Bermudan is the way to be

(8) Little Moments like that (8)

2009-01-01T23:46:00.003-07:00

So you'd think that since I have practically nothing to do that it would be a lot easier for me to post. I think I've only posted on this blog once since the break started. For the record, the break's been awesome fun.

You know, things really are going to be all right. I am just really blessed, and I'm so grateful that I know that things are going to turn out for the better no matter what. I have someone looking out for me, and I'm really grateful for that.

My mom said something that really stuck with me the other day. She said that she was trying harder to live in the moment instead of constantly looking forward to what was coming next and what needed to be done. I really took that to heart when she told me that because I'm often looking forward to things or waiting for the next seemingly better thing to come along. But really, sometimes I miss some pretty great moments because I'm waiting for the ones that I think will be better.

So I'm trying harder to take my mom's advice on that one. When I'm with certain people I'm trying to be happy about it and be in the moment. Because sometimes moments can be unexpectedly splendid even though we're not anticipating it.

I hope that you're all doing well tonight and that your break has been really great. I think you're all great and I'm glad that we're all just trying to do our best with what we've been given. I'm here if you need me ;)

-Fluffy

(8) Big girl (you are beautiful) (8)

2008-12-18T20:27:00.003-07:00

Today is post 100! This may be a bit over the top, but I don't really care. I'm having fun with my blog today. I've been thinking a lot about what I would put for post 100 and so I looked at activities you can do for 100 day in school. But none of them really seemed to fit into the blogosphere. So instead I'm just going to list some things about myself. Lame? Probably. Am I going to do it anyway? Yes.

10 Things that make me happy... (no particular order)

1. Balloons
2. Happy Children
3. Music
4. Boys that like girls for who they are and not what they look like
5. Sugar Free pudding and jell-o jigglers
6. dance parties
7. Breaks from school
8. Playing Games
9. Winning Games
10.The Rain

3 Things I love...

1. Family
2. Friends
3. The Gospel

12 Songs or artists that I like right now...

a) Hairspray (almost all of the songs)
b) Big girl you are beautiful by Mika
c) Rascal Flatts (all of their songs)
d) Try a little tenderness by Michael Buble
e) Colbie Cailet
f) Carrie Underwood
g) Daughter of a King
h) Steadfast and Immovable
i) So close from Enchanted
j) Bella's Lullaby from Twilight
k) The Mo Tab
j) BYU Men's Choir

5 Things I don't like...

1. Cottage Cheese
2. Anxiety
3. Snow
4. Stupid boys
5. Shopping for Clothes

5 fun goals that I have...

1. Go somewhere cool and do humanitarian work
2. Sky Dive
3. Eat something exotic while being somewhere exotic
4. Go on a road trip with friends
5. River Raft

3 Serious goals I have...

1. Be a wife and mom
2. Go on a mission if it's right for me
3. Join the Mo Tab

Top 5 Movies...

1. Heavyweights
2. Emperor's New Groove
3. Enchanted
4. Hairspray
5. The Goofy Movie

Top 4 TV shows...

1. Iron Chef America
2. Biggest Loser
3. Food Network Challenge
4. What Not To Wear

Well that's probably enough. I could go for 100 but I don't think anyone would enjoy reading that many things about me. ;) That was fun! I hope that the 100th post lived up to everyone's expectations. It certainly lived up to mine. I had a lot of fun writing those lists and making that picture. Now I need to go study.

Have a great night, everyone. Happy 100th post day!

-Fluffy

(8) All I want for Christmas is you (8)

2008-12-14T18:18:00.002-07:00

I haven't written here for a while, but I feel like I want to tonight. I'm feeling... thoughtful tonight. I have some time before I need to start studying for my final on Tuesday so I thought I'd stop by and write. Sometimes it's nice to just write for me. Not because I have a final paper due or a chart to make for something, but just because I feel like writing. My grammer isn't super great when I write here, but I feel all right about that.

Today was a day mixed with all sorts of emotions and feelings. Stuart's farewell meeting was awesome, then I had a near anxiety attack at his house because of all the people, then I made a new friend at church, then I ate my favorite dinner, then I thought about some more difficult things, and now I'm writing to try and forget about the difficult things. My day has been filled with all sorts of ups and downs. My tiredness is probably adding to the more down areas, but all in all it's been a pretty good day.

I'm going to be honest. Sometimes I don't always say everything I want to say on this blog because I know other people read it, but I guess that's probably a good thing. But for the sake of the post, it's been a pretty good day.

So I have my finals coming up this week. I'm feeling pretty good about most of them, so hopefully I'll do well. I also have juries. Those could either be really terrifying or kind of fun depending on how I feel on Tuesday. I'm hoping that it'll lean more towards the fun side. But we'll see what happens.

I know that what I'm doing is what I'm supposed to be doing. Do I always think that it's spectacular? Not always. But I'm happy to report that I am pretty happy with my life right now. Well, I'm off to study. Wish me luck.

-Fluffy

(8) I would walk 500 miles (8)

2008-11-25T10:41:00.002-07:00

Well I'm writing today because I have nothing better to do. I'll start working on my theory soon, but I don't think it's going to take me three hours... My class was cancelled, and for that I am grateful. But I don't know what to do with myself. I'm meeting with my adviser at one and it is now 10:42. That's still a long ways away. So I'll write here. I'm getting ever closer to 100 posts. I'm sure that no one but me thinks that's pretty exciting, but when it's post 100 you'll all know ;)

Today has been just a really dandy day. I played pretty well for my French Horn playing test, and yesterday I kept myself at a relatively solid A in my online class. I'm not sure that I'll be able to keep it up for the final, but I'm doing my very best. And I finally picked a song for my keyboarding recital. It's in two weeks so I hope I have time to make it beautiful. I'm playing a very beautiful arrangement of Silent Night. I think it'll be a lot of fun. I won't get the extra credit for having it memorized, but I'll play something :D

The best part of today was being a spy. Jessica and I were coughing spies during our break. It was pretty fun.

I am so so so excited for Thanksgiving break. Just thinking about pumpkin pie makes me hungry. It'll be a really good weekend to just do whatever I want. I think that I'm going to go to the little volleyball tournament that my ward is having. I asked for work off so I could go, and now I just have to be brave. Sometimes playing games (especially sports) with boys isn't very fun. But I told myself that if I go I'm just going to have fun and do my best. I haven't played for quite a while, but I love volleyball. I'm just scared some huge boy is going to spike it in my face. Wouldn't that be terrible? I keep envisioning it in my head over and over. Scary. But really, it should be a fun thing for Saturday. I'll let you know if my face gets torn off by a volleyball. Hopefully nothing that traumatic happens, but you never know.

Well I've now wasted about 8 minutes writing this post, so I guess I'll do some theory. Boo theory. Have a spectacular day everyone!

-Fluffy

(8) nee, nay, nah, no, noo (8)

2008-11-13T15:10:00.002-07:00

So something pretty spectacular happened this very day. Flash back about three and a half hours ago to my voice lesson. I walked into said lesson with little else on my mind but making it through the lesson without drying out my throat because I lost my water bottle. I was focused on making it through and getting to other parts of my day. So we start with the usual "nee nay nah no noo" warm-up and I feel like I'm doing pretty well. Now fast forward 20 minutes. We're starting a more difficult warm-up and he tells me a specific ways he wants me to sing the warm-up. So I do. Then, the break through. Suddenly I was singing all mature like. My teacher says, "I think we found Melissa's voice," and we continue to work on it. It was amazing. I have NEVER heard myself sound so... grown up while I sing. I mean I'm not going to be an opera star or anything, but I sounded mature. It's cool. There was so much more power and freedom in my voice. It was really really really cool, and it made me feel pretty good too.

Today's been interesting, and that story might have been a bit more exciting about 3 hours ago when my lesson was over. I was feeling pretty giddy around that time. But it's still a good story and a good day. I have a lot more day left, but I'm excited for it.

I really just wanted to stop in and write about that story. So, I'll be posting again tomorrow hopefully. Have a super good night, friends. I hope you're all doing really well.

-Fluffy

(8) This is just a dream (8)

2008-11-12T21:08:00.005-07:00

I wish I could sing like Carrie Underwood. I've been watching the CMA awards for the past little while. She was the best. No battle. My mom just told me she's the female vocalist of the year, and I'm not too surprised. She rocks.

So it's been a pretty long time since I've written on this blog of mine. Nine days according to Katie. ;) I'm doing really quite well with this whole school thing. There are still things that I need to do better, but I'm trying. I'm making friends, and I'm even doing something with a few of them this weekend. I wasn't sure that I'd ever have friends at school, but I'm happy that I do. They're great.

I kind of want to write for the next 5 days in a row so that I can get to 100 posts. I'm not sure that I'll do it, but the 100th post on this blog is going to be a pretty spectacular one. I might even draw balloons on paint and post them here. We'll see what happens.

Life is good and things are going well. That definitely doesn't mean that there aren't hard days, but it means that those days are fewer and less significant. I hope you're all doing well and that things are going great for you. Good luck with school, work, or whatever you're doing these days.

-Fluffy

P.S. Shout out to Katie. Good luck with your tests! You'll be great!

(8) Rollin' Rollin' Rollin' (8)

2008-11-03T09:36:00.003-07:00

I'm writing from the music building's computer lab. I heard someone say that they had twelve music classes this semester... and here I was thinking that ten was bad. So, I'm slowly realizing that this keeping my head barely above water thing isn't working out so well for me. I've never been much of a studier, but I think I'm going to have to start working harder at this homework thing. We did rhythm clapping today and talked about instrumental music. What if I get stuck teaching instrumental music?!? What am I going to do? I know nothing about instrumental music, and I definitely don't know enough to teach other people how to do it.

I'm feeling really stressed right now, so I thought that writing on my blog would help me relieve some of that stress. It's working, and I'm feeling a little better.

Yesterday was a really good and bad day for me. I got a lot of things done that should have been done a long time ago, but it still felt good to finish it. I did a tiny bit of homework this week, but not enough. I had a sudden prompting that I needed to go to the CES fireside last night. I've been to one before, and it was all right. But literally I felt like I needed to go about five minutes before it started. So I ran down stairs and threw on a dress all while thinking about how crazy I was acting and I dashed over to the church. I made it just as the opening song was starting. I definitely needed to be there. The presiding bishop talked a lot about what we would make of ourselves. It was good for me to hear. I mean I'm progressing and doing well, but there's still more that I can be doing. The only hard part was realizing that I still have no friends in my singles ward. But I'm sure I'll find some soon. I was worried about it last night, but I'm not super worried about it today. I'll be there for a year at least. That gives me plenty of time to make friends. I hope.

