point out that a generous amount of sleep can do wonders for my emotional status. Let's just say that earlier today was really difficult for me. I went to my very first day in the singles ward, and it really was a good experience, and I know that it's the place for me; however, I just couldn't stop feeling terrible. I'm not really sure what it was other than I've been feeling like my life has been a whole lot crappier for me lately. It's been really hard for me to put my self out there because I'm so afraid of something. I'm not really sure what it is that scares me, I just can't seem to allow myself to be myself all the time anymore, and it's been really hard. I'm not sure if I'm scared to let people in because I might get hurt or if I feel like I'm just not good enough, I just don't really know what it is. The singles ward really did help though. It's small which will be really good for me, and the people seem to be really nice. I was always really scared about going to the singles ward because of the stereotypes that go along with singles wards, but it's not like that at all. It seems like most of the people are just there to be in a ward that has other people in it going through the same things they are. I like it because we're not all "students" and it's not as big as the student ward. I was really grateful today that something really felt right. Things haven't really felt right for a really long time, so it was a nice break to feel good about something.

Even though all this stuff seemed to kind of fall into place during the singles ward, I still couldn't help but feel sad. A huge part of it was definitely lack of sleep, and I realized that when I woke up from my nap. I think that another part may have been the fact that this is still a lot of changes to take all at once. It felt like going to a new ward was just another HUGE change, and I'm just not sure that all these changes should really be coming all at once. And I think that the last reason is probably just because things have been hard lately. I really can't remember a time when I've been so unstable. I just feel like every single minute of every day is a potential moment for me to fall apart into a huge mess of emotional instability, and I don't know what to do about it. I think I've cried more in this past month than I have in my whole life. It's just been really really hard.

So funny story. I realized how unstable I really am today in sacrament meeting at my home ward. My sister came in and asked me if I'd done my hair today, and I nearly broke down. It was like she was telling me that I was the worst person she'd ever met in her life. I just couldn't hold myself together, and I literally went into this mini depression for like ten minutes. It was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. When I was all emotional, I just kept thinking about how ridiculous I was acting. I still can't believe that her telling me my hair wasn't very cute today was that big of a deal to me. If that had happened two months ago I probably would have brushed it off, but a lot has changed in two months. Wow, it kind of hurt to write that sentence. Did anyone else feel the pain in that? Man, I need to get a hobby or something.

So I took a nap today, which was the best and worst decision I've made in a long time. It was the best because, let's be honest, I've been a really emotional person because of my lack of sleep. Things are hard, but adding not enough sleep on top of that is a terrible idea. It was the worst because I missed two really important things to take a nap. I still feel kind of bad about that actually. So yeah, my goal is to attempt to get eight hours of sleep as often as I can. Now that means that I have to go to bed at nine or ten depending on the night. Does that sound like a risky goal that might not come true? You better believe it. But I'm going to do my best to make that one happen because I can't keep feeling like an emotional crazy because I haven't slept enough. So yeah, that's my goal for this evening. Tonight's a ten o clock night, and those nights will definitely be easier than the nine o clock nights.

So moving on from that. I want to tell you about a really cool experience I had today. It even happened before my nap, so you know it has to be good. So background. My mom has a really terrible cold right now, and her favorite dessert is applesauce cake that my grandma makes. So my grandma calls today and tells my mom that she has some applesauce cake, and in the background as I'm washing dishes, I hear something about convincing someone to do something. I immediately assume she's talking about me, and I was definitely right. So my mom asks me to go and get some cake from my grandma's house, and in my emotional state, I don't say anything at the risk of crying, and I head out the door with my sister in tow.

So we get to my grandma's house, and I decide that it would be a good thing for me to go inside because I haven't seen my grandma in quite a while. I was going to send my sister in, but I decided that that wasn't a very good idea. So we go in and sit down and my grandma starts chatting with us. My grandma's a really funny lady, so it was all right. Then we start talking about the things that we get when she dies because my grandma really likes to talk about that for some odd reason. So I tell her about this beautiful glass doll that I really love, and she jokes about how I've wanted that since I was a little girl. It's true. I always have wanted it. So we go into the room to look at some of her glass things in her cabinet and she pulled out her thimble collection. For those of you that don't know, I also have a thimble collection so it was pretty neat to see all of her old thimbles because pretty much all of mine are new ones. I have a few that she gave me a while ago that are old, but not very many. So she starts to show me them, and I realized that I am completely fascinated with these thimbles that my grandma has. I forgot how much I love things like that, and it was really cool to talk with her about my grandpa and all of her thimbles. It was just a cool experience. I just wish that I'd been more awake and happy so I could have enjoyed it more. It was still cool though, and I'm glad it happened. It made my day a little bit better, and I really needed that.

Well, I think I've exhausted my stay on my posting, so I'm going to head out. Note the time. Twenty minutes until bed time. A little less time than I wanted for some scripture study, but it'll have to do for tonight. Good night, friends. I hope everything is going well for all of you. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I'm terrible at talking on the phone, but I'll do it any day for the people I care about ;)

-Fluffy

(8) The Sound is gone forth (8)

So today went pretty well, I think. I got up kind of early and went to have some breakfast at Molly's house. Who knew that Honey Bunches of Oats would be the best cereal of my life? It was pretty spectacular, and it was good to see Katie and Molly before they left again. Food and friends. What could be better than that?

After I got home from that I got the wonderful opportunity to mow the lawn. It wasn't really that bad today because it was overcast, so it wasn't hot and stuff. That made it easier for me to not be grumpy about it. Then I did some other random stuff before my concert, so it was a pretty productive day.

My concert was so awesome. The song that we sang with women's choir was different, but I still liked it. After we sang with the women's choir, the women's choir left and the men came and joined us on stage. It was awesome. We had four weeks to prepare and memorize 3 songs, and we rocked it. I'm pretty sure Dr. Allred is a miracle worker or some kind because it was an amazing experience. Doing college choir is so much different from high school choir. Everyone really wants to be here, and everyone is really trying their best. I love it so far.

