I'm exhausted. Today at work I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep it up, but I did. Hooray me. Anyways, as I was trying to make it through about the 80th (that's an exaggeration) time that I had mopped, I thought about something. I was exhausted and pretty much could have dropped to the ground at any moment, but I was happy.
I considered this for a really long time. How in the world was I happy when I felt like I hadn't slept in days and I'd been running a marathon? I was happy because I know who I am and I have the gospel in my life. I wasn't running around laughing and screaming, but I was inwardly happy today.
Then I thought about end of term. Am I glad it's end of term? You better believe I'm glad that it's end of term. I worked my butt off for my grades this term. I can't remember a time when I've really had to step it up and try really hard to keep my grades up, but this term I did. I guess I just had a lot of other things in my life and so it was harder to balance them. Anyways, I'm pretty proud of all the hard work though. Calculus was really hard for me at the beginning of the year, (I apologize to my class mates who had to watch me complain) but I'm doing so much better now. I'm not excellent at the math, but I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying to study and learn and pay attention better than I ever have in that class. Some of the things take me a lot longer than other people and I'm still not amazing at it, but I have improved so much. It was really hard for me to do and I hope that I didn't act like too big of an idiot on the way. :)
So this term was awesome, hard, busy, cool, and fun, but in the end I made it through all the stuff and I'm pretty proud of how it all turned out. I'm happy. I can be exhausted, beaten, and broken and I'm still happy because I know that I have friends and family that love me, I know I have the gospel, and I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me. It's not always easy to remember these things when times are hard, but I still know deep down that it's true.
Have a wonderful night everyone. Hooray for end of term and hooray for the start of a new one.
-Fluffy
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
So, the other day I had my meeting with Ms. Parrish about all the essays that we have written so far in English. I did better than I thought and I was really happy about that. She made me feel like there was hope for my writing as opposed to telling me that I sucked. haha I appreciated that. Anyways, I'm writing about this experience because it helped me to realize something about myself. At the very beginning of the meeting, Ms. Parrish asked me what kind of writer I thought I was. I told her that I thought I was OK. Then, she asked me if I liked writing and I explained that I enjoy writing sometimes and that my favorite writing is what I write in my journal because no one else reads it; there's no risk. She proceeded to tell me that she found that very interesting because that's exactly what she thought as she was reading through my essays. I'm often concerned about what other people think of me.
In seminary, we had a lesson about fear. It was one of those lessons that I really needed. The lesson was based mostly on fear when leaving for missions, but I decided to apply it to other areas of my life. Fear isn't necessary, but it's something that is often present in my life. I fear that people won't accept me when they get to know me. I fear that if I talk to someone I'll say something stupid. I'm afraid that people won't think that I'm smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. I know in my heart that none of these things matter as long as I'm trying my best, but it's hard for me to accept. I'm working at communicating better with people. I'm also working at caring more about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. He's on my side and he wants me to be better, so I'm trying.
It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything, I just can't seem to get past what I think other people think about me. It's like when I'm playing softball and I'm up to bat. My coach is telling me to step into my hits and the ball will go a lot father. For the first few swings, I do exactly what my coach is telling me to do; however, eventually I slip back into my old habits and I forget to step into my hits. I know that if I step into it, I'll do so much better in softball, but I can't seem to get out of my bad habit.
This same things seems to be happening in my life when it comes to caring about what other people think. I know that I don't need to worry about it and I've got people constantly telling me how to fix it, but I can't seem to find the strength to turn my weakness into a strength. I fix it for a few hours or a few days, but then I slip back into my old habit of closing myself off to keep myself safe. I end up doing the things that are comfortable rather than doing the things that will make me better.
There's no reason for me to be fearful of other people, so I'm trying to be better. I'm trying my best to rely on my Heavenly Father for the guidance and help that I need. So, I'm trying to be open. At work, I try to talk to people and I've even attempted unfolding my arms so I seem more approachable lol. At school I'm trying to talk to people, even if it's hard for me. I'm improving and I know that I'm doing my best to show people who I really am.