I lead the music in sacrament meeting yesterday! It was absolutely terrifying. It was pretty fun though after I got past the feeling of terror. So it ended up being a pretty exciting adventure.

So my good news of the day is that I got a new job. I start today. I'm working at my mom's school on Mondays after I get out of school. I'm going to be an aide for their after school choir program. So basically I'm going to teach small children to sing. That's the goal at least, and I'm pretty excited about it. Well, I'm scared and excited, but it'll be good. It'll be a really great way for me to ease into the whole teaching business. We'll see how it goes...

So yeah, that's my life right now. I'm getting almost enough sleep, not studying hard enough, trying to change, trying to balance, teaching, learning, and most importantly I'm just trying to be my very best me. It's working pretty well, but I'm not feeling quite so great about everything today. I'm going to try and work harder at this school thing.

I hope you're all doing well. Things are great here minus the cold, and I hope they're great for all of you as well. Have a great week and a spectacular Monday.

-Fluffy

(8) It feels like today (8)

2008-11-01T00:13:00.003-06:00

Doesn't it feel great to just feel great about things? It just feels so great tonight to be moving forward and being who I am. I'm not really sure how to describe how I feel other than saying that I feel rather content. I felt content a lot today and I thought about a lot today. The past few days have been really good for me. I haven't done as much school work as I should, but I've been moving forward on some other things. Now I just need to focus on the school side again for a bit.

Things are going well, and I'm feeling good. I hope that you're all doing well tonight too. Have a great weekend, and I hope your Halloween was filled with awesomeness. Night.

-Fluffy

(8) Someone needs your star (8)

2008-10-27T22:56:00.002-06:00

Something pretty great happened this fine evening. It wasn't really what I planned to have happen, but it turned out really well. My family was going to go out to dinner tonight to support my sister in this fundraiser she's doing for soccer, but Glen called me and invited me to go and see a play with him at Hale. Into the Woods is a great play by the way. Loved it. I had a really good time with Glen, and his parents were super nice to me.

The point of the story is that tonight made me feel like I'm doing all right. I'm not perfect or anywhere near perfect, but I'm doing OK. It's just a good feeling to feel like I don't need to worry so much about the future and other things that seem to be so pressing. I don't need to worry so much about people not liking me. I think deep down somewhere in my heart I really do know that things are going to be great in the end. It's just been hard to remember that every day. It's especially hard to remember that when I don't feel like things are going the way I think they should. But today I feel like things are going to be all right. Today was a little push towards following yesterday's quote of the day.

Things really are going well for me. I'm moving forward and learning new things about myself. I'm learning to be open to other people and to let people in to see who I am. It's super scary for me, but I'm doing it because I know that it's the best thing for me. I really hope you're all doing well tonight. I'm always here to talk if you need someone or if you just want someone to say hi to. :) Good night, friends. Good luck with your Tuesday.

-Fluffy

"When referring to an individual, including yourself, never use the word 'just'." -President Hinckley

(8) It's not like you (8)

2008-10-26T22:25:00.003-06:00

Hey, friends. I don't really have anything special to write about tonight, but I do like writing on my blog. This weekend has been pretty interesting for me. It was so great to see everyone. It's just great to have people around me that really care about me. It was nice.

The quote of the day is a pretty awesome one. It's from this last conference, and I think it sort of sums up what I need to do right now. Things are different, but that doesn't mean it has to be miserable. I'm going to try my very best to "love it."

I guess I really don't have too much to say tonight. I just wanted to stop by and let you all know that things are going well. Things are moving along and I'm learning and growing. I hope that you're all doing well tonight as well. Good night, friends. Good luck with your week.

-Fluffy

"Come what may, and love it." -Joseph B. Wirthlin's mother

(8) I've got you under my skin (8)

2008-10-23T12:51:00.006-06:00

Today has been a super crazy day for me. I was late getting up this morning so I had to drive to school. I really like driving to school because I feel some sort of strange comfort knowing that my car is with me. It just feels great knowing that I can bring EXTRA things to school and keep them in my car. I know it's weird, but it makes me pretty happy. But driving also has a pretty big downside coupled with it. I have to walk from the institute building to David Gardner hall, and that's a really long walk. Plus it was cold. I do look pretty cute today though. So things could be worse. ;)

I thought about things being worse twice today. Just now and earlier when I was feeling fat. I looked at the elevator's capacity of 4000 lbs and thought, "at least I can fit on the elevator." "Things could be worse." It made me smile and laugh to think that in my head. It was a shame that there was no one in the elevator that I could share the random thought with. It was a pretty good one.

I had to sing for the whole vocal music freshman class today. There's a little more than 40 of us, and I thought I was going to die. I was so scared. And I had picked my "brave" song to sing last night when I was feeling brave. I wasn't feeling quite so brave this morning, but I felt like I did really well. I gave it my all. My legs and hands were shaking uncontrollably, but I feel good about it. It felt good to do well, and I'm really grateful that I feel good about it. My voice lesson went well too. He told me I have good over tones. I like over tones so I guess I'm pretty glad that I have good ones ;)

Today has been a pretty silly day. Stressful and long? Yes. Good? Also a yes. Things are going to be all right. There is so much that I can improve, but I'm still going strong with my small and simple goal. It's really working for me to try and make a few smaller things better right now. Things are going well for me, and I really hope that things are going well for all of you as well. Have a stupendously spectacular day!

-Fluffy

The quote today isn't the quote that I was looking for, but it's by the same man. It's a really great quote. Hopefully I'll be able to find the other quote that inspired me to look him up. Sorry, it's long. :)

"Life is simply time given to man to learn how to live. Mistakes are always part of learning. The real dignity of life consists in cultivating a fine attitude towards our own mistakes and those of others. It is the fine tolerance of a fine soul. Man becomes great, not through never making mistakes, but by profiting by those he does make; by being satisfied with a single rendition of a mistake not encoring it into a continuous performance; by getting from it the honey of new, regenerating inspiration with no irritating sting of morbid regret; by building better to-day because of his poor yesterday; and by rising with renewed strength, finer purpose and freshened courage every time he falls." -William George Jordan

"Happiness is your heritage"

2008-10-20T21:36:00.002-06:00

Well today was interesting. Did I do anything monumental? Not really. Did I learn a few things that I can do better? I sure did. I had a few of those "Melissa, things really aren't as bad as you're making them out to be," moments. One of those moments happened while I was talking to a new friend. She's kind of having some of the same struggles that I'm having, but she told me that she knows that the U is where she needs to be so she's decided to put her all into it. She's going to make school one of her top priorities.

Am I ready for that right now? No. I can feel in my heart that I'm not ready to let go of some things and make school and making new friends my focus. I'm still trying to figure out how to balance everything, but I feel like in the next little while I'll be able to figure out all that stuff. There have been some nights (my blogging can attest to this) where I've been really really ready to move forward and to be better and to change the world, feed the hungry, and be awesome. I think that doing all of that is going to take a lot more work than I anticipated. So my new plan is to start out slow. I'm changing small things instead of my whole life. I'm being me, but I'm trying to move towards doing things a little bit better than before. I'm not ready for HUGE changes right now. I've had enough of those in the past little while. Now I'm ready to focus on a few smaller things that can be improved.

Things are going to be all right. Good night, friends. I really hope things are going well for you.

-Fluffy

"As spirit daughters of our Heavenly Father, happiness is your heritage." -Dieter Uchtdorf

(8) You hold more goodness than you know (8)

2008-10-19T20:45:00.002-06:00

Well, I took a pretty long break from posting for a while there. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. It's good because I'm writing when I really feel like writing, but it's bad because I don't get that day to day reflection on what I've done and where I'm headed. I'm not really sure which of those will win out in the end, but for now I'm sticking to the writing every once in a while thing. We'll see how it goes.

I've been complaining a lot lately. Maybe I feel like talking about the things that are hard for me feels like complaining. Either way I don't really like it when I complain to people. Sorry Katie. :) I'm going to try and fix that. Things are kind of hard for me right now, and I've been getting the counting my blessings and counting my trials mixed up. It's a whole lot easier to count my trials and say "Look at this! What is going on?" than it is to look at my life and focus on all the good things.

Thatcher wrote that he was ready to be better, and I'm really proud of him for that. I wish that I were in that place tonight. I wish that I were ready to move on and do better things, but tonight I feel kind of stagnant. I feel stuck in the position of trying to hold to things from the past and moving on to new things. It seems like every time I try to move on and be happy and do better, something pulls me back to the less happy side. Right now I feel more like I'm trying to get by. It's kind of like the difference between running through the grass and running through the swimming pool. I'm still moving forward in the swimming pool, but it's a languid forward. It's like I'm using every part of myself to pull myself out of my bed and live another day. It's not that I don't love swimming (AKA life.) It's just been a little bit harder lately to understand why certain things are happening and why I'm feeling certain things.

I'm sort of feeling like I'm at that crossroad between letting go of some things and holding on to other ones. I don't want to let go of some things, but it hurts to hold on to them as tightly as I am. I'm just not really sure what I'm going to do right now. Will I be OK this week? Only time will tell. I'm sure I'll be fine, but will I come out of it emotionally and mentally in tact? Maybe not. We'll see.

We're hoping for the best this week. I'm shooting for the stars and saying that things are going to be all right. I'm going to hold on to what I know will keep me sluggishly shoving myself through the water. And I'll keep a smile on my face. Oh yeah, I can multi-task.

Good luck with your week, friends. I really hope that things go well for you and that you're not pushing through the water. If you are, I'm sure you'll come out a better person. That's what I'm trying to focus on: the big picture. Good night, friends.

-Fluffy

“Work will cure your grief. Serve others.” -President Hinckley

Compassionionate Service

2008-10-14T00:48:00.005-06:00

Sorry to post twice in one night, but I've been thinking about something and I feel like it's something that I really need to say. It could be for the benefit or someone who reads this or it could just be for my own benefit. Either way I think it's an important concept that I'm slowly learning.

You know all of us are trying to do our best. I don't think that very many of us try to be bad at talking on the phone or keeping in touch, but we're not perfect people. We don't always do or say the right things because we're all still learning how this whole human thing works. We're all still trying to figure out if there's such a thing as loving too much or if it's safe to put our complete love into people. Some of us are still learning the significance of faith and the role it plays in our life. There are just so many things that we're all trying to achieve and learn in this life.

