(8) All by myself (8)

I don't really have too much to say tonight. It was a relatively uneventful day. I suppose that it's probably my fault that a lot of my days are uneventful lately. Maybe I need to do something fun and exciting tomorrow. We'll see what happens. It's kind of late, and I'm really quite tired, but I really wanted to check in and let everyone know that things are going all right.

I got to hang out with my uncle tonight. I haven't done that for a really long time, and I've really missed him. He actually, in his humorous way, made me feel a little better about stuff. He doesn't know that he helped, but he did. I appreciate when things like that happen. He's one of those people that I really care about, and I know that he cares about me too.

Anyways, I really just don't know what to write about tonight, so I'm headed to bed. Have a great night everyone. For my far away friends, I miss you. For my close friends, I hope everything is going well. Good night.

-Fluffy

(8) I'm that little bit of hope when you're back's against the ropes. (8)

So tonight I think that I might focus my entry on some more serious stuff. Not stuff that is too serious. haha Just stuff that I think is kind of important to talk about. So the whole point to this preface is to make you not freaked out by my seriousness. So, here I go.

Today I thought a lot about kindness and what it means to be kind. I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately because I've had a lot of time to observe people doing kind things while I have no one to talk to on campus. I just get so happy when I see people being kind to other people because we all have things that we struggle with, and it would be such a nicer world to live in if we could all be looking out for the people around us. I can't say that this past week has been filled with me giving a lot of kindness, but I have sure received a lot of it. I was sitting alone at lunch the other day, and a girl that I met came and sat with me and we ate lunch together. It was just something small, but it really did mean something to me. It made me feel like I was worth someone else's time. I think that's kind of what it boils down to. When we do something kind for someone else, it's almost like we're telling them that they're worth something to us.

I was riding trax on Friday and I looked over at this kid and he asked the three girls standing around him if one of them would like to have his seat. It was something simple, but it was so respectful and kind. It was probably not a huge deal to him, but it really meant something to me. There are so many terrible things going on in this world, and I'm just so grateful that there are still people who genuinely care about other people.

I just really appreciate good things that people do for other people. Sometimes when I watch the news I get conned into believing that everything around me is falling to pieces. But when I go out into the world and watch what other people are doing, I feel better. When I see someone offer their seat to someone else or help a sweet blind person find a chair safely I just feel good about things. Things are going to turn out all right. The bad will get worse, but I think that the good will also get better.

Anyways, I'm really going to try and work on being kinder to others. I'd like to think that most people are doing their best at this whole life thing, and I'd really like to be someone that tries to make it a little easier for the people I meet. Life's hard enough, and I think it's great when I see people trying to make it easier for other individuals.

Anyways, good night friends. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure that you're all people who are receivers and givers of kindness. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) I can show you the world (8)

So, I'm actually on campus right now. I thought it would be kind of fun to post from the actual University for one of my blogadays. I have a bit of a break between my last class and acappella on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I figured now would be a pretty good time to write something. One item of business before I get started. I'm typing on the biggest mac I have ever seen. I left my laptop at home today because I'm leaving somewhere right after school and didn't want to leave it in the car, so I figured today was a good day to use the music library computers. They sure are interesting.

So good things and bad things have happened today, but I feel about three billion times better today than I did yesterday. Strange how that works isn't it? Anyways, more about that later in the post. First, the bad. So, I went on TRAX like I do every morning but this stupid train said it was going to somewhere other than the University so I didn't get on it. Stupid train. It was definitely going to the University. So what happened? I was five minutes late to my first class. I felt so stupid. Anyways, I just had to move on from that one and not stress about it. Riding TRAX is an interesting experience all in itself. I have to time it just right or I won't be on time which is really new for me. Anyways, I'll have to work on being better at that riding TRAX thing.

So about my day being better. I just feel better. I know that it's probably only a temporary thing, but I really finally felt like myself today. Stuff is still all weird, but I talked to a few people as myself. It wasn't the self that I am when I'm all nervous and scared. It was just me, and they seemed all right with that. Yesterday I felt ready to transfer schools, but today I feel like it'll be all right. It wasn't a perfect day by any means, but it was more successful than yesterday. Plus, it's finally the weekend. I have choir left, but really that doesn't count. My first week of school was officially over around 11:35 or so. I didn't die. I did all right.

