Well, I took a pretty long break from posting for a while there. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. It's good because I'm writing when I really feel like writing, but it's bad because I don't get that day to day reflection on what I've done and where I'm headed. I'm not really sure which of those will win out in the end, but for now I'm sticking to the writing every once in a while thing. We'll see how it goes.
I've been complaining a lot lately. Maybe I feel like talking about the things that are hard for me feels like complaining. Either way I don't really like it when I complain to people. Sorry Katie. :) I'm going to try and fix that. Things are kind of hard for me right now, and I've been getting the counting my blessings and counting my trials mixed up. It's a whole lot easier to count my trials and say "Look at this! What is going on?" than it is to look at my life and focus on all the good things.
Thatcher wrote that he was ready to be better, and I'm really proud of him for that. I wish that I were in that place tonight. I wish that I were ready to move on and do better things, but tonight I feel kind of stagnant. I feel stuck in the position of trying to hold to things from the past and moving on to new things. It seems like every time I try to move on and be happy and do better, something pulls me back to the less happy side. Right now I feel more like I'm trying to get by. It's kind of like the difference between running through the grass and running through the swimming pool. I'm still moving forward in the swimming pool, but it's a languid forward. It's like I'm using every part of myself to pull myself out of my bed and live another day. It's not that I don't love swimming (AKA life.) It's just been a little bit harder lately to understand why certain things are happening and why I'm feeling certain things.
I'm sort of feeling like I'm at that crossroad between letting go of some things and holding on to other ones. I don't want to let go of some things, but it hurts to hold on to them as tightly as I am. I'm just not really sure what I'm going to do right now. Will I be OK this week? Only time will tell. I'm sure I'll be fine, but will I come out of it emotionally and mentally in tact? Maybe not. We'll see.
We're hoping for the best this week. I'm shooting for the stars and saying that things are going to be all right. I'm going to hold on to what I know will keep me sluggishly shoving myself through the water. And I'll keep a smile on my face. Oh yeah, I can multi-task.
Good luck with your week, friends. I really hope that things go well for you and that you're not pushing through the water. If you are, I'm sure you'll come out a better person. That's what I'm trying to focus on: the big picture. Good night, friends.
-Fluffy
“Work will cure your grief. Serve others.” -President Hinckley
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3 comments:
Oh Melissa, good luck. I think you're great, and I hope that everything works out for you.
If you want to talk about all this sometime, you know how to get a hold of me. Good luck Melissa :)
Hey Melissa. I love you. And you hardly ever complain so you don't have a thing to apologize for. You don't ever have to apologize for complaining to me either. I really hope you have a good week. We both can. We can do this. Or we can just survive. We'll just do what we can and I'll see you on Saturday.
Guess what?! I'll be home Saturday too so you can both complain to me if you'd like ;)
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