Compassion is something that's really important to me. Ms. Parrish once said something about when we lose compassion then we lose what it means to be human. There's a lot of significance in that statement. Compassion is something that is easy to have but not always easy to remember. What I mean is that sometimes it's easier to feel compassion for people when it's obvious that they need our compassion. Seeing someone sick or hurt automatically brings about a certain amount of compassion from the observing people because it's one of those univeral human truths. Compassion is something that we all understand and feel when we see someone in need.

But how much more difficult is it for us to feel compassion for the man who cuts us off or the family member who seems to be acting impossible? It's a lot harder to have compassion when we can't see deep into the problems and challenges that people are facing on the inside. It's a lot easier to recognize outward problems and so it's a lot easier to have sympathy towards individuals who suffer outwardly. But i believe that compassion lies deeper than that. I believe that true compassion happens when we can see inward battles and find ways to heal them. Perspective is huge. Attempting to understand why people do the things they do makes it so much easier to find the strength to help them. Seeing someone suffering and doing something about it is what I think compassion is.

I wanted to see how a real dictionary would define compassion so I went to dictionary.com. The first definitely for compassion is this, "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering."

You know, there are a lot of people who are suffering right now, and I know that I can do a lot more to "alleviate the suffering." Sometimes just smiling or saying hi to people can really help. We don't have to do huge things to help, but every small act of kindness helps move the work forward. We're all doing our best while we're here. We're all trying to put our best foot forward and find that true inner happiness. I know where I can find that true inner happiness, and I'm working really hard to keep that happiness with me always because I know how important that happiness is. I need it. Having a little bit of compassion for others can make a huge difference if we'll let ourselves do our part. This work will move forward and we will be able to help other people move forward with the compassion we show towards them. Please know that we're all doing our best. We're all just trying to make it through this earth life while enjoying the journey. Making our boxes bigger is scary, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do it. This entry is scary for me to post, but I feel it right now. I feel like in order to start progressing I need to be immovable and firm. Doing hard things is a part of this life, and it can only make us stronger and better prepared for our next challenges.

-Fluffy

“Violence is not strength, and compassion is not weakness.” -King Arthur (Camelot)

(8) Quando Quando Quando (8)

2008-10-13T21:37:00.004-06:00

Hello there, friends. I have some bad news. Well I guess it could be good news depending on how you feel about my writing. ;) I think that I am officially announcing that I won't be posting every day anymore. I still feel a little undecided about it, but I think it's a good idea for me right now. It kind of makes me feel sad to think about though, but it'll be an opportunity for me to post when I really feel like posting and I'll be able to get some other things done that are a bit more important at this point. I've been slacking on some things, and I think this will help. I won't be writing every night, but I'll still write pretty frequently. Hmmm I didn't think I'd feel so bad about this. It'll be all right though.

It's funny, I didn't really think that I enjoyed blogging quite as much as I do. There's just something really great about writing down what you feel and reading what other people feel. It's sort of a way of binding people together. I like that it's been a really great way of hearing about how other people are doing while they're far away at college. It's nice to reflect on myself as well as read about other people. Blogging is good.

So yes. Today was an interesting day for me. Fall break is turning out...differently than I would like. I'll be working a bit more than I thought, but the money is definitely needed right now. So it'll be good for me and it'll keep me productive. You know that commercial where the girl says that she hasn't had a day off since the fourth grade? I feel like that sometimes lol It's not a bad thing, but it's kind of true. I did get a nap in today though and I went to family home evening. So that was pretty fun. It was a good day. Different that I expected, but still good.

I hope that you're all doing really well tonight. I'm still not sure that I'm ready to let go of this every day thing. I don't always say spectacular things every post, but I still feel like it's helping me in some way. We'll just have to wait and see what happens :) Have a great night, friends.

-Fluffy

(8) R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me (8)

2008-10-12T23:30:00.003-06:00

Hmmm I'm not really sure how I'm feeling tonight. Sundays are interesting days for me because it's a day that I reflect on how I'm doing and how i can do better for the next week. Sometimes it has the opposite affect that I want it to. Sometimes I can get pretty down on myself when I reflect too much. It's kind of silly, but sometimes reflection and too much thinking are bad things for me. I tend to over analyze and compare, and neither of those things end well.

I'm not really having that problem tonight. I am, but at the same time I'm just kind of feeling pretty weird. I don't like to listen to music while I post because I know that music affects the way I think and feel, but tonight I am listening to music and posting. It's just Mo Tab. So it's not a big deal, but it's still affecting how I feel, and I'm glad that I can recognize that.

I'm turning it off now.

I don't have school this week, and that makes me pretty happy. I really hope that this week is pretty great. I have quite a few good goals planned, and I'm excited to try and implement them into my life. We'll see how it goes.

You know, today I've been thinking a lot about marriage and dating and all of that ridiculous stuff. I'm not wanting to get married right now or anything. I don't think that I'm even looking for anyone to date me seriously right now; however, it would be kind of nice to date every once in a while. It sounds silly, but it really is a concern of mine. I'm sure it's a concern of a lot of people our age. I had a talk with some people a few days ago about how it's easier for a girl to date a guy, but it's easier for a guy to find a girl to date. I just think it's interesting the way that all works out. I guess it's sort of fair, but I still think that the boy gets the sweet end of the deal on that one. Plus their hair is easier to do.

The point of this whole tangent is that sometimes it would be nice to be cared about in that way. Sometimes it would be nice to know that boys don't think I'm gross or something haha Sometimes it would just be nice to be viewed as a girl who's extra-special to someone. Tonight is one of those nights when all of those things seem like they would be really nice.

It's not a huge deal right now for me, but it's just kind of something that I've sort of been thinking about lately. I just wish that I could look at a cute boy and think that there might be even a tiny chance that he could care about me romantically. I'm sorry if that was a weird subject, but I've been thinking about it a lot lately so I thought I'd share. If it was weird just let me know and maybe I won't write about it again.

So another thing that I've been thinking a lot about lately is trust. I think I have some pretty major trust issues. I sort of rerealized this in my voice lesson this week. I learn a lot about myself in those voice lessons of mine... So he told me that I need to trust that my body will hit the notes that I want it to hit and that I don't have to try as hard as I'm trying right now to sing well. I get pretty tense while I'm singing and I kind of try to make my vocal folds do all the work when really the sound should come from the breath and not my throat. He told me that i should trust myself that things will turn out all right while I'm singing.

I've been thinking about that a lot this week as I've been doing random things. I think that there's a really big part of me that doesn't like to trust myself and other people. Somewhere in the back of my mind i don't let myself be all the way me all the time because I'm afraid that someone else won't accept who I am. It's kind of like I feel like myself isn't always good enough. This feeling of unworthiness is bad. I realize that it's bad, and I'm trying to fix it by focusing on all the good things that I do, but it's really hard to do that sometimes. In the same way that it's hard for me to retrain my voice, it's even harder to retrain my heart and mind to be open to people. Sometimes getting too close is dangerous. People leave and hearts get broken all the time so sometimes it's hard for me to put that trust in people. People are so unpredictable that it's scary to put your complete trust in them.

I think it's also good to recognize that I don't always trust myself. It's hard to trust in myself when I know that I'm prone to making mistakes. It's difficult to put your trust in someone that you know pretty completely. When I recognize my shortcomings, it's easier to be cautious than to just go for things. Trusting is hard. Trusting is really hard.

I'm going to work more on trusting this week. I'm going to work on trusting myself, others, and in the higher power that I know is trustworthy. Trusting will be a gradual process, but it'll be worth it. It's worth it to me to find the confidence in myself that I'm lacking right now because i know that I have things to offer. That's easy to forget when boys don't like me or when trusting in myself seems so distant, but I'm going for it. I'm really trying to live my life right now. I'm trying to take chances and to be as courageous as possible.

I hope that you're all doing well tonight. Sorry if anything that i said was awkward for you to read. Both of those topics were things that I've been keeping pretty private, but I feel like talking about them will help me to grow and be a better person. I hope things are going well for all of you. Night.

-Fluffy

"Live your life."

(8) Why are there so many songs about rainbows?"

2008-10-12T01:20:00.003-06:00

Do you know what time it is? Holy mariah it's 1:20 AM. It keeps getting worse. If I keep heading this way, then by next week I'll be awake until three in the morning for sure. I can't even think when it's this late.

So today I had a really bad attitude about going to all state downtown. All I could think about was my broken button and how I was going to freeze. So we got down there and got into the concert at about six thirty. It was a really spectacular concert. I felt so bad for having a bad attitude because of how good it was. The sound was great, Dr. Allred was awesome, and the choir was just outstanding. I absolutely loved it. My favorite song was the gospel piece they sang at the very end. I wanted to get up and improvise too. Tomorrow I'm going to try that out and see how it goes. I have a pretty "sweet" sounding voice so I'm not sure that gospel is right for me, but it would be SO cool if it was. It was awesome and i loved it.

Tonight was really fun. I spent a lot of time with people that I really care about, and that made it super. I wouldn't trade today for anything, and I'm so glad that i got to spend it with so many amazing people. So thanks to all the awesome people out there that made my day extra special.

I hope that everyone is having a really great weekend. Tomorrow's going to be a spectacular day. I hope everything is going well for you all. Night.

-Fluffy

Quote of the day: "If I do just a little more every day..." -unknown

(8) Makin' banana pancakes (8)

2008-10-11T01:00:00.003-06:00

It's officially 1:00 AM. I think that this could be the latest I've ever posted before. Maybe I'll go back and look, but probably not. It's kind of late. Today was a pretty good day. It was SO hard to go to school this morning. I only had two classes and one of them was choir. I did have a midterm in theory though, so i kind of had to go. I don't think that I'm brave enough to skip school anyway lol So my midterm went pretty well I think. I sure hope it went well, and I guess I'll know soon after fall break.

Fall break... is a glorious thing. There's something really really spectacular about knowing that I don't have classes next week. It will be such a good time to catch up on sleep and stuff. I can't even wait. I have some plans that I posted two posts ago I think. Hopefully I'll stick to them and I won't be too lazy over this break.

Today was a really good day, and I'm glad that I had the opportunity to live it. I'm really trying to improve some things, and today was filled with a lot of steps forward and a few steps back. It's to be expected ;)

Oh how wonderful it will be tomorrow to eat a chocolate chip pancake. I've been wanting one of those for quite a few days now, and I think tomorrow is the day to have one. Good night, friends. I really hope that you all have a great weekend! Much love.

-Fluffy

So I know I've used that title before, but I really want a pancake so I'm using it again.

