(8) All by myself (8)

I don't really have too much to say tonight. It was a relatively uneventful day. I suppose that it's probably my fault that a lot of my days are uneventful lately. Maybe I need to do something fun and exciting tomorrow. We'll see what happens. It's kind of late, and I'm really quite tired, but I really wanted to check in and let everyone know that things are going all right.

I got to hang out with my uncle tonight. I haven't done that for a really long time, and I've really missed him. He actually, in his humorous way, made me feel a little better about stuff. He doesn't know that he helped, but he did. I appreciate when things like that happen. He's one of those people that I really care about, and I know that he cares about me too.

Anyways, I really just don't know what to write about tonight, so I'm headed to bed. Have a great night everyone. For my far away friends, I miss you. For my close friends, I hope everything is going well. Good night.

-Fluffy

(8) I'm that little bit of hope when you're back's against the ropes. (8)

So tonight I think that I might focus my entry on some more serious stuff. Not stuff that is too serious. haha Just stuff that I think is kind of important to talk about. So the whole point to this preface is to make you not freaked out by my seriousness. So, here I go.

Today I thought a lot about kindness and what it means to be kind. I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately because I've had a lot of time to observe people doing kind things while I have no one to talk to on campus. I just get so happy when I see people being kind to other people because we all have things that we struggle with, and it would be such a nicer world to live in if we could all be looking out for the people around us. I can't say that this past week has been filled with me giving a lot of kindness, but I have sure received a lot of it. I was sitting alone at lunch the other day, and a girl that I met came and sat with me and we ate lunch together. It was just something small, but it really did mean something to me. It made me feel like I was worth someone else's time. I think that's kind of what it boils down to. When we do something kind for someone else, it's almost like we're telling them that they're worth something to us.

I was riding trax on Friday and I looked over at this kid and he asked the three girls standing around him if one of them would like to have his seat. It was something simple, but it was so respectful and kind. It was probably not a huge deal to him, but it really meant something to me. There are so many terrible things going on in this world, and I'm just so grateful that there are still people who genuinely care about other people.

I just really appreciate good things that people do for other people. Sometimes when I watch the news I get conned into believing that everything around me is falling to pieces. But when I go out into the world and watch what other people are doing, I feel better. When I see someone offer their seat to someone else or help a sweet blind person find a chair safely I just feel good about things. Things are going to turn out all right. The bad will get worse, but I think that the good will also get better.

Anyways, I'm really going to try and work on being kinder to others. I'd like to think that most people are doing their best at this whole life thing, and I'd really like to be someone that tries to make it a little easier for the people I meet. Life's hard enough, and I think it's great when I see people trying to make it easier for other individuals.

Anyways, good night friends. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure that you're all people who are receivers and givers of kindness. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) I can show you the world (8)

So, I'm actually on campus right now. I thought it would be kind of fun to post from the actual University for one of my blogadays. I have a bit of a break between my last class and acappella on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I figured now would be a pretty good time to write something. One item of business before I get started. I'm typing on the biggest mac I have ever seen. I left my laptop at home today because I'm leaving somewhere right after school and didn't want to leave it in the car, so I figured today was a good day to use the music library computers. They sure are interesting.

So good things and bad things have happened today, but I feel about three billion times better today than I did yesterday. Strange how that works isn't it? Anyways, more about that later in the post. First, the bad. So, I went on TRAX like I do every morning but this stupid train said it was going to somewhere other than the University so I didn't get on it. Stupid train. It was definitely going to the University. So what happened? I was five minutes late to my first class. I felt so stupid. Anyways, I just had to move on from that one and not stress about it. Riding TRAX is an interesting experience all in itself. I have to time it just right or I won't be on time which is really new for me. Anyways, I'll have to work on being better at that riding TRAX thing.

So about my day being better. I just feel better. I know that it's probably only a temporary thing, but I really finally felt like myself today. Stuff is still all weird, but I talked to a few people as myself. It wasn't the self that I am when I'm all nervous and scared. It was just me, and they seemed all right with that. Yesterday I felt ready to transfer schools, but today I feel like it'll be all right. It wasn't a perfect day by any means, but it was more successful than yesterday. Plus, it's finally the weekend. I have choir left, but really that doesn't count. My first week of school was officially over around 11:35 or so. I didn't die. I did all right.

Lately when I've been getting down on myself, I've tried to focus more on helping other people. How is that working? Not so well. I'm trying to implement the whole sitting by lonely people, but seriously, everyone is alone here. There's a whole hill full of them. haha Anyways, I'm working on being better on not focusing on me and only me. I think that that's something that will really help me make friends and stay happier. Obviously yesterday wasn't focused on anyone else, but today I'll do better. That's the constant struggle- making every day better than the last.