Lately when I've been getting down on myself, I've tried to focus more on helping other people. How is that working? Not so well. I'm trying to implement the whole sitting by lonely people, but seriously, everyone is alone here. There's a whole hill full of them. haha Anyways, I'm working on being better on not focusing on me and only me. I think that that's something that will really help me make friends and stay happier. Obviously yesterday wasn't focused on anyone else, but today I'll do better. That's the constant struggle- making every day better than the last.

I just thought you'd all like to know that I'm surviving ;) Sorry and thank you to those of you that helped me through my private pity party yesterday. I appreciate you all. Good luck with stuff, and adios from the University.

-Fluffy

Well... I feel pretty awful, so I drew a picture of things that I love so that i would feel better. it's just off of paint, so I realize that it's terrible. It did make me feel better though, so it was worth it.



This isn't all of my favorites of course. I wanted to put music up there for sure, but I figured I already had it as my picture on my profile. Anyways, thanks to everyone who's been an awesome friend to me lately. I sure need it right now. Good luck to everyone.

-Fluffy

(8) Feels Like Today (8)

You know, I might have used this title already too. Maybe I should listen to some new songs so that I have more titles to pick from... we'll see how that goes. So today started out well, turned bad, and then got awesome. It was kind of an odd day. I think that these days in school will be harder for me because I have longer breaks. I still have no friends, and so these breaks feel like years. It's OK though, I'm sure that it will get better.

The very best thing about today was definitely institute. I loved it! I'm so excited to have this New Testament class. For reals, it's amazing. There's only like 10 people in the class that I'm taking, but I love it. I'm really thinking about joining the sorority, but we'll see what happens.

I only felt like crying three times today, and that's just because I was feeling all sad for myself. I got over that pretty quickly and tried to make new friends, so that was fun and hard. I think that the most important things for me to do are to go into each day with a positive attitude and to smile as much as possible. When I smile I don't get too up tight and worried, so I think smiling is good for me when I get stressed out. Anyways, I'm super tired and I have early class tomorrow. Have a great night, friends. I miss you all. Good luck with school.

-Fluffy

(8) It feels like today (8)

Today was my second day of school. You might be wondering how it went, or I guess you might not be wondering how it went. Either way I'm going to tell you how it went. It was a lot better today. I felt more comfortable so that was good. I'm not saying that I'm completely adjusted or anything. If I said that, I would most definitely be lying to all of you; however, it was better. I felt better about the whole experience.

Story of the day! I got a new trumpet for myself. Well, I didn't get it for myself. It's for my brass study class! I get to learn how to play the trumpet, and then later in the semester I get to learn how to play the French horn! Is that the coolest thing you've ever heard? Because it's definitely one of the coolest things I've ever done. I even get a cute little locker to put it in. I know, it's cool. I'm sure I look super cool carrying it around campus too... ;) Anyways, that was definitely the coolest thing that happened today.

I have another story of the day! My musicianship class is really cool so far. Today we learned about the sulfage (I may have spelled that wrong...) system (do re mi etc.) and then we sang for a bit. It was really cool, and I liked it a lot. It's going to be one of my more difficult courses, but I think that I'll really enjoy musicianship. So I have officially visited all of my classes but my choir now. YAY!

You know, I'm not trying to steel Thatcher's topic, because I wouldn't want to do that; however, I thought a lot about what he said about his friends and things. I have a lot of time to think while I'm by myself on campus. Anyways, I've met some cool people, but really I can't see how it will turn into solid friendships. It's silly, because I know that some of them are bound to, but I can't picture any of them going that way. I just feel so alone right now on campus, I can't imagine walking with people and feeling as comfortable with them as I do with friends I already have. Sometimes I picture myself as being someone who you like after you get to know. It's not a bad thing, but it sometimes means that it takes me a little while longer to make good friends. But I'd like to think that once I do make friends, I'm pretty good at keeping them. I just think that making friends in college might take me a little while longer than it might take other people. It's not a big deal, but I hope that I'll be able to find people that I'll create good friendships with. I hope I'll find a few people that really care about me. I know that there are a lot of people that care about me, but when I'm at the campus all alone feeling a big lonely, it's hard to remember that.