After we finished I got to go and sit in the audience with my mom and listen to the U singers. Holy mariah they're amazing. They sing beautifully, and I really hope that I can be in that choir some day. They get to go to Europe, and they sing beautifully. It was just spectacular.

So yeah, my day was pretty good today. After the concert I watched a movie with a two girls from school so that was fun. I was somewhat social today :D Five points for me. So yeah, it was a good day.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I'm heading to bed. Have a great night everyone, and I hope that you're all doing well.

-Fluffy

(8) Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh (8)

I'm super tired tonight, but I though it would be a good idea to post. It'll kind of make up for the day that I missed a few days ago. So I guess you could say this is kind of my last day of blogaday, but I think I'll also try to keep this up. I really like being able to get on the computers at school and just read about everyone's day. It just makes me feel like I'm still a part of all of that awesomeness, and it makes me feel good.

I went to an institute dance today, and that was good and bad. It was good because it was pretty fun and a few friends came with me. It was bad because I'm still really terrible at the whole social thing. Sometimes I just wish that I could be who I am and that people would accept me for it. It's no big deal though, I talked to a few people about it, and I think that a lot of people are going through pretty much the same thing. This is hard, but it'll smooth out eventually. It's just hard right now.

Anyways, today was a pretty good day, I went to school, tutoring, hung out with some friends, went to the homecoming game, tried to meet people unsuccessfully, and now I'm here posting on my blog. It's been a pretty good day. I even had a normal conversation with someone at school. There's a first time for everything.

Well I'm off to bed. I hope you're all having a great night, and I hope things are going well for you all. Good luck with everything you're doing :)

-Fluffy

(8) Oh I love technology... (8)

So I'm sure you're all dying to know why I didn't post last night. Maybe you're not, either way I'm going to tell you though so here I go. Last night was good and bad. I went to a play at PTC with some friends, their mom's, and my mom. It was actually pretty fun besides that fact that it lasted forever. So moving past that, I got home around 11:30 and went to turn on my computer to post, and it wouldn't work. So I tried it again, and it turned on! So the homepage thing loads and I look down and my internet isn't working. So in my head I'm thinking all sorts of pesimistic things about my stupid computer, and I decide to head upstairs to post from the last resort: my home computer. I get up there and try out the internet, and guess what? It wouldn't work either. Needless to say, I'm pretty upset about it. I was doing so well at the blogaday thing, and all of my dreams were dashed to pieces two days before the last post. Yeah, I'm not too happy about it. That aside, I would like to write down the things I was going to say yesterday. So this post is written today about yesterday with a little bit of today thrown in just to keep things interesting.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I haven't been getting too much sleep these past few days. I've probably been running on an average of 5 hours a night which isn't very good for me, but I'm going to try and fix that tonight. Maybe it'll be easier since I can't get on my computer... :( Anyways, I'm really going to try and stop dwelling on that.

There's some really important stuff that happened to me yesterday. Theory had me REALLY stressed yesterday. We have to turn in these weekly assignments of like 10 papers, and it just stresses me out to finish them all and turn them in, and I usually leave them until the last minute which is bad. So I was pretty stressed about that and being at school until forever. So I was just having kind of a rough day, but I was really looking forward to institute. I always look forward to institute, but I really felt like it was something that I really needed this week. It's just been kind of a rough and stressful week, and I couldn't wait to get to the institute building.

So, I rode TRAX up to the building, and walked in, and I felt so much better almost immediately. It was like I was walking into a safe zone. I just feel like institute is a place where people still care about me and want me to grow and get better. So I went to class and Brother Milburn's powerpoint wouldn't work. So, background on the powerpoint, I think it's great and everything, but I've kind of been missing having discussions about things because we're not focused on something like a powerpoint. That probably doesn't really make sense, but I just really needed something different yesterday, and I got exactly what I needed. I felt so good throughout the whole lesson, and I really gained knowledge on a few things that I've been lacking. It was one of the best classes I've been to. When class was over and I was leaving, I decided to walk back to the music building. I felt so good about things, and I felt like I was seeing things from a whole different perspective. A better perspective than the one I've been having the past few weeks. It was just a feeling like, things are hard right now for a reason, but it's for a reason so it's ok. I just felt really good about the whole experience.

Things are going to be all right. I had a glimpse of sunshine today in my singing lesson. I didn't get much sleep again last night, so I've been pretty tired all day. So I went to my lesson walking rather half-heartedly, and when I got there he greeted me with a smile and asked about my week and everything, and I just felt so good. I really feel like I'm improving just from being with him for a half an hour a week. It's so cool to hear my voice getting more developed and stronger, and for the record I went down to a low C today which is awesome. He told me I'd been holding out on him. It's pretty great. The best part was that he told me that next semester he thinks I should go to an hour long lesson because he thinks I have potential. Hearing that made coming to school worth it today. I love to sing. It's great.

So yeah, sorry that I didn't post yesterday. I really wanted to, and I'm sorry that my computers weren't working. But I'm here again, and things are going all right. Katie and Molly are coming down tomorrow and we're going to party it up at the institute dance so that'll pretty fun. I hope you're all doing really well. This post might not make too much sense, I'm sort of tired. So sorry about that. Have a great day, and I really hope you're all doing well :)

-Fluffy

(8) All in all, I'd rather have detention (8)

Look at me go. It's 10:30 and I'm nearly done with my homework. I was convinced that it was going to take me a lot longer than this. It only took me around 4-5 hours of study and stuff which is better than I thought it would be with the dreaded theory being the main course of study tonight. I put it off, so it's totally my fault for not being farther along on it. I just hate it so I don't do it. I'm really going to try to be a better student in that class. I have to. It's my hardest class and I'm really struggling in it; however, I recognize that it's definitely my bad on that one. I'll work on it. I won't work on anymore of it tonight, but probably tomorrow or the next day. The plan is to study it sometime before Friday haha

So today was an interesting day. We got homework in musicianship which actually makes me kind of happy. I really like that class so it's kind of fun to do the homework. I just have one of those professors that makes you want to learn whether you really want to learn or not. Her personality is totally contageous, and I'm totally in to what we're doing in there. Pronotation is not for squares, it's for me, and I love it.