D&C 6:36 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
-Fluffy
In seminary, we had a lesson about fear. It was one of those lessons that I really needed. The lesson was based mostly on fear when leaving for missions, but I decided to apply it to other areas of my life. Fear isn't necessary, but it's something that is often present in my life. I fear that people won't accept me when they get to know me. I fear that if I talk to someone I'll say something stupid. I'm afraid that people won't think that I'm smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. I know in my heart that none of these things matter as long as I'm trying my best, but it's hard for me to accept. I'm working at communicating better with people. I'm also working at caring more about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. He's on my side and he wants me to be better, so I'm trying.
It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything, I just can't seem to get past what I think other people think about me. It's like when I'm playing softball and I'm up to bat. My coach is telling me to step into my hits and the ball will go a lot father. For the first few swings, I do exactly what my coach is telling me to do; however, eventually I slip back into my old habits and I forget to step into my hits. I know that if I step into it, I'll do so much better in softball, but I can't seem to get out of my bad habit.
This same things seems to be happening in my life when it comes to caring about what other people think. I know that I don't need to worry about it and I've got people constantly telling me how to fix it, but I can't seem to find the strength to turn my weakness into a strength. I fix it for a few hours or a few days, but then I slip back into my old habit of closing myself off to keep myself safe. I end up doing the things that are comfortable rather than doing the things that will make me better.
There's no reason for me to be fearful of other people, so I'm trying to be better. I'm trying my best to rely on my Heavenly Father for the guidance and help that I need. So, I'm trying to be open. At work, I try to talk to people and I've even attempted unfolding my arms so I seem more approachable lol. At school I'm trying to talk to people, even if it's hard for me. I'm improving and I know that I'm doing my best to show people who I really am.
D&C 6:36 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
-Fluffy
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
(8) Nothing's Wrong With Me (8)
So I was watching Oprah today and I was very much intrigued by the show. The show was called something like the High School Challenge. They showed a high school that did this crazy cool activity where the got a bunch of students together from all the different clicks and they had them open up to each other. They talked about all sorts of prejudices, hurts, and pains that the students had gone through.
It was really interesting to see how I, living really far away from this high school, could still connect to these students. I had been through many of the same things that these other high school students had been through. The talked about being teased and made fun of a lot and most of us can probably identify with that. I'm sure that most, if not all, of us have been teased by someone on quite a few occasions.
In the segment they did an activity where they said something and everyone that identified with it stepped across the line. They had categories for racism, teasing, and so much more and it was interesting to see which of the categories I would have stepped over the line for.
Anyways, the point of the whole activity was to attempt to break down some of the barriers that are created in high school. It was to get us to look past certain prejudices that we have against people based on race, gender, or anything else that is just a part of who people are. The point was to try and show people how to be less biased and judgemental. A lot of the kids that shared parts of their lives shared things that couldn't be seen based on a glance. Many of the teenagers were going through really tough things like weight problems, death, sickness, and low self-esteem.
I'm definitely not perfect at not being judgemental, but I'm going to try to be better. I'm really going to try to understand that everyone is trying to do their best and I shouldn't judge someone that I don't really know. It's hard; it's worth it.
-Fluffy
It was really interesting to see how I, living really far away from this high school, could still connect to these students. I had been through many of the same things that these other high school students had been through. The talked about being teased and made fun of a lot and most of us can probably identify with that. I'm sure that most, if not all, of us have been teased by someone on quite a few occasions.
In the segment they did an activity where they said something and everyone that identified with it stepped across the line. They had categories for racism, teasing, and so much more and it was interesting to see which of the categories I would have stepped over the line for.
Anyways, the point of the whole activity was to attempt to break down some of the barriers that are created in high school. It was to get us to look past certain prejudices that we have against people based on race, gender, or anything else that is just a part of who people are. The point was to try and show people how to be less biased and judgemental. A lot of the kids that shared parts of their lives shared things that couldn't be seen based on a glance. Many of the teenagers were going through really tough things like weight problems, death, sickness, and low self-esteem.
I'm definitely not perfect at not being judgemental, but I'm going to try to be better. I'm really going to try to understand that everyone is trying to do their best and I shouldn't judge someone that I don't really know. It's hard; it's worth it.
-Fluffy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