I'm sure that everything will work out just fine. Today was an improvement from yesterday, and I'm sure that tomorrow will be an improvement from today. Well, I'm out friends. I hope you're all doing well. I miss you all terribly.

-Fluffy

(8) You are the New Day (8)

I feel like I've used that title before... hmmmm. I'm terribly sorry if I have used that title before. Anyways, today was my very first day of school. How did it go? I give it a 6 out of 10 as far as first days go. That may seem kind of low, but if you'd seen me last night, a 6 is generous.

I met a few new people which was great news. There's one girl that I have every single class with but one, so that's good news. She's super nice and I think we could probably be pretty good friends. All in all it was a pretty good first day of college. Tomorrow is definitely my more difficult day, so we'll see how I hold up after that one.

You know, I'm just not really very good at dealing with new things. I'm not very good at dealing with stress either, and new things are kind of stressful for me. It's kind of a double whammy. I really am doing fine, but still it's hard for me to adjust to. It's hard to feel alone so often, it's hard to make new friends, it's hard to grow up ;) I'm doing it, but it's hard. I know that it will get easier after a few days or weeks, but right now it's hard.

I did make the aCapella choir though! That was really awesome. The auditions was super scary and super hard, but I made it. I start on Wednesday. That was definitely the good news of the day. The bad news is that my card won't work for all the practice rooms- go figure. Oh, sorry that the bad news was last, I don't generally like it that way. Anyways, all in all it was a good day. It's hard to get used to, but it was good. I still miss having a few people around, but that's life I guess. I'm learning to take it in stride.

Good night friends. I hope that everyone else had good first days too. Good luck with everything that you're doing. And to those of you who seem to be millions of miles away from me, I miss you and wish you the best.

-Fluffy

um...yeah...

OK, so I feel super duper stressed right now, so I'm not really going to post. I might be back if I can't sleep. I feel completely overwhelmed right now. And for those of you that were rooting for me, I didn't pass my theory test. It's not that big of a deal, but still. Anyways, I just feel... awful. I'll let you know how school goes tomorrow.

So for now, I wish you all luck tomorrow. I think I might count how many times I feel like crying tomorrow. Maybe it'll be better than I think it will... I just need some sleep. see ya later. Peace and love friends.

-Fluffy

Emotional Graph

So for the past few days I've been making a graph in my head about how I feel about going to school. I decided that today was somewhere in the middle of terrified and excited. I'm happy to say that I haven't been to either extreme yet. I haven't been completely terrified or completely excited to start school. I was going to draw a graph in paint, but I didn't. Maybe I'll do that for my next post. So, instead of showing you a graph, I'll just put it on a scale of 1-10 for now. This method definitely isn't as affective, but it'll suffice. 1 is toward the terrified/sad side and 10 is excited.

So, the day that everyone left I was at about a 2. That was a pretty rough day on the going to school scale. The day after I was feeling a lot better. I would probably place me emotions for day 2 at about a 7 or so. I wasn't completely over being terrified or completely over the fact that I had no friends, but I was happy about it. My feelings went up and down for a few days and then Friday when I took the theory test and found out that I no longer had a class with Alan, I was back down to a 3 or 4. Today I feel a bit higher, but still kind of in the middle. I'm not really terrified anymore. I feel like I got past that part when I met new people at the theory test. I think that proved to myself that I can do this. Althought, riding TRAX could scare the pants off of anyone, but that's another story for another day. ;) Anyways, I'm excited though. I think that terrified has turned into nervousness, and so I feel excited and nervous about starting school. Actually, the more I think about it right now, the better I feel. I know that it's right for me, so I'm ready. I think... haha. I'll let you know how I feel in about a day or two.

It's really interesting to evaluate my emotions on a certain subject. I just think it's funny to see how different days make me feel differet ways. I guess that's one thing that I really appreciate about this blog. I get to take some time at the end of the day and evaluate how I felt about things. I definitely don't write about everything that I feel and think, but it's good to be able to write about a few things. Sometimes, I really don't want to write because I feel like I have nothing wrothwhile to say, which may or may not be true, but I still feel better about the way things went when I sit down and evaluate it. It's nice to take some time and write about my day. It's not always interesting, but it's still always me.