(8) Try a little tenderness (8)

2008-10-09T21:24:00.003-06:00

Today was a relatively good day for me. I feel like my midterms and test went pretty well. The sight singing was a lot better than I thought it would be, and she's a really nice teacher so that helps too. I used to be really quite terrible at sight singing, and it's been cool to see my progress with that one. Pre-performance wasn't so bad either. There were only a few things that i didn't know the answers to. Matching muscles to what their role is in singing was kind of difficult for me, but I really liked the IPA. I got the poem right and I didn't even need to look at my chart. That made me feel pretty good.

In brass study, Mike and I waited until the very last to test on our song. It was actually pretty funny because the rest of the class left because class was over. So it ended up being just me, the teacher, Mike, and a few people that decided to stay because they didn't have class. I did a lot better than I thought I would, and I got to have a pretty good laugh with Mike. It was actually kind of fun aside from still shaking because I was scared. haha Keyboarding really well too, and I did just fine on the song.

I know there was no way i could have done all of those things on my own. There was definitely a lot of divine intervention and I'm really grateful for that. I was so scared for today, and it turned out pretty well.

My sorority was interesting tonight... I'm still trying to get used to it I guess. And I wish that I had someone in there that I knew. Everyone else joined with a friend so I'm a little lonely at the moment. Plus I got lost on the way there. I HATE getting lost because I get so stressed out while I'm lost. But I eventually found it and was only forty five minutes late. They still hadn't started though so it wasn't a big deal.

So yeah, today was a pretty good day for me. I'm exhausted, but I get to sleep in a little bit tomorrow morning which will be really nice. I hope you're all doing well and that things are going well for you. Have a spectacular night and a lovely weekend.

-Fluffy

PS Quote of the day: "Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine." -President Gordon B. Hinckley

"Did you every say, Billy, I love you?"

2008-10-08T22:21:00.002-06:00

So I'm just going to be honest. I'm kind of freaking out right now. I have three midterms tomorrow and a test. Who does that in one day? Oh right... music majors. I'm freaking out because I don't feel prepared for any of them except the test. I'm terrified for the midterms... I'll let you know how they go, but I'm seriously stressing out right now.

Have I always been this prone to stress? Katie would probably know... maybe I'll ask her tomorrow. I know things are going to be all right, but I don't even know if i'll be able to sleep at this point. I'm super tired and I have another long day ahead of me, but i'm kind of going over the edge emotionally right now. I'm having this huge inner turmoil that's been lasting all day. I'm sure that tomorrow at around 12:00 I'll be feeling not stressed anymore. I might not feel good, but I won't be stressed...

All right, enough about that. Things are going to work out all right. I'll study again on TRAX in the morning. The happy thing of the day was that I got to watch the biggest loser :D And Jessica brought me a tasty pizza something for lunch and Matt gave me a carmel. So aside from school today was a pretty good day. So yeah, things are going to be all right. I should have studied more I think, but I'm a little overwhelmed so I think I'll head to bed soon. The goal for tonight is eleven, and the goal for fall break is to get my life back into order. Things that includes are as follows. (Not in any particular order)

1. Get ready for my piano midterm
2. Clean my room like crazy
3. Exercise plan and better eating
4. relax
5. not playing the trumpet
6. observations
7. going to my singles ward activities and church
8. figure out anything else that seems to be not going as well as it could

So yeah, that's my plan for fall break. I might work too depending on how things work out. Things are going well for me. I'm super stressed, but i know that it will all be fine in the end. There are worse things that not getting an A. i just have to keep telling myself that. There are worse things that not getting an A... or a B. Oh man today is a funny today. Well I think I'm starting to let the stress take over this post so i should leave before I start saying weirder things.

Have a great night everyone. I hope you're all doing well. :)

-Melissa

(8) Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket (8)

2008-10-07T22:10:00.003-06:00

I was going to write something deep and inspiring today, but I'm really just not feeling it today. I feel like there are some things that I could really be doing better at though. I mean last night I only got 5 and a half hours of sleep. Most people are pretty good at living off of that, but it's just not good for me. When I don't get enough sleep, it tends to throw off a lot of things that I've worked hard to be good at. The goal tonight is eleven, and that will get me 7 hours of sleep which is pretty good. It's hard having really early classes and commuting. It's so easy to stay up late and so hard to get up early. I know I've said it before, but I really want to work on getting enough sleep. Because when I get enough sleep focusing and doing all sort of other things is just easier.

I did have a really good day today though. My midterm today wasn't so bad, and I feel like I did pretty well on it. And on the way home on TRAX I talked with some friends and that was pretty fun. They think I'm funny. haha Then I got to hang out with Alan and watch The Biggest Loser. I love that show.

So yeah, it was a good day today. The quote of the day is from my EFY director a few years ago. "Never forget who you are." I'm going to put a little plug in for that one too. We're all pretty important people trying to do pretty important things. And the easiest way to do those things is to remember who we are and why we're doing the things that are important to us.

I hope you're all doing well. Have a super good day tomorrow at school. I still think about all of you a lot and I hope and pray that you're doing well. I'm still here ready and willing to talk if you ever need someone. Have a great night.

-Fluffy

(8) Sing a little sing a little la la la (8)

2008-10-06T23:14:00.002-06:00

I'm up a lot later than I should be tonight, but my family decided that it would be a fun thing to have family home evening tonight and I thought that was probably more important than finishing my homework. I still have a little bit more homework to do before I go to bed, but I guess that I can just take a nap when I get home tomorrow. I don't really know what other options I have. I just finished my musicianship studying. I am terrible at dictation, and the problem is that it's really hard to practice dictation because someone has to play a random melody for you to write down. It's just something that's kind of difficult to practice on your own. But my teacher gave us some stuff to study over the weekend for our midterm tomorrow, but I didn't look at it until tonight. It's basically just dictation, and I guess if i get lucky those will the be the dictations she uses for the test tomorrow. I doubt it though, but maybe. I think that I might have a better chance of doing well tomorrow if she uses those ones from the book, but that still doesn't guarantee that I'll do well. I really need to study more. But sometimes it feels like all I do is study, and when I'm not studying I feel guilty for not studying. I don't think I'm doing my best, but I also don't really know how to balance the whole studying/homework thing with the rest of my life. I'll get it figured out. I just hope that my GPA doesn't suffer because I haven't figured it out. I'll let you know how the test goes tomorrow. It's my second midterm, but the first one didn't count because it was for my online class and we're still doing pretty basic stuff in there. So really tomorrow is my first midterm. I'm pretty nervous, so I hope that I do well.

After I finish this post I have to go and finish up this IPA (International Phonetics Alphabet) thing. It's pretty interesting, but I don't want to be tested on it. I'm really nervous for the midterm in that class. I'm not really sure what to study. I think we have a review tomorrow, and I really hope it helps.

Today was a pretty good day for me. School was hard again, but I'm doing my best, and that's all I've been asked to do right now. I was never promised that things would be easy for me, but I've got that constant guidance that says that it's all for my benefit.

I think that the best part of today was the FHE we had. We watched that new movie about the life of Emma Smith. It was really inspirational. I learned a lot of things from that movie that I didn't expect to learn, and I felt a lot of feelings that I didn't expect to feel. It was a good movie, and it was good that i spent some quality time with my family. Before the movie started i was helping my sister with some of her singing problems. It was pretty fun. I got a small experience with what it's like to be a real vocal teacher. It was interesting, and I understand now what they mean by teachers trying to impart all their knowledge in one lesson. I quickly learned that I had to focus on one thing to improve instead of twelve. It was a good learning experience, and I enjoyed spending some time with my sister. We don't do that very often, so it was fun. It was also pretty cool to see her take interest in something that really interests me. It was a cool experience, and I'll probably be helping her out more in the future too.

I also got to teach in my intro to music ed class today. We had to teach something non-musical in five minutes or less and so I decided to teach them a frisbee throw. I ended up teaching them two because I had enough time. So I taught the class the thumber and the forehand throws. It was pretty fun. I brought them all paper plates to practice with and I let a few students throw the real frisbee. i think it went pretty well, but it did get a little crazy when I let them run free with the paper plates. It was a good experience though, and it was great to see how I would handle a classroom setting.

All in all it was a good day today. Tomorrow will be interesting, but hopefully I'll have a good report for you when tomorrow rolls around. Good night, friends. I hope you're all doing well. Have a spectacular day tomorrow!

-Fluffy

(8) You are loved (8)

2008-10-05T21:37:00.003-06:00

So today was a pretty good day for me. I started off the day by going to conference with Alan. It was one of the coolest experiences of my life. I was so excited, and the session was so good. You know, I know that there's more than 13 million members of the church, but I love that certain speakers can get up and I feel like they know who I am. I can just feel their unconditional love for each member.

I really just felt loved today, and to be honest, it's been kind of a while since I've really felt like there some was someone who honestly loved me.

This will segway into my next topic. I thought a lot about being little kids today. It was my sister's birthday yesterday and so we had our little family part tonight. I was pretty excited because my cute little cousins come over on occasions like this and I haven't seen them for quite a while because of busy schedules and stuff. So I just love that when they walk in the door the first thing they do is yell my name and run over and give me a huge hug. It just makes me feel so good to see the goodness and the pure love that they have. After they ran in the door, they immediately wanted me to come and play with them. So we ended up jumping on the trampoline, which really means that they sat in the middle and I bounced them until my thighs started burning. It was so great to see them for a little while. They probably don't know how much they mean to me, but really I look up to them a lot.

How great would it be if everytime I saw someone that I love that I would rush to their side, hug them, and let the know that I really do care about them? When did we all lose that type of pure love? Now things are so much more complicated. Rushing to the side of a boy and hugging him as tightly as possible means some different things than it did when I was five. haha I sometimes wish that I could just go back to being as open and loving as most little children are. Wouldn't I be so much cooler if I just invited everyone to play with me no matter who they were? It sounds pretty corny, but really can't all of us think of multiple times when we've felt left out of something you wish you could have been involved in? And haven't there been times when someone's included you and you nearly cried because you were so happy that they thought of you? I know I can. I've tasted both sides of that pancake, and I know which side has the sweetest syrup. (That was a good analogy... oh, yeah)

I guess that I'm just trying to say that I know why we're supposed to become as little children. Most little kids are inclusive and excited about things. I wrote a little while ago about daring to be enthusiastic. I'm not saying that I'm going to run around hugging everyone and yelling their names and stuff, but really and sincerely being enthusiastic about other people's successes or just being there for other people.

President Monson touched on the importance of people today. He talked about how our problems shouldn't become more important than the people in our lives. I thought it was a really good point. I've definitely fallen victim to the stress thing, and it really hasn't done me any good. But listening to and caring about people will always get me somewhere.

