It's me...

Well, here I am. It's been a while since I've written for my blog. This is partly due to my lack of time and partly due to my lack of motivation. It doesn't really matter though because I'm the only one that reads this. ;)

Stuff has been going pretty well lately except for a few things. I'm having a really hard time in my AP classes. I just can't seem to make myself do the work. I don't want to do calculus. I don't mind studying for the test and trying to do stuff that way, but I really don't want to do the assignments and it makes me really angry that I have to do them. I don't get angry very often, but in calculus I sure do. Calculus just seems to bring out the worst in me lately and I really quite honestly can't wait until it's over.

Then, in English today, I pretty much failed. I just didn't know what to do with the practice test that she gave us and I really honestly did not do well. I got really upset. I feel really bad when I get upset because I usually get mean and angry and I don't mean to. I say and think things that I regret because I let my emotions take hold of me. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't express emotions. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but sometimes I feel like people don't really care about what's bothering me, but they care that something is bothering me enough to make me act differently than I normally do. I don't know if that makes any sense, but sometimes I feel like I can't be anything but the happy and bubbly self that I usually am.

My mom said something really interesting to me when I expressed this to her a while ago. She told me that people don't really care about what's bothering me and it's probably true. People care about me and I know that, but sometimes people just really don't want to hear about my problems. It's OK, I don't need people to listen to me express what I'm feeling, but sometimes I wish that I had someone that I could really talk to when I get angry at school. But, since there isn't really anyone like that, I just take the hall pass until I feel better, even though I don't usually feel better until after the class is over...

I just feel like sometimes I'm the middle roader. I have all these amazing friends that do amazing things and I'm an average girl doing pretty average things. It's fine with me that I'm like that, but sometimes I wish that AP class stuff came easier to me. I wish that I were able to pick up on calculus the same way that some of my other friends do. I'm not bad at it, but I'm not really good either. I don't know, this post was mostly just my ramblings and I'll probably think it's stupid in a few years or days, but this is stuff that is really actually things that I worry about and so it's important to me. I don't really care if it's stupid. This is the real me. This is me really expressing concerns that I have and I don't really care if other people don't want to listen.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one that's struggling with my classes and I really wish that I didn't feel that way because I feel like I'm not supposed to feel that way. I know that I'm smart, but I know that I'm not the smartest one and there are things that I struggle with and it's really difficult for me to accept that I struggle with things that other people might not struggle with. Anyways, I feel a little better now. I feel like I've put out most of my emotions. It doesn't make my problems go away; yet, somehow I still feel validated. I feel like I have at least expressed about a tenth of what I feel.

Really I'm a happy person, but even happy people have things that they struggle with and these are a few of my struggles. Have a great night. Keep pressing forward, I know that that's what I'm going to do.

-Fluffy