I just thought you'd all like to know that I'm surviving ;) Sorry and thank you to those of you that helped me through my private pity party yesterday. I appreciate you all. Good luck with stuff, and adios from the University.

-Fluffy

Well... I feel pretty awful, so I drew a picture of things that I love so that i would feel better. it's just off of paint, so I realize that it's terrible. It did make me feel better though, so it was worth it.



This isn't all of my favorites of course. I wanted to put music up there for sure, but I figured I already had it as my picture on my profile. Anyways, thanks to everyone who's been an awesome friend to me lately. I sure need it right now. Good luck to everyone.

-Fluffy

(8) Feels Like Today (8)

You know, I might have used this title already too. Maybe I should listen to some new songs so that I have more titles to pick from... we'll see how that goes. So today started out well, turned bad, and then got awesome. It was kind of an odd day. I think that these days in school will be harder for me because I have longer breaks. I still have no friends, and so these breaks feel like years. It's OK though, I'm sure that it will get better.

The very best thing about today was definitely institute. I loved it! I'm so excited to have this New Testament class. For reals, it's amazing. There's only like 10 people in the class that I'm taking, but I love it. I'm really thinking about joining the sorority, but we'll see what happens.

I only felt like crying three times today, and that's just because I was feeling all sad for myself. I got over that pretty quickly and tried to make new friends, so that was fun and hard. I think that the most important things for me to do are to go into each day with a positive attitude and to smile as much as possible. When I smile I don't get too up tight and worried, so I think smiling is good for me when I get stressed out. Anyways, I'm super tired and I have early class tomorrow. Have a great night, friends. I miss you all. Good luck with school.

-Fluffy

(8) It feels like today (8)

Today was my second day of school. You might be wondering how it went, or I guess you might not be wondering how it went. Either way I'm going to tell you how it went. It was a lot better today. I felt more comfortable so that was good. I'm not saying that I'm completely adjusted or anything. If I said that, I would most definitely be lying to all of you; however, it was better. I felt better about the whole experience.

Story of the day! I got a new trumpet for myself. Well, I didn't get it for myself. It's for my brass study class! I get to learn how to play the trumpet, and then later in the semester I get to learn how to play the French horn! Is that the coolest thing you've ever heard? Because it's definitely one of the coolest things I've ever done. I even get a cute little locker to put it in. I know, it's cool. I'm sure I look super cool carrying it around campus too... ;) Anyways, that was definitely the coolest thing that happened today.

I have another story of the day! My musicianship class is really cool so far. Today we learned about the sulfage (I may have spelled that wrong...) system (do re mi etc.) and then we sang for a bit. It was really cool, and I liked it a lot. It's going to be one of my more difficult courses, but I think that I'll really enjoy musicianship. So I have officially visited all of my classes but my choir now. YAY!

You know, I'm not trying to steel Thatcher's topic, because I wouldn't want to do that; however, I thought a lot about what he said about his friends and things. I have a lot of time to think while I'm by myself on campus. Anyways, I've met some cool people, but really I can't see how it will turn into solid friendships. It's silly, because I know that some of them are bound to, but I can't picture any of them going that way. I just feel so alone right now on campus, I can't imagine walking with people and feeling as comfortable with them as I do with friends I already have. Sometimes I picture myself as being someone who you like after you get to know. It's not a bad thing, but it sometimes means that it takes me a little while longer to make good friends. But I'd like to think that once I do make friends, I'm pretty good at keeping them. I just think that making friends in college might take me a little while longer than it might take other people. It's not a big deal, but I hope that I'll be able to find people that I'll create good friendships with. I hope I'll find a few people that really care about me. I know that there are a lot of people that care about me, but when I'm at the campus all alone feeling a big lonely, it's hard to remember that.

I'm sure that everything will work out just fine. Today was an improvement from yesterday, and I'm sure that tomorrow will be an improvement from today. Well, I'm out friends. I hope you're all doing well. I miss you all terribly.

-Fluffy

(8) You are the New Day (8)

I feel like I've used that title before... hmmmm. I'm terribly sorry if I have used that title before. Anyways, today was my very first day of school. How did it go? I give it a 6 out of 10 as far as first days go. That may seem kind of low, but if you'd seen me last night, a 6 is generous.

I met a few new people which was great news. There's one girl that I have every single class with but one, so that's good news. She's super nice and I think we could probably be pretty good friends. All in all it was a pretty good first day of college. Tomorrow is definitely my more difficult day, so we'll see how I hold up after that one.