Keyboarding is... long. I like it, and I'm doing pretty well, but we have a lot of practice time, and my attention span isn't that great. I'm adjusting though, and I really like playing with the strings 1 setting on the keyboard. The song that I wrote sounds so much cooler played with violins, violas, and cellos. It's great, and that's definitely the best part. The messing around part that is. Oh, and I have that class with Nick. That's fun too.

Pre-Performance vocal was long again. My friend really likes it, but I'm not so sure. It's interesting that's for sure. We're learning about vocal health and stuff which is really interesting, but sometimes the class kind of drags on. It's all right though, we get out early a lot, and I'm hoping there won't really be testing (knock on wood).

I also have brass study on these days hahaha You should see me try to play the trumpet... it is definitely something to see. Other than the flute I've never played a blowing instrument before, so it's really weird to buzz my lips. They get all tingly and weird feeling after class. I CAN make a noise now though which is actually a pretty big improvement for me. I'm even getting most of the notes at this point. Yay me.

My last class today was choir. I'm really liking it, and the lady next to me complimented me today on being all the way memorized. It made me feel pretty good. I wish I could say that I'd worked pretty hard for that, but I didn't go over the music too much. Luckily being in class helps a lot with the whole memorization thing.

Sorry if that was boring. It probably was, and I wasn't really thinking about it being boring. My bad. I'm not really sure what else to write about and I don't really want to drag this out anymore because I feel like you're all sitting through my pre-performance vocal class, and I wouldn't want to place that kind of lengthiness on anyone.

I'm doing well tonight. Today was better than yesterday, but I still wouldn't get it very many stars out of 5. I did get to laugh at some pretty funny dr. allredisms today though. A kid that sits in front of me in choir writes down all the funny things that my choir director says. They were pretty hilarious. I'm trying to remember the funniest one...

I thought of a pretty funny one, but I wish you all knew the guy who says this stuff. I didn't realize he was funny until this kid pointed it out. I'm too terrifed of him to think he's very funny, but he really is. He looked at this kid the other day and said, "Don't choke on your gum." I'm pretty sure he wanted him to... I'm glad that wasn't me.

I'll have to think of some other ones. Maybe I'll start writing some down and post them everyday. Maybe it'll make choir less terrifying. Maybe not. We'll see.

Well, I'm out. This post was kind of wasteful, but I guess it might be cool to hear about how my classes are going and stuff. I guess you guys can decide that one. ;) Well, good night everyone. I hope everything is going well for all of you. Have a spectacular night.

-Fluffy

(8) Love of life means hope for me (8)

All right, so a few very important things changed for me today. The most important one was choosing a ward. I've been feeling pretty scattered with church lately. I've been going to church every week, but it's been at a different one pretty much every week since school started. It's been hard to find my niche in that part of my life, and so I decided to do something about it today. I'll get to how that turned out later in the post.

Today I went for a run/walk. It was really really great. I just really needed to get out of the house today and forget about school and life in general. I also used this time to think about some things. Oh quick funny story of the day. So I ran by some kid and he did the rock on sign to me. At least I think it was to me, because when I turned around to look at who he was waving at there was no one else there so i just kind of smiled and kept running. It was weird. Anyways, back to the other story. I was really focusing on just clearing out my thoughts, when I started thinking about what ward I wanted to continue to go to. I had three choices: singles ward, home ward, and a student ward. So I was running/walking along wondering in my head about what I was going to do when I really just felt like the singles ward is where I need to be right now. In the student ward I was getting lost. There are tons of students that attend that ward, and I felt really minute and kind of unimportant. I think that it might be a good idea for me to start somewhere where a) I feel relatively comfortable b) it's small enough that I'll be noticed and appreciated and c) somewhere that feels right at this point in my life. I really haven't been to the singles ward since I sang for Savior of the World so I hope I like it, if not I'll just call the bishop and have him transfer my records back somewhere else.

So yeah I prayed about it a bit and read some scriptures and I really feel comfortable with my decision. It'll be different that's for sure, and I'm still not really sure what to do about a few complications with leaving my homeward, but right now I feel like this is what I need to do for myself right now. I need to start breaking away from a few things and start doing a few more things on my own. This is the first step towards that. Next step, moving closer to campus! haha Well, maybe. We'll still take this one step at a time.

I'm not going to lie. As far as today went with improving myself, I get 1 out of 5 stars; however, tomorrow is a new day. I decided after my run that I need to change a few things. I'm working on that a lot. Once I figure out exactly what I'm going to change I'll let you know. I just need to figure out a few things, and tonight was a big step towards that. I found a bit of strength that I didn't know I had before, and I'm going to do my best to pursue that. Tomorrow's a new day and a new chance to do a better job at what I'm supposed to be doing. It'll be a great day, I can feel it.

If you'll glance at the titles that I use, they generally have something to do with the post or something I'm thinking. Some of them really are just random because no song I know applies to what I've written about, but tonight the title means something really special to me. That song line really says a lot about how I feel tonight. I want to do better, and I'm really going to try hard to do that. I want to love life again. I want to wake up and want to go to class because I feel like I have a purpose in being there. Thatcher wrote yesterday about taking this all one day at a time, and I'm going to try that too. I'm going to try and stop focusing on the negative or the things that aren't quite perfect, and I'm going to continue to focus on the good things about myself and my life. There's so much good that I can be doing, and I feel ashamed at all the lost opportunities I've had these past few weeks as I've been focusing on myself a lot. I think I've sort of lost sight of what's really important, and I'm going to do my best to find the important things in my life and hold onto them. School's important and everything, but really there are things that are a lot more important.