Conference was really good this weekend, and so was my day. I learned a lot from the people around me, and I'm ready to try and implement a few things into my life. I'm starting out small, because sometimes I tend to put way too many things on my plate at one time. But these small changes will help me out in the long run. I'm ready to find joy in the journey. I'm ready to stop dwelling on things that I can't fix. My friends may be gone, but I still have a life to live here. I still have people here that will help me, and I'll help them too. Things might be changing, but I'm going to do my very best to find joy in things. It's going to be difficult, but it will be something that will really help me be a better and happier person.

Today was good. I'm still struggling with a few things, but I feel a renewed faith to press on and do good. Things are going to be all right. I just need to press on with hope and faith. I really hope that you're all doing well. I say that every night, but please know that I always mean it. Good night, friends. Good luck with everything you're doing right now. You are loved. Josh Groban said so. (I totally stole that from James... so funny.)

-Fluffy

(8) I feel the earth move under my feet (8)

2008-10-04T20:46:00.004-06:00

So today was a pretty interesting day for me. I had to wake up super early. That was pretty terrible actually. And I thought I'd get a nap before conference, but that definitely didn't happen. So I watched conference and then I went to work. Work was all right today, and it was good to see everyone that I haven't seen for a few weeks.

So today I just feel good. This morning I didn't feel so good, but conference helped me out a lot on that one. There were a lot of things said that I really needed to hear. It sort of gave me that push I needed. Alan just called me to invite me to go to conference with him!! I am so excited! I know it's probably strange, but I was really wanting to actually go to a session of conference this time. I've never been you know...

That just made my day so much brighter. I hope that you're all doing well. Remember I'm always here if you want or need someone to talk to. Good night, friends.

-Fluffy

(8) I thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today (8)

2008-10-02T22:57:00.003-06:00

Can I just tell you how grateful I am for tender mercies. There are some days when I just feel like I can't press on any more or I feel like there's no one left in the world that cares about me. And then I get a funny little text, a kind phone call, or someone just decides to tell me that they care about me. It really does mean a lot to me when people just show that they care because some times it's really easy to feel like I'm pushing through this life with only help from above. And it's nice to be reminded that there are people who are here on this earth that really care about me too. It's just nice to know that the things that I'm trying to do to help other people actually influence them, and that what I do really matters.

So I've been really into quotes lately. I like to write down funny things that people say or things that touch my heart. The quote for today came from the Relief society broadcast from last weekend. I really liked the talk that President Uchtdorf gave during the broadcast. It was one of those talks that you feel like it was given just for you. So I liked it enough to look it up again today and reread it while I had my break during school. So I was reading and I came across a line that really made me feel good about things. He said, "Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside." I really liked that he included the inside in this statement. I don't know about all of you, but I can be my harshest critic. It's really to get down on myself when I don't do things exactly the way I think I should be able to do them. I just thought it was a really good quote, and it was a really good talk. I would definitely recommend reading it. It was really good and funny, and it made me feel better about the direction I'm heading.

So today was full of a lot of interesting turns. I did some practicing and finished most of my homework. So it was successful as far as school goes. I'm not so sure how I did friend wise, but I sat in a group of people at our convo today, and that made me feel pretty good about things. It's still just different, and it's an adjustment that I'm still trying to make. It's worth it because I know that everything's going to be all right in the end. I'll eventually find my niche and make good friends. Some things just take time and patience, and that's what I'm doing now. I'm relying on the belief that all of this will turn out for the better and that I'll always have help along the way.

This post was just full of random thoughts that I had today and right now, and I'm not really sure how it turned out. I hope that you're all doing well tonight. Hooray for all right days. I sincerely hope that you're all doing well and that things are going well for you. I'm always here, and I'll always care.

-Fluffy

(8) Why can't we be friends? (8)

2008-10-01T22:57:00.003-06:00

Well, it's pretty late right now. So I apologize if this entry is pretty short. Today was a pretty good day for me again. I definitely didn't get everything done that I needed to today, but I did pretty well. While I was at school I did my best to use every moment to do things that needed to get done, and that was actually quite successful for me. I got in some good practice time which I really needed, and I'm feeling a little better about some of my midterms. We'll see how they go for reals, but I'm feeling all right about a few of them.

Well, I'm not really sure that I have anything to say tonight. Things went well, and I felt good about the day. I didn't really have any overwhelming feelings or anything, so today was just pretty steady and normal. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have more time to write. It'll probably be earlier too so I'll be more coherent. Well, good night. I'm sorry that this is so short. I'm just really tired. I hope you're all doing well. Night'.

-Fluffy

(8) I'm just out to find the better part of me (8)

2008-09-30T22:05:00.004-06:00

75! That's three-quarters of the way to 100. Look at me and my sick math skills.

I really like the line that I used for my title today. I just thought I'd listen to Superman by Five for Fighting, and I heard this line. I liked it a lot.

Today was an interesting day for me at school. I actually got pretty stressed out about some things today, and that hasn't happened to me for quite a while. I went to pre-performance and had to leave for a minute because I was getting so stressed out about everything. I sometimes have mini anxiety attacks, and it got kind of close to that. I haven't had one of those since middle of senior year or so. So it was kind of weird, but I'm all right. The day got better after school so that was good.

Nick invited me to a concert with him, and it was a really good one. I'm starting to really enjoy band and orchestra stuff. And especially orchestra. It's probably because the cello plays in orchestras, and they make me happy.

So yeah, it was an ok day. It started off not so good but turned out all right. Through all of this everything I'm just glad that I know my life is being guided and that I'm being watched out for. Thanks for listening friends. I hope you're all having a great time at college. The boys in Logan have to be if James is cooking. ;) Night, friends, and good luck with all your awesome stuff.

-Fluffy

(8) Don't you know you're beautiful just the way you are? (8)

2008-09-29T20:42:00.004-06:00

So here I am in my basement again sitting on my lap top and reflecting on the day. This whole blogging thing is really helping figure out what I need to fix and how I can fix it. I like being able to just sit down at the end of the day and reflect. It's nice just to note progress and things that can be done better. It's helpful, and I like it. It's fun to look back and see days that were hard, excellent, or just somewhere in between.

So today was definitely leaning towards one of the more excellent days; however, it definitely didn't start out that way. I woke up today feeling pretty good about the day. I wore a T-Shirt and jeans, and that always makes me happy. The only thing that would have made the outfit better would be the substitution of sweatpants or basketball shorts instead of the jeans. But you win some you lose some. So I headed off to TRAX and got there a little early which is always nice, and when I got to school I ran into Marissa and talked to her for a bit. It's always nice to see friends in the morning. So then I went to my first class and we had a really stupid quiz that was explained terribly unfairly. But a kid in my group complained and the teacher said she'd take care of it. I was actually fairly impressed by that. I thought it was great that she listened to what the students were feeling and saying and said she'd fix it. She recognizes that she makes mistakes, and was willing to correct it. I just thought that was cool, and I logged it away in my brain for future teaching reference.

So then I had about an hour break before my next class and so I walked with Chelsea and Whitney to the computer lab and I hung out there for a bit then went to a practice room to practice for my voice lesson this week. I'm not going to lie, I kind of used that as my escape for a little while. I think the test kind of stressed me out and I was feeling sort of overwhelmed and sad about a few things. So I thought that being alone for a bit and distracting myself would be a good thing.

Then Brock walked with me to theory and we joked about having a pop quiz which we did. It wasn't hard though, so it wasn't a big deal. It was pretty funny though. So yeah, theory was good, and I asked a few good questions that really helped me grasp what we're learning.

I'm feeling like moving in a different direction for the remainder of this post. So I'm going for it. As I was coming back from theory I was still feeling a little low because I was feeling kind of lonely again. But this time I decided to change my attitude and to go to the lounge and talk to some people. So I did. I went and I talked with a really sweet girl from choir and then Chelsea came in and we talked and laughed at funny things that my friends said this weekend. And for the rest of the day I felt really good about things. I missed my trax stop because I was talking with people from school, but it was all right because I was talking with people from school. I guess today was just one of those days where I really learned that focusing on the good is important, and putting forth an effort is important too.

I learned a lot of really good lessons in church yesterday, and it was great to see them in action. I have tons of flaws, but is it really going to make me feel better to focus on them? Of course not, and today I tried that. I tried to be myself and hoped that people liked it. It wasn't so bad, and it made today better because I put forth an effort. I'm not saying that every day is going to be better from now on, but today was an improvement, and that's what is important. Some things really are moving forward and getting better, and that's what I want to focus on.

So that's the moral of the story today. Focus on the good. I'm trying my best to make each day worth something good. Hard days are ahead, but so are so many really great ones. So yeah, today can be considered a success. I did my best to make today worth something, and that feels really good. Good night friends. I really hope you're all doing well and that things are going well for you. Night.

-Fluffy

(8) I have been changed for good (8)

2008-09-28T22:23:00.002-06:00

Well today was a really good day for me again. Can I just say that I am really really blessed. I have so many people that really care about me, and I'm given so many opportunities to be better and to feel like I can do better. Do I always do better? Definitely not, but I still always have that option. Each day i wake up is another day that I can decide to work hard and do my best or skim by and not try at all. Some days are harder than others, but I always have the opportunity and I'm grateful for that.

I had to leave some really important people again today. It wasn't as hard as last time, but that doesn't mean it wasn't hard for me. It was nice to have Chelsea in the car to talk with on the way home. We had an exceptionally long time to talk because we got lost on the way home; however, we eventually found our way and we had a really nice talk on the way home. Our lives have actually been really quite similar, and I'm really lucky that I found her. She's one of the only people that I've gotten past the superficial phase with at school. It was nice to talk to her. We talked about school, leaving friends, finding new friends, boys, and just life in general. It was just really really nice to talk to someone who's going through basically the same situation that I am right now. It's nice to just really talk to people that you can tell REAL things to. It's been hard to start over on that surface level with everyone at school because things just didn't seem very personal for a while there. I like things that seem real and genuine, and that just really wasn't happening for a while there. But talking on the way back really just gave me hope for the future. There is definitely room in my heart to love new people. I won't love any of my other friends any less, but there's always more room in my heart for new people. I was pretty protective of my heart for a while there, but I think that I'm ready to open it up and share it. I'm ready to find people that I can really care about. I'm ready to allow new people to be a part of my life.

Katie told me that we're all going to have to adapt to our new surroundings, and to me that means changing. I think I'm pretty easily influenced by the people around me, and so it's a good thing that I always end up with good people in my life. But this weekend really showed me that I don't have to be someone different because I'm with different people, and that being perfect isn't the most important thing. The most important thing is doing my best and sticking to the things that are important to me.