You know, I'm just not really very good at dealing with new things. I'm not very good at dealing with stress either, and new things are kind of stressful for me. It's kind of a double whammy. I really am doing fine, but still it's hard for me to adjust to. It's hard to feel alone so often, it's hard to make new friends, it's hard to grow up ;) I'm doing it, but it's hard. I know that it will get easier after a few days or weeks, but right now it's hard.

I did make the aCapella choir though! That was really awesome. The auditions was super scary and super hard, but I made it. I start on Wednesday. That was definitely the good news of the day. The bad news is that my card won't work for all the practice rooms- go figure. Oh, sorry that the bad news was last, I don't generally like it that way. Anyways, all in all it was a good day. It's hard to get used to, but it was good. I still miss having a few people around, but that's life I guess. I'm learning to take it in stride.

Good night friends. I hope that everyone else had good first days too. Good luck with everything that you're doing. And to those of you who seem to be millions of miles away from me, I miss you and wish you the best.

-Fluffy

um...yeah...

OK, so I feel super duper stressed right now, so I'm not really going to post. I might be back if I can't sleep. I feel completely overwhelmed right now. And for those of you that were rooting for me, I didn't pass my theory test. It's not that big of a deal, but still. Anyways, I just feel... awful. I'll let you know how school goes tomorrow.

So for now, I wish you all luck tomorrow. I think I might count how many times I feel like crying tomorrow. Maybe it'll be better than I think it will... I just need some sleep. see ya later. Peace and love friends.

-Fluffy

Emotional Graph

So for the past few days I've been making a graph in my head about how I feel about going to school. I decided that today was somewhere in the middle of terrified and excited. I'm happy to say that I haven't been to either extreme yet. I haven't been completely terrified or completely excited to start school. I was going to draw a graph in paint, but I didn't. Maybe I'll do that for my next post. So, instead of showing you a graph, I'll just put it on a scale of 1-10 for now. This method definitely isn't as affective, but it'll suffice. 1 is toward the terrified/sad side and 10 is excited.

So, the day that everyone left I was at about a 2. That was a pretty rough day on the going to school scale. The day after I was feeling a lot better. I would probably place me emotions for day 2 at about a 7 or so. I wasn't completely over being terrified or completely over the fact that I had no friends, but I was happy about it. My feelings went up and down for a few days and then Friday when I took the theory test and found out that I no longer had a class with Alan, I was back down to a 3 or 4. Today I feel a bit higher, but still kind of in the middle. I'm not really terrified anymore. I feel like I got past that part when I met new people at the theory test. I think that proved to myself that I can do this. Althought, riding TRAX could scare the pants off of anyone, but that's another story for another day. ;) Anyways, I'm excited though. I think that terrified has turned into nervousness, and so I feel excited and nervous about starting school. Actually, the more I think about it right now, the better I feel. I know that it's right for me, so I'm ready. I think... haha. I'll let you know how I feel in about a day or two.

It's really interesting to evaluate my emotions on a certain subject. I just think it's funny to see how different days make me feel differet ways. I guess that's one thing that I really appreciate about this blog. I get to take some time at the end of the day and evaluate how I felt about things. I definitely don't write about everything that I feel and think, but it's good to be able to write about a few things. Sometimes, I really don't want to write because I feel like I have nothing wrothwhile to say, which may or may not be true, but I still feel better about the way things went when I sit down and evaluate it. It's nice to take some time and write about my day. It's not always interesting, but it's still always me.

Well good night friends. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) You're gonna want this back (8)

This post is going to be relatively short. Today was my test, and it went pretty well. Aside from being stressed about the test, I was also pretty stressed about meeting new people. I just haven't ever really thought of myself as being someone who was very good at meeting new people, but I wasn't entirely correct. I did meet a few new people, and I felt pretty good about it. I was surprised by how well I could carry on a conversation with two of them in particular. I think that most of the people are looking for friends just like me, so it felt good to be able to talk to a few people. One girl even spiratically hugged me because she was so glad that she found someone else who was going into music education. That was the funniest thing of the day. That and watching Nick sing the fight song with the marching band. So good.

So, I think that I'll be all right. It'll still be hard for the first little while because it's so new, but today made me feel better about it. Kind of... I know that I'll be ok now, so that's good news. Anyways, I'm fading fast, so I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Good night friends. I hope things are going well for all of you.

-Fluffy

Wow, three days in a row. That's a new record for me. It's a pathetic record, but a record nonetheless. This will probably be a relatively short post tonight. I have a theory test pretty early tomorrow morning. Like I said before, it's just placement, but I'm still worried. A few friends came over today to hang out and watch a movie, and that was nice. Tyrel was there and he helped me with some theory stuff which I appreciated greatly! It was really nice of him to sit down and answer some of the questions that I had. It really made me feel a lot better about taking the test.