So the goal for tomorrow is to try and do my best again. I got pretty good at a few things last year that I've stopped being good at. Like sitting by lonely people and wearing a smile most of the time. I think I lost sight of that for a while. I won't be perfect at this, especially not at first, but I'm going to do my best because it's important to me. It's important to me because I know that doing those things will make me happy in the long run. I'm going to stop wandering through each day, and I'm going to try and live each day with a purpose. It's important to me. And I'm going to do it.

Sorry if this post was lengthy. Have a great night friends. I hope you're all doing well. I really appreciate the support and help you've all given me at various points in my life. Have a great day tomorrow. Tomorrow's another opportunity for greatness.

-Fluffy

Just a glimpse...

Happy post sixty everyone! I know it's probably not really that cool, but I feel pretty good about it. If I feel awesome about sixty, can you imagine how 100 is going to feel? This is great. So the past two posts were relatively depthless. Not that I don't think they weren't important, but I was in a different place with different people, and the atmostphere of my blogging was a big different than it is when I'm sitting at home posting. When I'm at home and I'm alone, I get to really write what I'm thinking because I'm focused solely on posting. When I'm away it's a bit more difficult to focus on just one thing, so tonight will be a post full of more emotion and depth. That's the plan at least, so we'll see how it goes.

Tonight I might actually be on an emotional overload. I'm sorry if that's weird, but it's true. I'm sort of feeling a lot of things at the same time tonight. I'll try and explain most of them, but a few are just too close to my heart, and those will remain there. So, I'll try and explain to you parts of what I'm feeling and thinking while I'm writing tonight. I'd like to think that I'm pretty honest on this blog, but sometimes there are things that shouldn't be shared with anyone who feels like passing by, and I'm afraid that a lot of the emotions I'm feeling right now fall into that category. So, I'll do my best.

Today I've been feeling really strange about the whole friend thing. I talked to Wilenys about it the whole way home, and can I just say that I'm super grateful for her? She's such a good listener. Anyways, so I was talking to her about leaving everyone again, and I told her that I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who STILL has a hard time with leaving. Poor Katie came in and comforted me today as I cried about leaving and being away again. It's silly, but it's hard for me to visit. It's hard for me to be with people I really care about, have a super awesome time, and then leave again. I'm not saying that I won't do it again, because that's just silly. I loved it way too much to not go back again. In fact, I'm planning to go back in a few weeks, but it's still hard for me. The hardest part is fearing that they'll all move on without me. I even fear that I'll move on too, and that things just won't be the same when I come to visit in like January or February. It just scares me to think that I might lose relationships with people that I really really care about. I'm sorry if I sound desperate or lame, I'm trying really hard not to be either of those things, but I just miss people. I miss being around certain people, and I don't really know what to do about it. Texting and IM is great, but I still miss being with people and laughing with people.

I sound pathetic, but really I'm hurting pretty bad tonight. That's really the whole synopsis of my feelings right now. Pain. I'm happy with how things are going at school and everything, so it's not that I'm not happy. It's just that I'm scared for how other certain relationships might change. I don't want them to change, but even this weekend I felt like a few things were different. It should be different, but it's just hard that it is. I just really don't want to let go.

You know, I do want you to know that I'm happy though. It's not really unhappiness that I'm feeling, I'd probably describe it as pain and anxiety rather than unhappiness. I feel happy about school and stuff. I'm not so happy about church though right now. I love going to church still a lot, but I really need to find a ward to call my own. I need to either stay at my homeward or go to the student ward, and right now I'm still hopping between the two. I think that finding my niche in a ward would really help right now. I'm going to pray about that one this week for sure.

I really hope that everyone is doing well tonight. I hope this post wasn't depressing, because it wasn't meant to be. It was meant to give you a glimpse into the emotions I had today. I'm really doing great here, I'm just struggling with a few things. I know that it'll all work out for the best and that I just need to keep my trust where it should be. I was reminded that quite a few times in church today. Things are going to work out, and things are happening the way they're supposed to. It's just going to be rough for me every once in a while, and that was kind of what today was: rough. I miss all my friends, but I'm so happy that they're doing great things that are making their lives better. Good night everyone, and good luck with everything you're working on and doing. I hope everything works out well for you.

-Fluffy

(8) We didn't start the fire (8)

So tomorrow will officially be post 60 of my entire blogging career. I'm pretty excited about that. It's really not that many, but for me it's pretty cool. Katie says sixty is an odd number, but what does she know? She doesn't even blog ;) Anyways, today was pretty fantastic.

The very best part of today was playing Twister. I'm not usually much of a Twister player, but I thought it would be really fun to join in on the fun tonight. I definitely wasn't the best, but I gave my all every time which felt spectacular. I'm so sore, but it was some of the best fun that I have had in a long time. I'm a relatively competetive person, so that was really fun to challenge people. I won like once, and that felt pretty good. It was great fun, and I loved it a lot!

The second best part was the farmers market. Katie bought me a peach, and it was one of the greatest peaches I've ever eaten. I think that peaches might very well be my very favorite fruit. Speaking of my favorites, I'm starting to learn that there are a few things that I really like and that I really get into. Emperor's New Groove, Heavyweights, peaches, Cafe Rio, quoting funny movies, basketball, and competition in general. There just all things that really make me happy.

Well, I'm super tired so I'm headed to bed. Good night, friends. I hope everything is going well for you all. Sorry for the substanceless post.

-Fluffy

(8) L is for the way you look at me (8)

So tonight I'm posting with a very special guest. Her name is Katie, and we're friends. I'm posting from Logan which is super awesome, and we're having a great time. We're going to interview Katie tonight. This'll be fun for me as well as for everyone who gets the opportunity to read this.

Melissa: So Katie, how's college life treating you?