Today was just a really good day for me. It was hard. All right, it was really really hard, but I had a good person there to talk with me. We made it through that awesome and difficult time together, and I learned that my heart's big enough for more people. Caring about new people doesn't mean that I care about other people any less it just means that I care about more people. Well friends, I really hope things are going well for me. Don't forget me, and never forget that I care about each of you. You're all great people who have influenced my life for good, and there are still tons more people who are going to influence me for good as well. Good luck, and I'm always just a phone call or text away.

-Fluffy

(8) I miss mayberry (8)

2008-09-28T00:13:00.003-06:00

Eighteen years of attempting to look cute has gotten me no where. That's the moral of the story tonight.

So today was a really good day for me. I'm in Logan again which makes me super happy. It also makes me kind of sad because I have to leave and go back to real life, but it's worth it.

Things are a tiny bit different though. I talked to Katie about this and how certain things I say and do are starting to reflect a few of the people from school rather than friends from high school. It's weird to think that little things like that are changing, and it kind of scares me. I mean I'm pretty much by myself at college and so I've had to basically start completely over. It was really hard at first, but I've started making friends and so it's been easier. It's just weird to think that the people I choose to associate with really do influence me as much as they do. It's so important to surround yourself with good people, and I'm really starting to realize that lately. It kind of makes me sad to think that parts of me are changing. I suppose that it's something that's to be expected, but it just kind of made me take a moment to reflect on where I'm headed and stuff. It was good for me to realize that things are changing, but it's still weird. I'm still the same me, but I'm being influenced by different people. It's just different, and I hadn't really noticed it until today.

So yeah, I'm pretty tired so I think I'm going to head to bed. Have a great night, friends. I hope you're all doing well.

-Fluffy

(8) Take mine (8)

2008-09-26T12:11:00.002-06:00

So today I feel pretty good. I was supposed to do an observation this morning for my intro to music ed class, but practically every school district in the state of Utah has today off because of parent-teacher conferences. So I slept in this morning, and it felt great. I officially got eight hours of sleep, and that hasn't happened for a really long time.

So I'm posting from school again because I'm going to be far away ("My name is Lars.") at some distant cabin tonight. I'm actually pretty excited to go. It's for my LDS sorority, and it's our official retreat. I think it'll be really fun to get to know some of the other girls better. I met this one girl at our activity last week because we were practicing for powder puff, and we were both linemen. That's right, I played some pretty mean football, and she thought I was funny so I'm looking forward to getting to know her a little better. She seemed really nice, so I'll let you know what happens with that one.

So last night I went to see Pirates to get a concert attendance report thing, and I loved it! It was one of the funniest plays I've ever seen, and I knew most of the people in the cast. I've been singing the songs in my head all day. Especially the one's that Mabel sings because she was spectacular. It was a really good play, and I went with a new friend from school again so that made it even better.

Things are going great here. I wish I had more to write about, but I've only been awake for four hours. Sorry about that, I just won't have any more time to post later on. I hope you're all doing well. Oh, and I want to clarify one thing from yesterday's post. I wasn't saying that my teacher says I sound like T he was just saying that I'm trying to sound like T. So yeah, just thought I'd clear that up. So yeah, I hope everything goes well for everyone this weekend. Have a great day.

-Fluffy

Searching...

2008-09-25T12:39:00.002-06:00

So, I'm at school right now, and it's one of the days that I have a really big break before choir. I was planning on using this time to practice, but I came to the computer lab and got all thoughtful like so I thought I'd post what I've been thinking about today.

I just got done with my voice lesson about a half an hour ago, and he told me something that I've been thinking a lot about today. It's really kind of bothering me really. It's one of those moments when you really start to evaluate your progress and who you are. So after the warm-ups he asked to hear the song that I've been working on. I love this song. It's in French, it's about cradles, and its beautiful. It's the same French piece that we sang the year I was in Graces. I loved in then, and I love it even more now. So I finish singing and he comes over to the piano, sits down, looks right at me, and tells me that he's going to be very blunt with me. In my head I was all for it. My heart had a few reservations, but I was ready to hear what he had to say so that I could improve at the thing that I love to do. He told me that he thinks that I try to sing like T and that he really wanted me to sing like me. I'd never thought of my singing or my life like that until today. The things I've always thought I had trouble with in singing were fear and my lack of experience. I'd never considered that I wasn't being true to MY voice. So he had me do a few exercises that showed me what my real voice sounds like. It was like I was being introduced to a new person or something. It was one of those moments when you sort of second guess your whole everything.

So this experience in my voice lesson made me consider other areas of my life. I've been thinking a lot about my writing style, and what Ms. Parrish said to me last year about being very mindful of my audience in a not so good way because I lose voice. Then I thought about my blog and how I feel like I've been getting a lot better at being who I am on here, but am I really? I just don't know anymore. Is that weird that that simple comment made me second guess everything?

I've really been getting better at being who I am, especially at school. I told Katie yesterday that I really acted like me yesterday, but I wonder how often I go into the mode of being what other people want me to be. If I hear something that sounds good then I want to sound like that, if I read something that sounds good then I want to write like that, and if I see someone that acts well then I want to act like them. It makes sense, but it's not always what's best.

I've been working on bringing my whole self together all the time. That probably doesn't really make any sense. What I mean is that I've sort of been trying to sew together all the different pieces of my self. It's not that I'm someone fake when I'm with people, but sometimes I don't bring my whole self to the table. I often hide certain parts or leave other parts out for later. I'm trying to think of some type of example so that this makes sense. It's like there's this part of me that wants to be a certain kind of person, and so I change certain thing to be that kind of a person. It's like when I first meet people it's really hard for me to talk to them because I really want them to like me. So in order to know what they like I observe who they are, what they do, who they hang out with, and what makes them laugh. Then I can sort of make a judgment on what I should be when I'm with them, I guess.

I'm not a different person around different people, but I think that I bring out certain parts of myself when I'm with certain people. There are certain people that I can be my full people around all the time because I know that they'll love and accept me no matter what; but there are other people that I leave certain parts out because I know that they won't like it. I don't really know how to explain what I mean, but the moral of the story is that I'm working on this.

I'm working on not being afraid of failure and not being afraid of letting people see the real me. Going back to my singing... I'm working on making my singing be my voice because my voice is important. Other people's voices are important as well, but they're important because it's their voice. You know, as much as I would like most people to like me, not everyone is going to. As much as I might want to sound like someone who I think sing beautifully, I have a beautiful voice too. It's different, but that doesn't make it less important.

I was watching one of my favorite TV shows last night and Jilian (the trainer) asked Colleen what she was afraid of. Colleen told her that she was afraid of failing. Then Jilian explained to her that it would be better to try and fail then to not try at all. So that's what I'm going to try and do. I'm going to try my best to be the friendly and sweet person that I am all the time. That's the goal: I'm jumping in with both feet. Because doesn't it feel so much better when you jump into things with both feet? Dare to show enthusiasm (that's from a book.) That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to dare to show enthusiasm; I'm going to dare to care about people; I'm going to dare to be who I really am. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy to gather all the parts of who I am and combine them together everywhere I go, but this isn't a time in my life where I want to shy back into a corner because I don't feel like I'm going to succeed.

This is probably easier said than done, but I'm going to work on it each day. I'm going to stretch my box bigger by being a better me because it's important to me. I'm going to go and hang out with someone I met today and not be afraid that she won't like who I am. Because I don't want to be someone else, I want to be me.

Yeah...

Things are really looking up right now. I'm working harder than I've ever worked before, but I love it. This is something that is really important to me, and it's right. School, family, life, everything is really, and in all seriousness, coming together. That doesn't mean that things aren't hard, and it definitely doesn't mean that I have any clue what I'm doing at this point, but I know where I'm headed and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm excited to discover my own voice in both the literal sense and the metaphorical sense. (I don't even know if metaphorical is a word, but I'm using it anyway.)

You know, greatness is waiting for each one of us. I don't mean the whole fame and fortune thing. I mean inner greatness, and succeeding at the things that make us happy. I'm excited to be a music teacher, and I'm excited to discover the true depth of my potential. I'm stretching myself pretty crazily right now, but it's going to shape me into what I want and need to be. Thanks for listening, friends. Once again, my post was probably a bit disjointed, but that's all right. Things don't have to be perfect every time, and neither do I. Good luck with everything. I really and sincerely hope that all of you are doing well right now. I think about a lot of you more often than you think.

-Fluffy

(8) Makin' banana pancakes (8)

2008-09-24T22:35:00.003-06:00

So it's pretty late, but I thought I'd hurry and share the funny/sad story of the day. So I'm coming home on TRAX and this lady is talking to me about knitting and stuff, and she was really nice so I thought I'd talk with her. Luckily for me she was great at talking, so I mostly got to listen. So it was getting close to my stop so I thought I'd grab my keys from my backpack so that I could just jump in my car and head home. So I reach into my bag to grab my keys and they weren't there. I thought of three things that could have happened.

1) They fell out of my bag somewhere at school
2) Someone took them because I have a jump drive attached to them
3) I locked them inside of my car.

I was really hoping that the third option was the correct one, but really I was just hoping that they were somewhere in my backpack so I looked again and they still weren't there. As I'm heading out to my car I call my mom and tell her the situation, and she tells me that she's at my sister's parent-teacher conferences so it'll be a while until she can come and let me into my car. When I finally get to my car I look inside and they were definitely still in the ignition and everything. I felt so stupid. So I waited for like twenty minutes, and I called Katie to tell her about how stupid I am, and my mom still wasn't there yet. So i call her up and she tells me that she's just barely leaving the school. So I waited in the TRAX parking lot for about a half an hour until my mom came to save me. Then my mom took me to dinner so I guess it all turned out all right. Anyways, I just thought it was a pretty humerous story. I've locked my keys in my car once before too. Maybe I should be more careful.

Well, I hope that story made you all smile. Stuff's still going pretty well for me lately, and I hope everything is going well for all of you as well. Good luck with everything, and I'm still always here for me. Ahhh the beauty of the cell phone. Have a great night, friends.

-Fluffy

"Oh yeah, it's all comin' together."

2008-09-23T21:37:00.002-06:00

Today was spectacular! I bet you never thought you'd hear me say those words, did you? Well, I'm saying it. Today was a pretty good day for me. Spectacular may be a bit over the top, but just know that it was a good day.

Brass study started out a lot better for me today than usual. We learned some cool technique that actually made me play better, and by playing better I mean hitting the right notes. It was a pretty monumental step in my progression towards being a better trumpet player so I was pretty happy about it.