So yeah, today was pretty eventless. I did go and see Brother Coleman today. He also made me feel a lot better about things. I really miss seeing him all the time. I think that the thing that I love about him the most is that he genuinely cares for people. I want to try and be more like that. I want to be someone that everyone loves because they feel important every time they talk to me. Brother coleman just genuinely cares about people. That's definitely something that I really admire about him.

So the reason I went to go and see Brother coleman was to get some pictures from seminary. It was so cool! I think I got like 150 pictures from the school year including both pass the bucks. You know, I said that I've never really been into scrapbooking, but I think that I'm starting to get into pictures and slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow on my new laptop. It's so fun! I got like 1300 pictures from some CD's Molly let me put on my computer. It's crazy, and they're all madrigal pictures.

So I'm definitely making two slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow- it's super awesome, and then I think that I'll make a slideshow of the rest of my life as a senior. I'll probably try and bring a copy of the madrigal one to Molly so she can see it, and a few other people will probably want to watch it as well. I'm pretty excited about it, and it's something that I really enjoy. So, I may not be a scrapbooking type girl, but I can still be a memory preserving type girl. :D

Anyways, I've got that early test and I wrote for a lot longer than I expected to. Good night to everyone. I still miss my far away friends, so I hope that everything is going well with you all. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Good luck friends.

-Fluffy

(8) Days go by (8)

So, I'm not necessarily joining the blogaday, but I think that I might try. It'll be kind of fun to see the rollarcoaster ride of emotions that the first few weeks of college will bring. I'm not making any promises, but I am going to try and write every day for a month. Go me!

I feel better today. My family is pretty happy about that. I wasn't the nicest person yesterday. My bad on that one. Today was definitely better though, and I'm sure my family is glad that my depression was but a small moment.

It's still really weird that everyone is gone, but I'm adjusting. I miss them all like crazy! But it's getting better. We get to go up on the thirteenth for the football game that we'll win. ;) That'll be fun. OK, so that's the understatement of the year. I can't even breathe I'm so happy about it! It'll be great to see everyone again, so I really hope that it works out that we can go down.

Anyways, new subject. I'm doing some math tutoring. Can you believe it? Who would have thought that I would ever tutor anyone in math. I'm helping a lady in my ward because she decided to go back to school to become an RN. It's pretty fun to be able to help her with her homework, and I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. So, it's fun.

I think that's the only thing going on in my life right now. I'm also studying for my theory placement test on Friday. I'm so scared! I know that it's just a placement exam, so I can't fail, but there's still a huge part of me that wants to do well. So, I've been studying pretty hard for that this week. I'm also practicing two songs that I'll sing for a choir audition as well as an audition for a private vocal coach. It's pretty exciting stuff, but it's still really intimidating. I'm scared for the test, and I'm nervous and kind of excited for the auditions. I'm sure you'll hear about how they go. :D

Well, I hope that everyone is doing well tonight. This blogaday thing is kind of new to me, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Keep smiling everyone. And once again, to all of you who are far far away, I still miss you. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) So you had a bad day (8)

So, I have good news and I have bad news.

I personally believe that bad news should always go first. So...

The bad news is that my friends are all officially gone as of today. I can't even think about Katie without tearing up. I know. I'm lame. So sue me. It's been about eight hours since she's been gone...

There is good news though. I felt so terrible that Katie left me that I went to buy a new shirt and some headbands for school. So, now I'll look super cute for the first day of school. Yay! It was a relatively cheap shirt too. That made it double great. Oh, and I got my hair cut. I love it.

I never thought that shopping would ever make me feel better, but it did.

So, what's the moral of the story?
I'll feel better in about a month. Right now, I feel abandoned, scared, and sad. I do look cute though so that's good news...

Good luck friends. To those of you who are very very far away. I miss you, and good luck.

-Fluffy

Moving On

Here I am :) Hooray. I'm pretty happy today. I'm not overly happy like I am on the days that I can't control my laughter, but I'm just contently happy today. Mostly. I'm still scared to death about heading up to school and all of my friends leaving, but there's something in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that everything will be ok. I know that it's going to be hard for the first little while, and I know that it will be hard for me to make new friends for the first little while, but I'm making every effort to make it easier. I've joined a club, institute, committees, the Bennion center, and signed up for classes. So, I really am trying to put myself out there.