Katie: It's just going so great! I love it here. Classes are great, and people are getting more friendly. Or maybe I'm just getting more social. Either way, it's turning out OK.

Melissa: She's lying. She'll get better at this interview as we get farther into it. For now we'll accept her mediocre replies.

Katie: Ok, first off Melissa is a horrible interviewer. Mediocre my foot! You all must keep in mind that it's like one in the morning and Melissa and I ate an entire pizza all by ourselves tonight. Yeah, it's been intense.

Melissa: So Katie, how many boys have hit on you since you've been away to college?

Katie: What is with everyone assuming that boys hit on me? It's only happened like twice hahaha. This is definitely nothing like high school. Boys ignore me. Next question :)

Melissa: Boys definitely don't ignore her, but that aside, onto the next question. What's been your favorite class so far, and why?

Katie: So many to choose from. Behavior Analysis would have to be my favorite though. Besides the fact that my professor is a hard core behavioralist, obviously, the class is pretty awesome. The other day in class we got into a huge debate. It was the class arguing for free will against Cheney arguing that behavior is based on the reinforcement. It was pretty intense. I love it :) The best part though, is that in a week I get my very own rat. That's right. I get my own lab rat to condition. I'm so excited. And even better, it's not a pigeon. I also love my Developmental Psychology class because the professor is awesome :D

Melissa: I would definitely love my classes more if I was taking care of a pet rat. I can see why you really like that class. OK, so now we're going to feed my ego for a minute. For the final question of the interview we're going to ask Katie a really important question. Katie, what is the best part about having me in Logan with you?

Katie: Well obviously, the best part is me getting to shove an entire piece of pizza in my mouth. Jk, although that was pretty fantastic. The best part about having my best friend back with me is...well that's just it. I have my best friend back with me to be a part of my world for a weekend. Plus it saves me a trip down to Salt Lake ;) For one weekend it feels like nothing has changed. It feels like the world is right and everything is how it should be. "She's fun and you're not. She completes you." Story of my life. So now I can be myself for a weekend and it'll be so great. I love having Melissa here. All those in favor of Melissa moving to Logan? That's what I thought, you should just stay here Melissa.

Katie: So this has been pretty fun. I've never posted on a blog before. It's kinda interesting. I don't ever write for an audience...mostly because I never have anything to say. So Melissa, back to you.

Melissa: Thanks, Katie. I think we all really enjoyed hearing from you about your college experience, and me. haha It's been amazing being here in Logan. I love it a lot, and I'm super happy to be here. This was definitely a different post from the previous ones, but I hope it added a little bit more fun to my blog. Good night, friends. I hope that everything is going really well for all of you, and I hope you enjoyed this post. Good luck with everything.

-Fluffy

(8) If I cut my hair, if I change my clothes, will you notice me? (8)

OK so today was super awesome. Well, at least the beginning and the end. The middle was filled with some... interesting adventures, but I'll talk about that a little later in the post. Ok, I'll talk about it now because it was the most terrifying thing of my life. I'll try really hard to be kind. So, I had like a four hour break between my last class and my sorority, and that's not enough time to go home and then come back because it's just not worth it. So I decided to ask a few girls from my sorority that are also in the music program what they were doing after the whole class thing, and they told me they were going to IHOP. I thought to myself, self, this will be great. I'll get to know these girls better and I'll eat. It sounded perfect. No, it wasn't perfect. The boy that was driving was crazy. He thought it would be fun to drive 25 mph over the speed limit. So before I go further you have to know that I am an extrememly cautious person. I don't really like to do things that are too exciting unless they're planned, I'm in a weird mood, or they're not really that exciting.

So, moving on with the story. This kid finally gets pulled over by a cop for being an idiot, and the cop asks this kid to get out of his car. Meanwhile, there are four girls in this crappy car on the side of the freeway entrance. So, the cop proceeds to lecture this boy about how driving fast is bad. I really wanted to get out of the car, run to the cop, and hug him. He told him that when there are other people in the car he has more lives that he's responsible for and all that jazz. I was so happy that the cop told him off and gave him a ticket. I felt like he was looking out for me personally which made me feel pretty good inside. Anyways, so then the cop leaves and we leave as well and the kid proceeds to drive slower. I wouldn't say safer, but slower, and I'm still alive. That's the good news of the day.

Then, my sorority was super awesome tonight! Holy mariah I loved it. I really like the president because she's nice to me. I think that I'll really like it there.

So, onto the real subject of tonight. It's something that I was thinking about today that is really frustrating/angering me. So I don't really ever get angry. Well except that one time with Thatcher, and I still feel bad about that, but we won't go into that right now. So, I was thinking today about personal appearances. Now I wrote a post about this kind of a really really really long time ago. I think that it may have been either the very first or one of the very first posts I ever wrote. My opinion about the matter hasn't changed much except that it's gotten more mature, I suppose. So I was just thinking about all this personal appearance stuff and relationships and how you get one and all this mumbo jumbo of random thoughts floating through my head when I honed in on one thing that really irks me. I just wish that we weren't all so caught up in people's personal appearance. I can't say that I'm not, although I would like to think that I'm not "caught up" in it; however, I do notice it.

As i was thinking about this today I wondered why we all care so much about the way that we look and the way that other people look as well. Sometimes I just think that it's silly that we base so much of who people are based on what we see on the outside of people. All of these thoughts lead me to think about myself and where I fit into this whole beautifulness stuff. I guess that I think that I'm somewhat attractive. I am by no means a gorgeous person, but I think that I'm relatively average which is all right with me. I'm happy with myself the way I am. There are things that I would change if I could, but there are a lot of things that I wouldn't change because I like myself the way that I am. The thing that gets me so frustrated is when I feel like other people want me to change or make me feel like I need to change. The people that I'm talking about can be a number of things like the media, peers, parents etc. There are a lot of outside influences trying to get us to think about ourselves in a certain way and what we should look like to be accepted in society as a beautiful person. I just wish that it didn't matter so much. That's probably why my favorite scripture mastry from last year was 1 Samuel 16: 7. It just makes me happier inside to know that someone can look past all of the imperfections and into the most important part of people. Because as much as the world might try and convince all of us that the most important part is the outer, I know that the very most important part is the inner, what we're really made of, stuff.