Well good night friends. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) You're gonna want this back (8)

This post is going to be relatively short. Today was my test, and it went pretty well. Aside from being stressed about the test, I was also pretty stressed about meeting new people. I just haven't ever really thought of myself as being someone who was very good at meeting new people, but I wasn't entirely correct. I did meet a few new people, and I felt pretty good about it. I was surprised by how well I could carry on a conversation with two of them in particular. I think that most of the people are looking for friends just like me, so it felt good to be able to talk to a few people. One girl even spiratically hugged me because she was so glad that she found someone else who was going into music education. That was the funniest thing of the day. That and watching Nick sing the fight song with the marching band. So good.

So, I think that I'll be all right. It'll still be hard for the first little while because it's so new, but today made me feel better about it. Kind of... I know that I'll be ok now, so that's good news. Anyways, I'm fading fast, so I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Good night friends. I hope things are going well for all of you.

-Fluffy

Wow, three days in a row. That's a new record for me. It's a pathetic record, but a record nonetheless. This will probably be a relatively short post tonight. I have a theory test pretty early tomorrow morning. Like I said before, it's just placement, but I'm still worried. A few friends came over today to hang out and watch a movie, and that was nice. Tyrel was there and he helped me with some theory stuff which I appreciated greatly! It was really nice of him to sit down and answer some of the questions that I had. It really made me feel a lot better about taking the test.

So yeah, today was pretty eventless. I did go and see Brother Coleman today. He also made me feel a lot better about things. I really miss seeing him all the time. I think that the thing that I love about him the most is that he genuinely cares for people. I want to try and be more like that. I want to be someone that everyone loves because they feel important every time they talk to me. Brother coleman just genuinely cares about people. That's definitely something that I really admire about him.

So the reason I went to go and see Brother coleman was to get some pictures from seminary. It was so cool! I think I got like 150 pictures from the school year including both pass the bucks. You know, I said that I've never really been into scrapbooking, but I think that I'm starting to get into pictures and slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow on my new laptop. It's so fun! I got like 1300 pictures from some CD's Molly let me put on my computer. It's crazy, and they're all madrigal pictures.

So I'm definitely making two slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow- it's super awesome, and then I think that I'll make a slideshow of the rest of my life as a senior. I'll probably try and bring a copy of the madrigal one to Molly so she can see it, and a few other people will probably want to watch it as well. I'm pretty excited about it, and it's something that I really enjoy. So, I may not be a scrapbooking type girl, but I can still be a memory preserving type girl. :D

Anyways, I've got that early test and I wrote for a lot longer than I expected to. Good night to everyone. I still miss my far away friends, so I hope that everything is going well with you all. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Good luck friends.

-Fluffy

(8) Days go by (8)

So, I'm not necessarily joining the blogaday, but I think that I might try. It'll be kind of fun to see the rollarcoaster ride of emotions that the first few weeks of college will bring. I'm not making any promises, but I am going to try and write every day for a month. Go me!

I feel better today. My family is pretty happy about that. I wasn't the nicest person yesterday. My bad on that one. Today was definitely better though, and I'm sure my family is glad that my depression was but a small moment.

It's still really weird that everyone is gone, but I'm adjusting. I miss them all like crazy! But it's getting better. We get to go up on the thirteenth for the football game that we'll win. ;) That'll be fun. OK, so that's the understatement of the year. I can't even breathe I'm so happy about it! It'll be great to see everyone again, so I really hope that it works out that we can go down.

Anyways, new subject. I'm doing some math tutoring. Can you believe it? Who would have thought that I would ever tutor anyone in math. I'm helping a lady in my ward because she decided to go back to school to become an RN. It's pretty fun to be able to help her with her homework, and I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. So, it's fun.