You know, I think that's the thing that scares me the most- putting myself out there. Today while I was at work I got to sit up at the front for a bit. That's a really great thing because you don't really have to do much. It's a nice break from running around and telling children and fellow employees what to do. So, I was sitting up there and a really sweet mom was up there with her little boy waiting for a few people. She was really nice, and trying to make conversation, but I'm just not very good at that. It really does take me a while to be secure enough to talk to people well. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? Anyways, it's true. I remember way back when council started at the beginning of the school year, it took me months to be able to feel comfortable in our activities and meetings. I'm laughing now looking back on how shy I felt, but at the time it was terrible for me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't talk to the people that I was with. I just get so intimidated and shy sometimes. I'm terrified that when I go to school that I'll have no one to talk to for a really long time. So a really long time to me is a few months, but still. A few months is a long time to have no one to talk to.

There's really only one person that I feel completely comfortable talking to. She knows who she is ;) Anyways, she's leaving me. I don't blame her for leaving me, but I worry about those Sunday nights when I'm having a pity party for myself and she won't be there. She listens to me, gives me advice, and just loves me. I really don't know what I'm going to do without her. She already knows that I'm going to miss her like dieting people miss their favorite dessert, but seriously, I don't know what I'm going to do. Thank goodness for cell phones and cars, I suppose.

Anyways, this is going to be a really interesting transition for me. I know that I won't lose myself through it, because I have come way too far and grown way too much to turn back on myself now, but I just hope that it'll be easier than I'm anticipating. I know that everything will be fine. There really isn't anything to worry about with all the support I have, but I'm still worried, and I'll still really miss some people. I just hope that I'll be able to find some courage in myself that I didn't know I had. I hope that I'll be able to make my box a lot bigger while I try to adjust. There's nothing wrong with fearing doing hard things, as long as you do them anyway. Doing these things that are hard is going to make me stronger.

So, really I'm excited to start school. I am. I'm excited for the new adventures that I'll have, the things I'll learn, and the new people that I'll meet; however, I'm still a bit apprehensive about it all. I scared, but I can do it. It'll be hard, but totally worth it. Today my friend at work told me that college is something that changes you. I'm ready for that. I always want to be me, but the always improving version of me. Everything will be great, I just know it. I have people looking out for me, and everything is going to be fine. Have a wonderful day, everyone. Good luck with everything.

You make me smile, please stay for a while now.

Well, sorry it's been so long since I last wrote here. I can't say that I've been too busy, I just really haven't felt like writing anything. I'm not really sure that I feel like writing anything right now either, so I hope that I can say something that's not weird or stupid. :) I've had a really great summer so far. I've pretty much just been working a few house a week and spending the rest of my time with friends and family. I love it so much. I love being able to focus on doing some things that I really like to do instead of constantly doing things that I have to do.

I got a new vocal coach for the summer. She's absolutely amazing and I'm so glad that she's helping me get ready for auditions! I need to call and set up another lesson now that I think about it... Anyways, she's amazing. She taught me one simple breathing trick that I have been doing wrong and suddenly, I can sing so much more supported! I can't even believe the difference that it made. I really liked my old vocal coach, bu in reality, she really wasn't experienced enough to teach me. I felt like she taught me things that I already knew and that she didn't know what to do with me next. My new teacher, however, knows exactly what to teach me and I really believe that I'll be pretty prepared for my auditions when school starts.

I'm pretty nervous for school to start. I'm still not really sure if music is the way that I want to go. I have another idea of what I'd like to do, I'm just not sure that it's something that is practical, I guess. I'm not going to go into anything on my blog, but feel free to ask me in person and I'll tell you what I've been thinking about. It's something that I've dreamed about for a while, I'm just not sure; but, I feel like I'm not really sure about very much lately. I'm not sure that the U is where I should be or if music is what I should major in; however, I have faith that it will all work out. You know, I truly believe that I have been placed to make certain decisions to help me grow the most. So, I really hope that I'm making all the right decisions right now.

A LOT of my friends are headed up to Utah State for college and I'm pretty bummed about that. I'm really going to miss the people that are headed up there. I'm losing some of my very best friends: boys and girls. One of my best friends told me that she thought about leaving me the other day and she cried to her mom. I just can't imagine being without some of the people that have helped me to get to where I am right now. I'm so happy for each and every one of them, but I'll miss them. I know that they're going to do amazing and awesome things at Utah State and that I'll do amazing and awesome things at the U, but I'll miss them a lot.

Then, soon after college starts a lot of my friends will be going on missions! It's so crazy to think about, but I couldn't be happier for each and every one of them who is making the right choice to serve the Lord. They'll have such great experiences and opportunities, and I can't wait to see the changes that come over them because of their service. Their missions will be so great for each and every one of them. It'll be hard to not be able to see some of them for two year, but I support each and every one of them for the righteous decision.