I guess I just hope that someday, in the future, I'll meet someone who will look past my outer stuff and into the part of me that's actually worth something, or, more importantly, someone who will love both parts of me. Until then, I'll just keep working on improving and loving myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I keep pressing forward. Some days are more successful than others, but that's OK. As long as I'm trying my best to improve, improve, improve, then I'm doing what I know is right, and I think that knowing and implementing all of that into my life is and should be a lot more important than the headband I wear or the golden ratio of my face.

I don't know, this is just something that's really been bothering me lately. It's just sad that we base so much of our opinions of people on what they are on the outside. I realize that the outer is important for a number of reasons, I just think that we sometimes get way too wrapped up in that side of attraction and/or judgement or others.

Sorry if this was a weird topic of discussion. It was just really bothering me today; however, I'm still doing great. :) I didn't die today, which was definitely a plus, and tomorrow is the big day. I hope you're all doing well. Sweet dreams.

-Fluffy

(8) How lovely are the messengers (8)

So the sad story of the day is that a lot of my awesome goals went out the window today. As you can see it's nearly midnight. My goal for Monday and Wednesday is to be in bed as close to nine as possible, and let's be honest, it's totally my fault that i'm up this late. I chose to hang out with Alan and to stay up later. I'll pay for it tomorrow that's for sure.

Today was a pretty good day though! I talked (like had a real conversation) with some of my new friends which was excellent. I'm starting to kind of find my niche in this whole college world. I guess that it's a little bit easier for me because I have so many classes with the same people both days. The music program is pretty small, and my biggest class, other than choir, is capped at about thirty people. Heck, my college classes are smaller than most of my high school classes were. So it's pretty nice and I like it a lot. Well, except theory, but maybe it will grow on me. We'll see.

Well the new goal for tonight is to be in bed by midnight. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind right now, but I think I'll leave them for later or never we'll see what happens.

have a great night everyone. I hope that everything is going well for you all. I only have a few more days until I get to visit some pretty important people. I pretty much can't even wait. Good luck, friends. Everything is going to work out. I can feel it.

-Fluffy

(8) It's love we're dreaming of (8)

So, this post has to be relatively short. The goal of the night is to be in bed as close to ten o clock as possible. It's 9:49 right now so I have eleven minutes to write down all the thought I had today. So very first I just want to comment on music theory. Nick was my lifesaver today. Officially. He helped me with a lot of confusing theory stuff which was awesome because I'm not very good at theory yet. I'll get better...hopefully. That's the plan anyway. So yeah, theory class is the worse, but I really like my other classes, and today was a pretty good day. :)

I think that my very favorite class is musicianship right now. It's still pretty basic, but I love hearing things and trying to find out the tonic note and the solfege for it. It's just cool and fun to figure out. I'm actually relatively good at it which makes me feel pretty good. Someone made fun of my G Clef though... hmmmm other than that it was a great class. :) I also fixed my trumpet and so brass study was a lot better. I played notes today, and that was my greatest improvement thus far. Yay me!

I just erased two big paragraphs of stuff. It was about stuff that doesn't really fit tonight, but maybe I'll bring it up again in a different post. Probably not. I'm sorry that this post is lacking substance. Blogging is interesting. There are some things that I think during the day that I might write in a journal, but I wouldn't ever write it down here. It's not that it's bad or anything, it's just stuff that is too fragile. Fragile? I don't know. Maybe it's more that I'm too afraid to put some thoughts out there that are special to me. Parrish did always tell me that I was too worried about my audience, I think I'm getting better at that though. I'm better at free writing because of this blog. I'm still not wonderful, but any step forward is progress.

I'm over by two minutes, but that's all right. Good night, friends. Once again, sorry for the weird post tonight. I had more thoughts, but my self-consciousness and the life-sucking theory took it out of me. Have a great night! I hope all is well for you :) Things are going well here :)

(8) To Become Like Him (8)

Well here I am again :) Today went pretty well. I sat by a few new friends on TRAX today which felt pretty good even thought I only said like two words the whole time. It was still nice to be with people. I really did enjoy today. Music theory will be the downfall of me, but Nick said that he would help me with it which will be awesome.

Sorry it's such a short post, I'm pretty tired. It was a really good day though. One thought before I leave. I really appreciate the way that music affects people. I'm listening to some pretty inspiring music right now and it just makes me feel good. Music has some serious power attached to it, and I think that's what I love about it the most. It can be so beautiful. It's like music is a way of expressing emotions and feelings that you wouldn't normally say out loud. It's almost as if music is permission to be completely serious for a moment. Of course there's music that is fun and funny, but right now I'm really appreciating the music that gives that short glimpse into universal human feelings that are generally kept secret from other people. Most of us don't go around professing our undying love for another person, but when it's said in song it's generally accepted. I like that. I'm not really great at expressing exactly how I feel, but music is a way around that. There are a lot of other great things about music, but that's the one I've been thinking about today.

Have a great night friends. I hope you're all doing really well :)

-Fluffy

(8) Faith to find the answers (8)

So I have a feeling that this post is going to turn out differently than I've been planning it to turn out. Part of me feels really introspective tonight; however, I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about tonight, so I'll do the best I can.

