So, the other day I had my meeting with Ms. Parrish about all the essays that we have written so far in English. I did better than I thought and I was really happy about that. She made me feel like there was hope for my writing as opposed to telling me that I sucked. haha I appreciated that. Anyways, I'm writing about this experience because it helped me to realize something about myself. At the very beginning of the meeting, Ms. Parrish asked me what kind of writer I thought I was. I told her that I thought I was OK. Then, she asked me if I liked writing and I explained that I enjoy writing sometimes and that my favorite writing is what I write in my journal because no one else reads it; there's no risk. She proceeded to tell me that she found that very interesting because that's exactly what she thought as she was reading through my essays. I'm often concerned about what other people think of me.

In seminary, we had a lesson about fear. It was one of those lessons that I really needed. The lesson was based mostly on fear when leaving for missions, but I decided to apply it to other areas of my life. Fear isn't necessary, but it's something that is often present in my life. I fear that people won't accept me when they get to know me. I fear that if I talk to someone I'll say something stupid. I'm afraid that people won't think that I'm smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. I know in my heart that none of these things matter as long as I'm trying my best, but it's hard for me to accept. I'm working at communicating better with people. I'm also working at caring more about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. He's on my side and he wants me to be better, so I'm trying.

It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything, I just can't seem to get past what I think other people think about me. It's like when I'm playing softball and I'm up to bat. My coach is telling me to step into my hits and the ball will go a lot father. For the first few swings, I do exactly what my coach is telling me to do; however, eventually I slip back into my old habits and I forget to step into my hits. I know that if I step into it, I'll do so much better in softball, but I can't seem to get out of my bad habit.

This same things seems to be happening in my life when it comes to caring about what other people think. I know that I don't need to worry about it and I've got people constantly telling me how to fix it, but I can't seem to find the strength to turn my weakness into a strength. I fix it for a few hours or a few days, but then I slip back into my old habit of closing myself off to keep myself safe. I end up doing the things that are comfortable rather than doing the things that will make me better.

There's no reason for me to be fearful of other people, so I'm trying to be better. I'm trying my best to rely on my Heavenly Father for the guidance and help that I need. So, I'm trying to be open. At work, I try to talk to people and I've even attempted unfolding my arms so I seem more approachable lol. At school I'm trying to talk to people, even if it's hard for me. I'm improving and I know that I'm doing my best to show people who I really am.

D&C 6:36 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."

-Fluffy