I think that what I'm trying to get at, is that my friends are going to do amazing things. I can't wait to pass someone in the grocery store and hear about their lives or hear from my parents that one of my old friends is doing something amazing. I have been so blessed to have each and every single friend that I have had throughout my life- especially in high school. We really did band together to become the best people we could during those three years, and I'm so grateful for every single person that helped me grow and become better. We're all going to do such amazing things. It's going to be hard for me the first few months, but I'm sure that I'll make more amazing friends, and I'll definitely NEVER forget the friends that I won't see as much. I'm sure there will probably be a few that I'll keep in contact with: phone calls, texts, and e-mails; but even the ones I don't, I want you to know that you're appreciated. I realize that very few people read this... my bad on that one, but I want all of you to know (even the ones that will never read this) that I truly was influenced for good because you were my friend. I truly believe that we become like our friends, and I'm so grateful that I was able to find good seeds. I found the best friends that a girl could ask for and I'm so grateful for that. I never have to worry about what we watch or listen to, because I know that my standards were respected and shared by my friends. So, I guess that was just a big huge thank you to everyone. It was a hard three years, but it was more than worth it so that I could meet some amazing people and grow into the type of person I am right now. Thank you everyone.

I can't see how things are going to pan out right now, but I know I'll look back in a few years and have more people to thank. I know I'll look back and be able to see even more growth in myself as well as my friends and that's an excellent thought. I hope that everyone has a spectacular summer. Take advantage of your opportunities and remember your blessings. I know I'm trying to do that better. :) Thank you for being my friends, I love you all.

-Fluffy

Quick Post

Well, here I am. This probably won't be a very long post. I'm just kind of bored. Today has been a really good day so far! I went to T's house and attempted to help weed. :) My ankle impeded my progress a bit, but it was fun nonetheless, and then I played some basketball. I forgot how much I really do like playing things. haha I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, but I really do like just playing things for fun. I don't necessarily have to win (because I usually don't,) but it makes me happy to just play fun things with fun people.

I'm just having a really good day, and I thought that somebody might like to know that. :D Have a wonderful day everyone. I hope that everything is going well for you all.

-Fluffy

Happy Days

Well, here I am again. I hope that everyone is doing well. Today was a really great day for me. I think that the greatest part happened after school. I went out to the seminary building, because I didn't have work or anything, and I talked with Thatcher, Hope, and Brother Coleman for a while. Thatcher left after a little while and then Brother Coleman had to do some stuff for the 9th graders video, and so I sat in Coleman's room and talked with Hope for about an hour. It was really awesome to get to talk to her. Then Brother Coleman said he was getting bored so we moved into the office where he was working and talked with him. It was really awesome. I learned a few things that I can really work on.

Brother Coleman said that we were good enough friends and so I wouldn't get offended if he told me something that I could improve upon haha so he told me that I'm too meek, I think he meant when it comes to sharing the gospel. I thought about it for a while and he's probably right. I think that I tend to think that people are set in their ways and they don't feel like changing and I don't feel like bothering them; however, I think I'm beginning to realize that even if people don't want to learn about the church from me, it's the biggest part of who I am and it's ok to share that with people. I'm also learning that people probably aren't quite as set in their ways as I think they are. People are probably more willing to change and find the truth than I think. I'm really excited to try to be more open about stuff like that. Even if all I change is inviting people to things that I don't think they'll come to, I'll be doing better and that's what I want to do. I want to share with people the best thing that I have in my life: the gospel. It's really important to me and it's ok to let people know that at appropriate times.

I really appreciate Brother Coleman. He's helped me through a lot and I'm really glad that he has so much faith in me. It's always nice to know that other people think that I'm doing well and that I'm trying my best. Anyways, the rest of the day was awesome too, but that was probably the best part of the day. There are so many things that I can improve on, but as Brother Coleman told me once, "It's not speed, it's direction." So I hope that I'm pointed in the right direction and that I'm doing my best to improve my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Things are tough, but I know I can make it through because I have spiritual help on my side. Thanks for listening, and have a great night. I hope things are going well for you all. Keep moving along and doing your best.

-Fluffy

Sure on this shining night

Today was a really interesting day. Actually, it's been a really interesting week for me. I've had A LOT of ups and downs, but I think that all in all it's been a pretty successful week. It was a really busy week, but still good. Today was state solo and ensemble and I think it went pretty well, but I think that I'll write about that some other time. I'm kind of having one of those thoughtful nights. It's not thoughtful to the max where I'm all emotional and filled with thoughts and feelings; rather, I feel inwardly good about most things I think. There are still a few things that I don't feel at peace about, but I don't want to think about those things tonight. I want to think about the good things and I really want to feel good about those good things.