I'm going to start off with an experience that I had today. Today was fast and testimony meeting, and I generally really like the first Sunday of the month for that reason. I think that a lot can be learned when people get up and tell others what they know to be true, and so I really like listening. Today was an exceptionally good testimony meeting, and I was feeling pretty good about everything. Then, my old young women's leader got up to bear her testimony, and she told everyone that she and her husband are moving. I'm pretty sad that she's moving, but as soon as she said it I had a really sad thought. I just couldn't stop thinking that everyone that I care about is leaving me. I know that it's all for a good reason, because, like I've said before, I believe that everything happens for a reason; but it was still just a really sad thought. I know that everything will turn out all right, and I'm not worried about that, but sometimes I just wish that more than my family and two friends weren't going to leave me for an extended amount of time.

Don't worry, the story gets better from here. I was sitting here right before I wrote this post and I came across a quote that someone really important to me said. It was about how everything will work out in the end even when it seems like it won't, and all that is required is a little bit of faith and patience. The hardest part for me on that is definitely the patience. I'm working on that though. I'm learning that it's better for me to take things one step at a time, and that all I need to do is my very best. I've gone from the point of trying to be the best to what James described as being my best. I think that's pretty important for me right now. There's quite a few things that I could be doing better, and I'm just not. But if I'm constantly moving forward and not backward then I know that I'm accomplishing something. It might not be a great something, but it's still me moving forward, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. I'm trying to make small but good improvements for myself and my situation. I'm not perfect at that yet. There are so many days that I come home from school and would much rather put on some crazy awesome Iron Chef instead of doing my homework, but I'm trying to do the things that are important and good.

You know, another thing I've been working on is being better for myself. I think that a lot of the things that I do are because I want other people to think something good about me. It's been really important to me lately to figure out the things that I want and to work on being better for me. College people don't much care about my success, so I guess I have to work on being successful for myself. Anyways, I don't want to talk about that anymore.

I'm feeling happy today. Sort of. I feel more stressed/content/unsure/hopeful/heartacheish. It's kind of a weird night for the whole feelings thing. I feel like things are just different, and they are so I guess that it's ok to feel that way, but things are just different. People are moving on, and I'm trying to move on too. I'm trying to look at things more positively so that I feel better about things. I've heard more than once that you get to choose if you're happy or not, and so I'm really trying to choose to be happy no matter what the situation is.

It's all working out. It's still difficult, probably more for me than for some other stronger people, but I'm trying to do my best. I hope you're all doing well and that things are going really well for you. I really care about a lot of you, and I hope you know that I'm always here if you need someone. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(side note added 20 minutes later) Some days I really miss my friends. Like today. :'(

(8) What I like about you (8)

So the first item of business for today is that I think it's really great when people post comments on things that I write. So thanks to everyone who's taking to the time to read this and/or comment. It really means a lot to me. I didn't even know I had four readers ;) Anyways, this weekend has been great. Has it been productive? Not at all. Has it been super awesome? For sure. I've spent a lot of time with some really great people, and it was really fun to be able to spend so much time with them this weekend.

Katie and Molly surprised me by secretely coming home this weekend and hiding in my house. It was pretty exciting, but let's be honest, I totally knew Katie was coming. How did I know? Because Katie texted me Friday and said so what are you doing after school? What are you doing after tutoring? What time will you be home? These questions all lead me to believe that she would be coming home or the weekend; however, Molly was definitely quite a bit sneakier than Katie. I really thought Molly was staying in Logan for the weekend. So, needless to say, I was super excited when I got home and saw some awesome people waiting for me.

So the unproductive part of this weekend has been the nonhomework part of my weekend. While I was with some people tonight, I realized that I have a test on Monday on 9 statements I'm supposed to have memorized word for word. I've had the assignment for like a week, but I haven't taken the time to study them yet. I really hope that I'll be able to get it all memorized for Monday. I did fix my trumpet today though! I thought that I was just the worst trumpet player in the world, but it turns out that I didn't fit the keys in the right way so it wasn't working. That means I won't be holding the class back anymore, and that is a spectacular feeling.

So today I went to this sorority breakfast at the institute, and it actually went a lot better than I expected it to. I was paired with a really nice guy that was pretty nerdy, so that went well for me. We talked a little about music, calculus, and some engineering stuff. It was pretty cool. We also made a napkin card because everyone stole all the real paper. So it turned into being an activity that I didn't perceive to be awful, and so that was pretty great. I felt pretty good about it. I'm still not sure how the real sorority part will work out, but the breakfast was fun and tasty so I'm sure everything else will work out too.

Well, I have church pretty early tomorrow, so I'm out. It was nice to write a post on a night that I feel pretty good. I'm still worried about some things, but I know it'll all work out well. Well, good night, friends. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. I'll miss everyone who's leaving me again, but I'll come visit super soon :D Have a great night!

(8) I turn my gaze toward the morning sun (8)

So, I am once again posting from the University. I think it's probably best for today because I have a lot that I want to write about, but when I get home and it's late, I never do it. So first awesome thought of the day. Some of my friends are coming home this weekend!!! You have no idea how happy I am to be able to see them for a little while. I mean, I'm going up next weekend, but seeing them a two weekends in a row is like eating ice cream twice a week. Once is great, but getting to look forward to another ice cream day is just so much cooler. That might not have made any sense, but it made sense it my head.

Second news of the day is that I just got done performing for my music ed class. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the scariest things that I have ever done. We had to choose 45 seconds from a piece that we've been preparing and sing or play it for the class. I chose Into the Night by Clara Edwards. I really love that piece, but let's be honest the acoustics in classrooms sucks. I felt like I was singing like a little mouse. That could be attributed to the accoustics as well as the continual shaking of every part of my body. So really I just exagerated a lot. It wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound, but I still wasn't proud of what I did. I had this huge plan to just be great and do my best, and I felt like I didn't show them what I can really do. I've felt like that a lot lately.