Musicianship was actually a lot harder for me today, but I still had a pretty good time. Then, after musicianship I went to keyboarding. The most embarrassing thing happened to me. It was hilarious. So, today was grading on a piece we've been working on for a few weeks, so I was pretty nervous. So she came around to me and I played for her and did really well. I think I got an A which is awesome. So she leaves to the next person and I turn on the orchestra setting (my favorite) and I turn up the volume and get ready to play. When we're in that class we have headphones so that only we can hear it except when we grade. So I forgot to switch back the keyboard back to the setting where only I can hear it. Yeah, a kid was definitely testing when I started jamming out on my keyboard. It was really quite embarrassing. He said he did better while I was playing too, but he could have just been trying to be nice. I felt pretty ridiculous, and I'm pretty sure I haven't been that red for years. I laughed it off with Nick later so it wasn't that big of a deal. Just thought I'd share that funny part of my life. It was pretty great.

So then pre-performance vocal was pretty long again, but I like it. We're learning the IPA right now which is actually pretty cool. Then I practiced with my accompanist so we'd both be ready for my lesson on Thursday. It was pretty cool. I like my accompanist a lot, he seems really nice so he'll be easy to work with. We both seem pretty not wanting to hurt the other persons feelings, so it's a pretty good relationship. We'll work well together, I think. Juries are so close and still so far. I'm already nervous for them. Plus I've never had to work this hard on my own pieces outside of lessons before. It's a lot harder when I have to figure out rhythms and notes all by myself. It's fun though, and pretty challenging so I like it.

Then choir was just hard again. We learned a new song for the scholarship concert that I really like, and then we count sang a song that has really hard rhythms. I really need to be better at rhythm. Anyways so when I got home I did some homework and then one of my friends from school came over and we went to Nick's concert together. She's really nice, and I think we'll be good friends. But we'll wait and see what happens.

Nick's concert was awesome by the way.

So yeah, it was a really good day for me. I got in some good practicing, embarrassed myself in front of an entire class, hung out with someone from school, saw a good concert, and finished up my homework. I would definitely call it a productive and worthwhile day. Well, I'm out. Thanks for listening. Sorry if this post was disjointed and jumbled. I hope you're all doing well tonight. If you ever need something, I'm always here. Good night, friends, and good luck with everything. I've overwriting previous comments and instead I'm proclaiming that things are going to be all right. "Oh yeah, it's all comin' together."

-Fluffy

(8) I'm singing in the rain (8)

2008-09-22T22:11:00.003-06:00

Well today should have been more successful that it was. I give it 2 stars out of five. I really can't remember a time when I've had so much self doubt. Maybe I really should take up a hobby or get a job or something. That would probably make me feel better about a few things. But really, deep down, I know that a job wouldn't help me feel better about anything. I just tell myself that the busier I get, the happier I'll be. It's not true. I'm going to have to figure out some way to fix this problem from the inside out.

I'm just going to go to sleep now. That usually makes me feel better about things. Tomorrow's a new day, and I'll try to be happy about it. Thanks for reading. Tomorrow will be accompanied by a better post because the goal for tomorrow is to have a day that equals a good post. Good luck with things friends. Sorry this post is lacking in a lot of areas. I really do hope things are going well for all of you. Have a great night.

-Fluffy

(8) A might change of heart (8)

2008-09-21T21:12:00.002-06:00

So today was a really interesting day for me. First off I would really like to point out that a generous amount of sleep can do wonders for my emotional status. Let's just say that earlier today was really difficult for me. I went to my very first day in the singles ward, and it really was a good experience, and I know that it's the place for me; however, I just couldn't stop feeling terrible. I'm not really sure what it was other than I've been feeling like my life has been a whole lot crappier for me lately. It's been really hard for me to put my self out there because I'm so afraid of something. I'm not really sure what it is that scares me, I just can't seem to allow myself to be myself all the time anymore, and it's been really hard. I'm not sure if I'm scared to let people in because I might get hurt or if I feel like I'm just not good enough, I just don't really know what it is. The singles ward really did help though. It's small which will be really good for me, and the people seem to be really nice. I was always really scared about going to the singles ward because of the stereotypes that go along with singles wards, but it's not like that at all. It seems like most of the people are just there to be in a ward that has other people in it going through the same things they are. I like it because we're not all "students" and it's not as big as the student ward. I was really grateful today that something really felt right. Things haven't really felt right for a really long time, so it was a nice break to feel good about something.

Even though all this stuff seemed to kind of fall into place during the singles ward, I still couldn't help but feel sad. A huge part of it was definitely lack of sleep, and I realized that when I woke up from my nap. I think that another part may have been the fact that this is still a lot of changes to take all at once. It felt like going to a new ward was just another HUGE change, and I'm just not sure that all these changes should really be coming all at once. And I think that the last reason is probably just because things have been hard lately. I really can't remember a time when I've been so unstable. I just feel like every single minute of every day is a potential moment for me to fall apart into a huge mess of emotional instability, and I don't know what to do about it. I think I've cried more in this past month than I have in my whole life. It's just been really really hard.

So funny story. I realized how unstable I really am today in sacrament meeting at my home ward. My sister came in and asked me if I'd done my hair today, and I nearly broke down. It was like she was telling me that I was the worst person she'd ever met in her life. I just couldn't hold myself together, and I literally went into this mini depression for like ten minutes. It was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me. When I was all emotional, I just kept thinking about how ridiculous I was acting. I still can't believe that her telling me my hair wasn't very cute today was that big of a deal to me. If that had happened two months ago I probably would have brushed it off, but a lot has changed in two months. Wow, it kind of hurt to write that sentence. Did anyone else feel the pain in that? Man, I need to get a hobby or something.

So I took a nap today, which was the best and worst decision I've made in a long time. It was the best because, let's be honest, I've been a really emotional person because of my lack of sleep. Things are hard, but adding not enough sleep on top of that is a terrible idea. It was the worst because I missed two really important things to take a nap. I still feel kind of bad about that actually. So yeah, my goal is to attempt to get eight hours of sleep as often as I can. Now that means that I have to go to bed at nine or ten depending on the night. Does that sound like a risky goal that might not come true? You better believe it. But I'm going to do my best to make that one happen because I can't keep feeling like an emotional crazy because I haven't slept enough. So yeah, that's my goal for this evening. Tonight's a ten o clock night, and those nights will definitely be easier than the nine o clock nights.

So moving on from that. I want to tell you about a really cool experience I had today. It even happened before my nap, so you know it has to be good. So background. My mom has a really terrible cold right now, and her favorite dessert is applesauce cake that my grandma makes. So my grandma calls today and tells my mom that she has some applesauce cake, and in the background as I'm washing dishes, I hear something about convincing someone to do something. I immediately assume she's talking about me, and I was definitely right. So my mom asks me to go and get some cake from my grandma's house, and in my emotional state, I don't say anything at the risk of crying, and I head out the door with my sister in tow.

So we get to my grandma's house, and I decide that it would be a good thing for me to go inside because I haven't seen my grandma in quite a while. I was going to send my sister in, but I decided that that wasn't a very good idea. So we go in and sit down and my grandma starts chatting with us. My grandma's a really funny lady, so it was all right. Then we start talking about the things that we get when she dies because my grandma really likes to talk about that for some odd reason. So I tell her about this beautiful glass doll that I really love, and she jokes about how I've wanted that since I was a little girl. It's true. I always have wanted it. So we go into the room to look at some of her glass things in her cabinet and she pulled out her thimble collection. For those of you that don't know, I also have a thimble collection so it was pretty neat to see all of her old thimbles because pretty much all of mine are new ones. I have a few that she gave me a while ago that are old, but not very many. So she starts to show me them, and I realized that I am completely fascinated with these thimbles that my grandma has. I forgot how much I love things like that, and it was really cool to talk with her about my grandpa and all of her thimbles. It was just a cool experience. I just wish that I'd been more awake and happy so I could have enjoyed it more. It was still cool though, and I'm glad it happened. It made my day a little bit better, and I really needed that.

Well, I think I've exhausted my stay on my posting, so I'm going to head out. Note the time. Twenty minutes until bed time. A little less time than I wanted for some scripture study, but it'll have to do for tonight. Good night, friends. I hope everything is going well for all of you. If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I'm terrible at talking on the phone, but I'll do it any day for the people I care about ;)

-Fluffy

(8) The Sound is gone forth (8)

2008-09-20T23:48:00.003-06:00

So today went pretty well, I think. I got up kind of early and went to have some breakfast at Molly's house. Who knew that Honey Bunches of Oats would be the best cereal of my life? It was pretty spectacular, and it was good to see Katie and Molly before they left again. Food and friends. What could be better than that?

After I got home from that I got the wonderful opportunity to mow the lawn. It wasn't really that bad today because it was overcast, so it wasn't hot and stuff. That made it easier for me to not be grumpy about it. Then I did some other random stuff before my concert, so it was a pretty productive day.

My concert was so awesome. The song that we sang with women's choir was different, but I still liked it. After we sang with the women's choir, the women's choir left and the men came and joined us on stage. It was awesome. We had four weeks to prepare and memorize 3 songs, and we rocked it. I'm pretty sure Dr. Allred is a miracle worker or some kind because it was an amazing experience. Doing college choir is so much different from high school choir. Everyone really wants to be here, and everyone is really trying their best. I love it so far.

After we finished I got to go and sit in the audience with my mom and listen to the U singers. Holy mariah they're amazing. They sing beautifully, and I really hope that I can be in that choir some day. They get to go to Europe, and they sing beautifully. It was just spectacular.

So yeah, my day was pretty good today. After the concert I watched a movie with a two girls from school so that was fun. I was somewhat social today :D Five points for me. So yeah, it was a good day.

Well, I'm pretty tired so I'm heading to bed. Have a great night everyone, and I hope that you're all doing well.

-Fluffy

(8) Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh (8)

2008-09-20T00:35:00.003-06:00

I'm super tired tonight, but I though it would be a good idea to post. It'll kind of make up for the day that I missed a few days ago. So I guess you could say this is kind of my last day of blogaday, but I think I'll also try to keep this up. I really like being able to get on the computers at school and just read about everyone's day. It just makes me feel like I'm still a part of all of that awesomeness, and it makes me feel good.

I went to an institute dance today, and that was good and bad. It was good because it was pretty fun and a few friends came with me. It was bad because I'm still really terrible at the whole social thing. Sometimes I just wish that I could be who I am and that people would accept me for it. It's no big deal though, I talked to a few people about it, and I think that a lot of people are going through pretty much the same thing. This is hard, but it'll smooth out eventually. It's just hard right now.

Anyways, today was a pretty good day, I went to school, tutoring, hung out with some friends, went to the homecoming game, tried to meet people unsuccessfully, and now I'm here posting on my blog. It's been a pretty good day. I even had a normal conversation with someone at school. There's a first time for everything.

