Sure on this shining night

Today was a really interesting day. Actually, it's been a really interesting week for me. I've had A LOT of ups and downs, but I think that all in all it's been a pretty successful week. It was a really busy week, but still good. Today was state solo and ensemble and I think it went pretty well, but I think that I'll write about that some other time. I'm kind of having one of those thoughtful nights. It's not thoughtful to the max where I'm all emotional and filled with thoughts and feelings; rather, I feel inwardly good about most things I think. There are still a few things that I don't feel at peace about, but I don't want to think about those things tonight. I want to think about the good things and I really want to feel good about those good things.

You know, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about throughout this post so it'll probably be kind of random and it might even turn into one of those posts that I will regret in the morning, but I'm going to post it anyway. This is just going to be a post for me to get out some thoughts and to feel them. Sometimes it's nice to just feel things.

So, I've been thinking a lot about Merilee Webb these past few days. I thought about her today actually while we were at solo ensemble listening to another madrigal choir. They moved a lot with the music, and while I didn't really like the way it looked when they performed, it made me think about what Merilee taught me while she was a sub at our school. Thatcher said something in one of his posts a while ago about how he would really miss her as a mentor and you know, I really miss her too. She taught me about more than just how the music should sound, she taught me how the music should feel. But I think that some of the most important lessons that she taught me had nothing to do with music. She taught me how to be and I'll never forget that. I can never forget how she taught me to make my box bigger. She taught me that we all fear things, but doing hard things only makes us stronger. I really love the way that Mrs. T teaches and I definitely don't love her any less or more than Merilee; but, I still miss the feeling of walking into class and knowing that I was going to be challenged to better myself.

She is a really amazing person and I'll never forget the lessons that she taught me while she was teaching at our school. I really appreciate what she did to make me a better person. I miss her and I hope that she knows that she helped me to change for the better and to view life in a new way.

I think that for the past little while I've been neglecting the things that I learned from Merilee. My box really did get a lot bigger while she was here, but I think that I've been letting it shrink back down a little bit and I think that I've been looking at things with the wrong attitude. There are so many things that are difficult and I have been looking at them that way. I think that lately I've been really slacking on some things that I should be working a lot harder at. I definitely haven't been working as hard this term as I should be. I really am busy, but I know that I can find time to fit all of that in. I really want to try and be better and so I think that that will be my goal. I'm going to try and remember the things that I learned from Merilee. I'm going to try and kick this term in the okole. It's going to be really tough because I really just want to give up sometimes, but I'm going to try my best.

Anyways, moving on to some other stuff that I want to talk about. Tonight is just one of those nights that I really want to have someone to talk to. I want to go and sit outside under the stars and talk about things. I want to tell someone who's special to me about who I am and what I think about. Sometimes I just feel like I talk about trivial things with a lot of people and I think that it would be nice to have a meaningful talk with someone. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

I feel kind of like I've lost touch with a few of my friends lately, but I've gotten closer to some others at the same time. I have two wonderful best friends, but something has definitely changed there. I'm sure that I should take a lot of the blame because of my busy schedule, but I miss them. I miss how we used to be. Earlier this year I wrote a paper for English about losing a friend and I wrote it about one of my best friends. Since then it's gotten better, I don't feel like I've lost her as a friend, but I feel like we have a different friendship. It's really ok though because I understand that she has a lot of other people that she would rather be with, but I still miss it and it hurts to think that I'm not someone she wants to spend her time with anymore. I really do miss Frogger days during the summer and I miss hanging out at Katie's house practically every day after school. It makes me a little sad to think that days like that are over. Even though summer will be here soon, I know that there won't ever be summer's like the summer's from Junior High days. It sounds kind of stupid, but I miss it. I know that there are tons of other things to look forward to, but I still miss the way it used to be sometimes.

You know what? I think that all of these ideas are tying together. I think that what I really need to do is take my own advice. I need to live for the here and now. There's a song that I really love and the chorus says this... "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast." and it's really true. I think that I need to try harder to live in the here and now. I miss past days, but there are so many things that are happening right now and more importantly, there are still a lot of people that I can help right now. The future is coming, but it can wait because I don't want to miss all the wonderful things that are happening to me right now. I'm never going to be in this same situation again and in a few years I don't want to look back on this last term of high school and think of all the things that I could have done better. I want to look back and think about how much fun I had and how I tried my best in all the things that I could and how I tried to serve and love as many people as I could.

So, I need to prioritize. I need to find the things that I love and are important to me and I need to focus on those because I really don't want to miss this. Well, I'm off to do some things that I need to get done. Have a great night everybody. I hope you're all doing well and remember that I'm here if you need someone.

"All is healed. All is health."

-Fluffy