On TRAX today I thought about what I would say when people asked why I was all dressed up. I decided that I would tell them that I had a performance, and then they would proceed to ask me how it went. I decided I would tell them I'm ready to change majors. I'm not really, but sometimes I just feel kind of inadequate here. I feel like there are all these awesome, amazing singers that could sing circles around me, and I'm just some random girl who thinks this is what she wants to do with the rest of her life. I mean really college is going great. I'm making new friends that are pretty awesome, and I'm starting to adjust to all this craziness. I really like my musicianship class. I'm getting pretty good at hearing pitches and knowing where they fit into the scale, and I'm starting to learn cool words like tonic and leading tone. I just need to adjust still.

I think that the sorority thing killed my spirit last night. I'm pretty sure that I'm one of those people that just needs to not ever have to meet new people. I know that's not possible, but I'm pretty sure that I'm bad at it. It was all right, and they gave us food. I would say free food, but that's a lie because I had to pay to get in, but it was worth it. I hope. Alan made me feel better though. He watched some crazy awesome iron chef with me when I got home, and since that's my favorite show in the whole world, I was bound to feel better.

Next item of business. I did something this week that I really don't do. I quit something before I even tried it. I was going to join the institute choir, but I decided that staying until 9 two nights a week was just ridiculous. My mom made me feel bad by asking me how I would feel if they sang in general conference, and I would feel pretty bad if that happened actually; however, I still feel like that's not the choir for me and that I'll be better off as a person and a student if I take this first semester a little slower than I planned. I tend to be a bit overly ambitious when it comes to what I can really handle without getting stressed beyond reason. So, it was a good decision in the end, but it's definitely not something I do very well. I tend to do things whether I have time for them or not, so it's weird to start narrowing down my schedule to things that I really want to do. I feel good about it though, so that's good, I guess.

So yeah, life is pretty good. My friends are coming home this weekend, I'm going to see my friends next weekend, sorority will... get better, I'll be home around five every night but one, and I'm making new friends. I'm doing well, and this second week has definitely been better than the first week could ever have hoped to be. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. To those that are coming home this weekend, yay! I can't even wait to see you! So have a great day, friends. I hope you know how important all of you still are to me.

-Fluffy

(8) Do a deer, a female deer. (8)

Well, the plan for tonight was to talk about my sorority experience, but I have an early class again tomorrow, and I'm performing in it, and it's already really late for me to be up. So, the moral of the story is that plans have changed. College has taught me to be flexible, so that's what I'm doing. I'll tell you all about my experience tomorrow night. I'm sorry that I'm such a slacker on this blogaday thing. I apologize.

So, I hope that you're all doing well, and I will sincerely try to make tomorrow's post worth the trip to my page. Have a great night, friends. Good luck with everything!

-Fluffy

(8) I'l make a man out of you (8)

So, this post is going to be completely bogus and short. I'm really sorry about that. I feel bad that it's that way, but let's get serious. I feel like I got hit by a train. Ok so not really, but I'm exhausted. I can't be at school as long as I've been at school these past two days. It's killing me. I keep having to dig deep inside myself to find some energy. I don't think there's any left. I was going to write a clever poem, but I'm too tired to find the desire to do that. I'm sorry this post is lame.

I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to try harder to follow the title of my post ;) Good night friends.

-Fluffy

Who would have thought?

So, it's super late so this post will be super short. I just really wanted to check in before I went to bed. I was at school from 7:30 this morning until 8:30 tonight. It was a really long day, but it was really quite enjoyable at the same time. My classes were pretty fun today and I got to hang out with a new friend for a bit. So it was really a pretty good day.

The best story of the day is that I joined the LDS sorority. It sounds like something I would never do, but I can't even wait. I'm doing it so that I'll be able to make some friends that I have a lot in common with, so I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways, sorry it's so short. I have early class again tomorrow.

Good night friends. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. I'm doing all riht down here. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to or vent to. :) Have a great day tomorrow!

-Fluffy

(8) Fast Cars and Freedom (8)

So today was a very significant day. I'm going to be honest and tell you that I woke up this morning feeling really quite depressed again. It's lame, but I've been feeling that way quite a bit lately. I just have really been feeling low on myself and my whole situation; however, the day turned out quite differently than I thought it would.

I got to spend some time with some people that are really special to me. They hung out with me because I practically begged them, but it was still really nice of them. As I was spending time with them today, I really started to feel happy again. I'm not saying that the past week or so has been filled with 100% unhappiness, because it definitely hasn't. I probably wouldn't even say that 25% of my time has been unhappy. It's just that when my unhappiness reaches above about 10% I don't know what to do. I'm really used to being relatively happy most of the time. So anyways, the point to all of this is that today I decided to set some goals for myself.

I decided today that it was time for me to stop surviving through my days and to start living them instead. There are going to be a few positive changes in my life. I figure that starting out college is a good time to start improving myself too. I think that I kind of lost sight of what I want to be, and I'm ready to get back on that. School is important, but it's so much more important for me to develop the other sides of myself. I know that everything isn't going to go perfect, but it's going to get better. I have faith that it will. My aunt told me that it really might not get better, but I know that it will. I know that someone is watching out for me, and that He's guiding my life so that I can have the best opportunities to grow. That's how I'm looking at this new experience from now on- an opportunity to stretch myself and to grow as a person. This doesn't mean that it'll be easy, but will it be worth it? You better believe it'll be worth it.

So the moral of the story tonight is that I made some pretty sweet goals for myself. They're things that I'm really excited about accomplishing, and I'm ready to face the things that life is throwing at me right now. I can't promise that I won't get down on myself again, but I'm going to do all that I can to make those sad times fewer and fewer as I get better at doing my very best all the time. I feel strengthened tonight. I know that things are going to work out, and I know that I'm going through all of this for a reason. I'm one of those people that believes that everything is for a reason. I don't always know the reason, and honestly, I usually really wish I did know the reason, but I know it's all for a reason.

Sorry about all the errors in this post. I got really caught up in what I was writing. Thanks for listening friends, and I hope you're all doing well. It's all going to turn out all right. It'll probably even be better than all right. I'm shooting for spectacular tonight.

-Fluffy