(8) R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me (8)

Hmmm I'm not really sure how I'm feeling tonight. Sundays are interesting days for me because it's a day that I reflect on how I'm doing and how i can do better for the next week. Sometimes it has the opposite affect that I want it to. Sometimes I can get pretty down on myself when I reflect too much. It's kind of silly, but sometimes reflection and too much thinking are bad things for me. I tend to over analyze and compare, and neither of those things end well.

I'm not really having that problem tonight. I am, but at the same time I'm just kind of feeling pretty weird. I don't like to listen to music while I post because I know that music affects the way I think and feel, but tonight I am listening to music and posting. It's just Mo Tab. So it's not a big deal, but it's still affecting how I feel, and I'm glad that I can recognize that.

I'm turning it off now.

I don't have school this week, and that makes me pretty happy. I really hope that this week is pretty great. I have quite a few good goals planned, and I'm excited to try and implement them into my life. We'll see how it goes.

You know, today I've been thinking a lot about marriage and dating and all of that ridiculous stuff. I'm not wanting to get married right now or anything. I don't think that I'm even looking for anyone to date me seriously right now; however, it would be kind of nice to date every once in a while. It sounds silly, but it really is a concern of mine. I'm sure it's a concern of a lot of people our age. I had a talk with some people a few days ago about how it's easier for a girl to date a guy, but it's easier for a guy to find a girl to date. I just think it's interesting the way that all works out. I guess it's sort of fair, but I still think that the boy gets the sweet end of the deal on that one. Plus their hair is easier to do.

The point of this whole tangent is that sometimes it would be nice to be cared about in that way. Sometimes it would be nice to know that boys don't think I'm gross or something haha Sometimes it would just be nice to be viewed as a girl who's extra-special to someone. Tonight is one of those nights when all of those things seem like they would be really nice.

It's not a huge deal right now for me, but it's just kind of something that I've sort of been thinking about lately. I just wish that I could look at a cute boy and think that there might be even a tiny chance that he could care about me romantically. I'm sorry if that was a weird subject, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately so I thought I'd share. If it was weird just let me know and maybe I won't write about it again.

So another thing that I've been thinking a lot about lately is trust. I think I have some pretty major trust issues. I sort of rerealized this in my voice lesson this week. I learn a lot about myself in those voice lessons of mine... So he told me that I need to trust that my body will hit the notes that I want it to hit and that I don't have to try as hard as I'm trying right now to sing well. I get pretty tense while I'm singing and I kind of try to make my vocal folds do all the work when really the sound should come from the breath and not my throat. He told me that i should trust myself that things will turn out all right while I'm singing.

I've been thinking about that a lot this week as I've been doing random things. I think that there's a really big part of me that doesn't like to trust myself and other people. Somewhere in the back of my mind i don't let myself be all the way me all the time because I'm afraid that someone else won't accept who I am. It's kind of like I feel like myself isn't always good enough. This feeling of unworthiness is bad. I realize that it's bad, and I'm trying to fix it by focusing on all the good things that I do, but it's really hard to do that sometimes. In the same way that it's hard for me to retrain my voice, it's even harder to retrain my heart and mind to be open to people. Sometimes getting too close is dangerous. People leave and hearts get broken all the time so sometimes it's hard for me to put that trust in people. People are so unpredictable that it's scary to put your complete trust in them.

I think it's also good to recognize that I don't always trust myself. It's hard to trust in myself when I know that I'm prone to making mistakes. It's difficult to put your trust in someone that you know pretty completely. When I recognize my shortcomings, it's easier to be cautious than to just go for things. Trusting is hard. Trusting is really hard.

I'm going to work more on trusting this week. I'm going to work on trusting myself, others, and in the higher power that I know is trustworthy. Trusting will be a gradual process, but it'll be worth it. It's worth it to me to find the confidence in myself that I'm lacking right now because i know that I have things to offer. That's easy to forget when boys don't like me or when trusting in myself seems so distant, but I'm going for it. I'm really trying to live my life right now. I'm trying to take chances and to be as courageous as possible.

I hope that you're all doing well tonight. Sorry if anything that i said was awkward for you to read. Both of those topics were things that I've been keeping pretty private, but I feel like talking about them will help me to grow and be a better person. I hope things are going well for all of you. Night.

-Fluffy

"Live your life."