You know, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about throughout this post so it'll probably be kind of random and it might even turn into one of those posts that I will regret in the morning, but I'm going to post it anyway. This is just going to be a post for me to get out some thoughts and to feel them. Sometimes it's nice to just feel things.

So, I've been thinking a lot about Merilee Webb these past few days. I thought about her today actually while we were at solo ensemble listening to another madrigal choir. They moved a lot with the music, and while I didn't really like the way it looked when they performed, it made me think about what Merilee taught me while she was a sub at our school. Thatcher said something in one of his posts a while ago about how he would really miss her as a mentor and you know, I really miss her too. She taught me about more than just how the music should sound, she taught me how the music should feel. But I think that some of the most important lessons that she taught me had nothing to do with music. She taught me how to be and I'll never forget that. I can never forget how she taught me to make my box bigger. She taught me that we all fear things, but doing hard things only makes us stronger. I really love the way that Mrs. T teaches and I definitely don't love her any less or more than Merilee; but, I still miss the feeling of walking into class and knowing that I was going to be challenged to better myself.

She is a really amazing person and I'll never forget the lessons that she taught me while she was teaching at our school. I really appreciate what she did to make me a better person. I miss her and I hope that she knows that she helped me to change for the better and to view life in a new way.

I think that for the past little while I've been neglecting the things that I learned from Merilee. My box really did get a lot bigger while she was here, but I think that I've been letting it shrink back down a little bit and I think that I've been looking at things with the wrong attitude. There are so many things that are difficult and I have been looking at them that way. I think that lately I've been really slacking on some things that I should be working a lot harder at. I definitely haven't been working as hard this term as I should be. I really am busy, but I know that I can find time to fit all of that in. I really want to try and be better and so I think that that will be my goal. I'm going to try and remember the things that I learned from Merilee. I'm going to try and kick this term in the okole. It's going to be really tough because I really just want to give up sometimes, but I'm going to try my best.

Anyways, moving on to some other stuff that I want to talk about. Tonight is just one of those nights that I really want to have someone to talk to. I want to go and sit outside under the stars and talk about things. I want to tell someone who's special to me about who I am and what I think about. Sometimes I just feel like I talk about trivial things with a lot of people and I think that it would be nice to have a meaningful talk with someone. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

I feel kind of like I've lost touch with a few of my friends lately, but I've gotten closer to some others at the same time. I have two wonderful best friends, but something has definitely changed there. I'm sure that I should take a lot of the blame because of my busy schedule, but I miss them. I miss how we used to be. Earlier this year I wrote a paper for English about losing a friend and I wrote it about one of my best friends. Since then it's gotten better, I don't feel like I've lost her as a friend, but I feel like we have a different friendship. It's really ok though because I understand that she has a lot of other people that she would rather be with, but I still miss it and it hurts to think that I'm not someone she wants to spend her time with anymore. I really do miss Frogger days during the summer and I miss hanging out at Katie's house practically every day after school. It makes me a little sad to think that days like that are over. Even though summer will be here soon, I know that there won't ever be summer's like the summer's from Junior High days. It sounds kind of stupid, but I miss it. I know that there are tons of other things to look forward to, but I still miss the way it used to be sometimes.

You know what? I think that all of these ideas are tying together. I think that what I really need to do is take my own advice. I need to live for the here and now. There's a song that I really love and the chorus says this... "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast." and it's really true. I think that I need to try harder to live in the here and now. I miss past days, but there are so many things that are happening right now and more importantly, there are still a lot of people that I can help right now. The future is coming, but it can wait because I don't want to miss all the wonderful things that are happening to me right now. I'm never going to be in this same situation again and in a few years I don't want to look back on this last term of high school and think of all the things that I could have done better. I want to look back and think about how much fun I had and how I tried my best in all the things that I could and how I tried to serve and love as many people as I could.

So, I need to prioritize. I need to find the things that I love and are important to me and I need to focus on those because I really don't want to miss this. Well, I'm off to do some things that I need to get done. Have a great night everybody. I hope you're all doing well and remember that I'm here if you need someone.

"All is healed. All is health."

-Fluffy

It's me...

Well, here I am. It's been a while since I've written for my blog. This is partly due to my lack of time and partly due to my lack of motivation. It doesn't really matter though because I'm the only one that reads this. ;)

Stuff has been going pretty well lately except for a few things. I'm having a really hard time in my AP classes. I just can't seem to make myself do the work. I don't want to do calculus. I don't mind studying for the test and trying to do stuff that way, but I really don't want to do the assignments and it makes me really angry that I have to do them. I don't get angry very often, but in calculus I sure do. Calculus just seems to bring out the worst in me lately and I really quite honestly can't wait until it's over.