I think that's the only thing going on in my life right now. I'm also studying for my theory placement test on Friday. I'm so scared! I know that it's just a placement exam, so I can't fail, but there's still a huge part of me that wants to do well. So, I've been studying pretty hard for that this week. I'm also practicing two songs that I'll sing for a choir audition as well as an audition for a private vocal coach. It's pretty exciting stuff, but it's still really intimidating. I'm scared for the test, and I'm nervous and kind of excited for the auditions. I'm sure you'll hear about how they go. :D

Well, I hope that everyone is doing well tonight. This blogaday thing is kind of new to me, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Keep smiling everyone. And once again, to all of you who are far far away, I still miss you. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) So you had a bad day (8)

So, I have good news and I have bad news.

I personally believe that bad news should always go first. So...

The bad news is that my friends are all officially gone as of today. I can't even think about Katie without tearing up. I know. I'm lame. So sue me. It's been about eight hours since she's been gone...

There is good news though. I felt so terrible that Katie left me that I went to buy a new shirt and some headbands for school. So, now I'll look super cute for the first day of school. Yay! It was a relatively cheap shirt too. That made it double great. Oh, and I got my hair cut. I love it.

I never thought that shopping would ever make me feel better, but it did.

So, what's the moral of the story?
I'll feel better in about a month. Right now, I feel abandoned, scared, and sad. I do look cute though so that's good news...

Good luck friends. To those of you who are very very far away. I miss you, and good luck.

-Fluffy

Moving On

Here I am :) Hooray. I'm pretty happy today. I'm not overly happy like I am on the days that I can't control my laughter, but I'm just contently happy today. Mostly. I'm still scared to death about heading up to school and all of my friends leaving, but there's something in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that everything will be ok. I know that it's going to be hard for the first little while, and I know that it will be hard for me to make new friends for the first little while, but I'm making every effort to make it easier. I've joined a club, institute, committees, the Bennion center, and signed up for classes. So, I really am trying to put myself out there.

You know, I think that's the thing that scares me the most- putting myself out there. Today while I was at work I got to sit up at the front for a bit. That's a really great thing because you don't really have to do much. It's a nice break from running around and telling children and fellow employees what to do. So, I was sitting up there and a really sweet mom was up there with her little boy waiting for a few people. She was really nice, and trying to make conversation, but I'm just not very good at that. It really does take me a while to be secure enough to talk to people well. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? Anyways, it's true. I remember way back when council started at the beginning of the school year, it took me months to be able to feel comfortable in our activities and meetings. I'm laughing now looking back on how shy I felt, but at the time it was terrible for me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't talk to the people that I was with. I just get so intimidated and shy sometimes. I'm terrified that when I go to school that I'll have no one to talk to for a really long time. So a really long time to me is a few months, but still. A few months is a long time to have no one to talk to.

There's really only one person that I feel completely comfortable talking to. She knows who she is ;) Anyways, she's leaving me. I don't blame her for leaving me, but I worry about those Sunday nights when I'm having a pity party for myself and she won't be there. She listens to me, gives me advice, and just loves me. I really don't know what I'm going to do without her. She already knows that I'm going to miss her like dieting people miss their favorite dessert, but seriously, I don't know what I'm going to do. Thank goodness for cell phones and cars, I suppose.

Anyways, this is going to be a really interesting transition for me. I know that I won't lose myself through it, because I have come way too far and grown way too much to turn back on myself now, but I just hope that it'll be easier than I'm anticipating. I know that everything will be fine. There really isn't anything to worry about with all the support I have, but I'm still worried, and I'll still really miss some people. I just hope that I'll be able to find some courage in myself that I didn't know I had. I hope that I'll be able to make my box a lot bigger while I try to adjust. There's nothing wrong with fearing doing hard things, as long as you do them anyway. Doing these things that are hard is going to make me stronger.

So, really I'm excited to start school. I am. I'm excited for the new adventures that I'll have, the things I'll learn, and the new people that I'll meet; however, I'm still a bit apprehensive about it all. I scared, but I can do it. It'll be hard, but totally worth it. Today my friend at work told me that college is something that changes you. I'm ready for that. I always want to be me, but the always improving version of me. Everything will be great, I just know it. I have people looking out for me, and everything is going to be fine. Have a wonderful day, everyone. Good luck with everything.