Then, in English today, I pretty much failed. I just didn't know what to do with the practice test that she gave us and I really honestly did not do well. I got really upset. I feel really bad when I get upset because I usually get mean and angry and I don't mean to. I say and think things that I regret because I let my emotions take hold of me. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't express emotions. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but sometimes I feel like people don't really care about what's bothering me, but they care that something is bothering me enough to make me act differently than I normally do. I don't know if that makes any sense, but sometimes I feel like I can't be anything but the happy and bubbly self that I usually am.

My mom said something really interesting to me when I expressed this to her a while ago. She told me that people don't really care about what's bothering me and it's probably true. People care about me and I know that, but sometimes people just really don't want to hear about my problems. It's OK, I don't need people to listen to me express what I'm feeling, but sometimes I wish that I had someone that I could really talk to when I get angry at school. But, since there isn't really anyone like that, I just take the hall pass until I feel better, even though I don't usually feel better until after the class is over...

I just feel like sometimes I'm the middle roader. I have all these amazing friends that do amazing things and I'm an average girl doing pretty average things. It's fine with me that I'm like that, but sometimes I wish that AP class stuff came easier to me. I wish that I were able to pick up on calculus the same way that some of my other friends do. I'm not bad at it, but I'm not really good either. I don't know, this post was mostly just my ramblings and I'll probably think it's stupid in a few years or days, but this is stuff that is really actually things that I worry about and so it's important to me. I don't really care if it's stupid. This is the real me. This is me really expressing concerns that I have and I don't really care if other people don't want to listen.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one that's struggling with my classes and I really wish that I didn't feel that way because I feel like I'm not supposed to feel that way. I know that I'm smart, but I know that I'm not the smartest one and there are things that I struggle with and it's really difficult for me to accept that I struggle with things that other people might not struggle with. Anyways, I feel a little better now. I feel like I've put out most of my emotions. It doesn't make my problems go away; yet, somehow I still feel validated. I feel like I have at least expressed about a tenth of what I feel.

Really I'm a happy person, but even happy people have things that they struggle with and these are a few of my struggles. Have a great night. Keep pressing forward, I know that that's what I'm going to do.

-Fluffy

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Valentines Day! I know it's two days after Valentines day, but at least I'm making an effort, right?

Well the real reason that I haven't written is probably because my family is gone. They went on vacation and I really miss them. I've been living at my aunt's house which has been awesome. My aunt's really cool and she pretty much just wants me to check in every now and again. It's great that I have such an awesome extended family. I do really miss sleeping at my own house though.

Through all of this, I've been thinking a lot about college. Being away from my family has been hard for me and it has only been a few days! I don't know what I'll do if I go away to college. I'll miss my family so much.

I really didn't appreciate all that my family does to keep my house clean and functional. I've had to get the cat, get the mail, shovel, and keep things clean while my family has been gone and it takes a lot of time. I don't realize how much my family does for me.

Anyways, the point of this post is to let you know that I care a lot about my family. My mom is my best friend. She's one of the only people that I can tell everything to and I know that she actually cares. Her love for me is unconditional and it's amazing. No matter what I do, she still loves me. I don't tell her enough how much I appreciate all that she does for me, but I really do. I can tell her anything and everything and she'll listen to me. One of the things that I love most about my mom is that she listens.

My sister is awesome. We get along really well most of the time. She likes to wrestle lol which is fun sometimes... :) She's cute and she's really strong spiritually and physically which is such a great example to me. I know it's weird that I look up to my younger sister, but I do. She really loves the gospel and she's so happy all the time. People love being around my sister because she's happy and she knows who she is. I wish that I could be more like that. She's beautiful inside and out and I love her for who she is. We talk about everything and I love that we get along so well. I feel bad for people who don't get along with their siblings because I know how awesome it can be to feel like your sister is one of your best friends.

My dad is great. He's always been a great provider for our family and I love that he holds and honors his priesthood. He's a really great person and he has overcome so many struggles in his life. I think that is what I love about my dad. I love that he is stronger because of the challenges he has faced. There have been so many times when my dad could have given up, but he never did. No matter what obstacle he faces, he overcomes it. He does what he can to move on with his life.

My family is great and I really love them. Moving to college will be hard, but I know that my family will support me and love me no matter what I do or where I go. My family will always be here for me to talk and laugh with. So hooray for awesome families that are trying their best to do good things and hooray for Valentines day week. Everything is going great :) Have an awesome week!

-Fluffy