Well I'm off to bed. I hope you're all having a great night, and I hope things are going well for you all. Good luck with everything you're doing :)

-Fluffy

(8) Oh I love technology... (8)

2008-09-18T12:41:00.004-06:00

So I'm sure you're all dying to know why I didn't post last night. Maybe you're not, either way I'm going to tell you though so here I go. Last night was good and bad. I went to a play at PTC with some friends, their mom's, and my mom. It was actually pretty fun besides that fact that it lasted forever. So moving past that, I got home around 11:30 and went to turn on my computer to post, and it wouldn't work. So I tried it again, and it turned on! So the homepage thing loads and I look down and my internet isn't working. So in my head I'm thinking all sorts of pesimistic things about my stupid computer, and I decide to head upstairs to post from the last resort: my home computer. I get up there and try out the internet, and guess what? It wouldn't work either. Needless to say, I'm pretty upset about it. I was doing so well at the blogaday thing, and all of my dreams were dashed to pieces two days before the last post. Yeah, I'm not too happy about it. That aside, I would like to write down the things I was going to say yesterday. So this post is written today about yesterday with a little bit of today thrown in just to keep things interesting.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I haven't been getting too much sleep these past few days. I've probably been running on an average of 5 hours a night which isn't very good for me, but I'm going to try and fix that tonight. Maybe it'll be easier since I can't get on my computer... :( Anyways, I'm really going to try and stop dwelling on that.

There's some really important stuff that happened to me yesterday. Theory had me REALLY stressed yesterday. We have to turn in these weekly assignments of like 10 papers, and it just stresses me out to finish them all and turn them in, and I usually leave them until the last minute which is bad. So I was pretty stressed about that and being at school until forever. So I was just having kind of a rough day, but I was really looking forward to institute. I always look forward to institute, but I really felt like it was something that I really needed this week. It's just been kind of a rough and stressful week, and I couldn't wait to get to the institute building.

So, I rode TRAX up to the building, and walked in, and I felt so much better almost immediately. It was like I was walking into a safe zone. I just feel like institute is a place where people still care about me and want me to grow and get better. So I went to class and Brother Milburn's powerpoint wouldn't work. So, background on the powerpoint, I think it's great and everything, but I've kind of been missing having discussions about things because we're not focused on something like a powerpoint. That probably doesn't really make sense, but I just really needed something different yesterday, and I got exactly what I needed. I felt so good throughout the whole lesson, and I really gained knowledge on a few things that I've been lacking. It was one of the best classes I've been to. When class was over and I was leaving, I decided to walk back to the music building. I felt so good about things, and I felt like I was seeing things from a whole different perspective. A better perspective than the one I've been having the past few weeks. It was just a feeling like, things are hard right now for a reason, but it's for a reason so it's ok. I just felt really good about the whole experience.

Things are going to be all right. I had a glimpse of sunshine today in my singing lesson. I didn't get much sleep again last night, so I've been pretty tired all day. So I went to my lesson walking rather half-heartedly, and when I got there he greeted me with a smile and asked about my week and everything, and I just felt so good. I really feel like I'm improving just from being with him for a half an hour a week. It's so cool to hear my voice getting more developed and stronger, and for the record I went down to a low C today which is awesome. He told me I'd been holding out on him. It's pretty great. The best part was that he told me that next semester he thinks I should go to an hour long lesson because he thinks I have potential. Hearing that made coming to school worth it today. I love to sing. It's great.

So yeah, sorry that I didn't post yesterday. I really wanted to, and I'm sorry that my computers weren't working. But I'm here again, and things are going all right. Katie and Molly are coming down tomorrow and we're going to party it up at the institute dance so that'll pretty fun. I hope you're all doing really well. This post might not make too much sense, I'm sort of tired. So sorry about that. Have a great day, and I really hope you're all doing well :)

-Fluffy

(8) All in all, I'd rather have detention (8)

2008-09-16T22:21:00.004-06:00

Look at me go. It's 10:30 and I'm nearly done with my homework. I was convinced that it was going to take me a lot longer than this. It only took me around 4-5 hours of study and stuff which is better than I thought it would be with the dreaded theory being the main course of study tonight. I put it off, so it's totally my fault for not being farther along on it. I just hate it so I don't do it. I'm really going to try to be a better student in that class. I have to. It's my hardest class and I'm really struggling in it; however, I recognize that it's definitely my bad on that one. I'll work on it. I won't work on anymore of it tonight, but probably tomorrow or the next day. The plan is to study it sometime before Friday haha

So today was an interesting day. We got homework in musicianship which actually makes me kind of happy. I really like that class so it's kind of fun to do the homework. I just have one of those professors that makes you want to learn whether you really want to learn or not. Her personality is totally contageous, and I'm totally in to what we're doing in there. Pronotation is not for squares, it's for me, and I love it.

Keyboarding is... long. I like it, and I'm doing pretty well, but we have a lot of practice time, and my attention span isn't that great. I'm adjusting though, and I really like playing with the strings 1 setting on the keyboard. The song that I wrote sounds so much cooler played with violins, violas, and cellos. It's great, and that's definitely the best part. The messing around part that is. Oh, and I have that class with Nick. That's fun too.

Pre-Performance vocal was long again. My friend really likes it, but I'm not so sure. It's interesting that's for sure. We're learning about vocal health and stuff which is really interesting, but sometimes the class kind of drags on. It's all right though, we get out early a lot, and I'm hoping there won't really be testing (knock on wood).

I also have brass study on these days hahaha You should see me try to play the trumpet... it is definitely something to see. Other than the flute I've never played a blowing instrument before, so it's really weird to buzz my lips. They get all tingly and weird feeling after class. I CAN make a noise now though which is actually a pretty big improvement for me. I'm even getting most of the notes at this point. Yay me.

My last class today was choir. I'm really liking it, and the lady next to me complimented me today on being all the way memorized. It made me feel pretty good. I wish I could say that I'd worked pretty hard for that, but I didn't go over the music too much. Luckily being in class helps a lot with the whole memorization thing.

Sorry if that was boring. It probably was, and I wasn't really thinking about it being boring. My bad. I'm not really sure what else to write about and I don't really want to drag this out anymore because I feel like you're all sitting through my pre-performance vocal class, and I wouldn't want to place that kind of lengthiness on anyone.

I'm doing well tonight. Today was better than yesterday, but I still wouldn't get it very many stars out of 5. I did get to laugh at some pretty funny dr. allredisms today though. A kid that sits in front of me in choir writes down all the funny things that my choir director says. They were pretty hilarious. I'm trying to remember the funniest one...

I thought of a pretty funny one, but I wish you all knew the guy who says this stuff. I didn't realize he was funny until this kid pointed it out. I'm too terrifed of him to think he's very funny, but he really is. He looked at this kid the other day and said, "Don't choke on your gum." I'm pretty sure he wanted him to... I'm glad that wasn't me.

I'll have to think of some other ones. Maybe I'll start writing some down and post them everyday. Maybe it'll make choir less terrifying. Maybe not. We'll see.

Well, I'm out. This post was kind of wasteful, but I guess it might be cool to hear about how my classes are going and stuff. I guess you guys can decide that one. ;) Well, good night everyone. I hope everything is going well for all of you. Have a spectacular night.

-Fluffy

(8) Love of life means hope for me (8)

2008-09-15T21:31:00.003-06:00

All right, so a few very important things changed for me today. The most important one was choosing a ward. I've been feeling pretty scattered with church lately. I've been going to church every week, but it's been at a different one pretty much every week since school started. It's been hard to find my niche in that part of my life, and so I decided to do something about it today. I'll get to how that turned out later in the post.

Today I went for a run/walk. It was really really great. I just really needed to get out of the house today and forget about school and life in general. I also used this time to think about some things. Oh quick funny story of the day. So I ran by some kid and he did the rock on sign to me. At least I think it was to me, because when I turned around to look at who he was waving at there was no one else there so i just kind of smiled and kept running. It was weird. Anyways, back to the other story. I was really focusing on just clearing out my thoughts, when I started thinking about what ward I wanted to continue to go to. I had three choices: singles ward, home ward, and a student ward. So I was running/walking along wondering in my head about what I was going to do when I really just felt like the singles ward is where I need to be right now. In the student ward I was getting lost. There are tons of students that attend that ward, and I felt really minute and kind of unimportant. I think that it might be a good idea for me to start somewhere where a) I feel relatively comfortable b) it's small enough that I'll be noticed and appreciated and c) somewhere that feels right at this point in my life. I really haven't been to the singles ward since I sang for Savior of the World so I hope I like it, if not I'll just call the bishop and have him transfer my records back somewhere else.

So yeah I prayed about it a bit and read some scriptures and I really feel comfortable with my decision. It'll be different that's for sure, and I'm still not really sure what to do about a few complications with leaving my homeward, but right now I feel like this is what I need to do for myself right now. I need to start breaking away from a few things and start doing a few more things on my own. This is the first step towards that. Next step, moving closer to campus! haha Well, maybe. We'll still take this one step at a time.

I'm not going to lie. As far as today went with improving myself, I get 1 out of 5 stars; however, tomorrow is a new day. I decided after my run that I need to change a few things. I'm working on that a lot. Once I figure out exactly what I'm going to change I'll let you know. I just need to figure out a few things, and tonight was a big step towards that. I found a bit of strength that I didn't know I had before, and I'm going to do my best to pursue that. Tomorrow's a new day and a new chance to do a better job at what I'm supposed to be doing. It'll be a great day, I can feel it.

If you'll glance at the titles that I use, they generally have something to do with the post or something I'm thinking. Some of them really are just random because no song I know applies to what I've written about, but tonight the title means something really special to me. That song line really says a lot about how I feel tonight. I want to do better, and I'm really going to try hard to do that. I want to love life again. I want to wake up and want to go to class because I feel like I have a purpose in being there. Thatcher wrote yesterday about taking this all one day at a time, and I'm going to try that too. I'm going to try and stop focusing on the negative or the things that aren't quite perfect, and I'm going to continue to focus on the good things about myself and my life. There's so much good that I can be doing, and I feel ashamed at all the lost opportunities I've had these past few weeks as I've been focusing on myself a lot. I think I've sort of lost sight of what's really important, and I'm going to do my best to find the important things in my life and hold onto them. School's important and everything, but really there are things that are a lot more important.

So the goal for tomorrow is to try and do my best again. I got pretty good at a few things last year that I've stopped being good at. Like sitting by lonely people and wearing a smile most of the time. I think I lost sight of that for a while. I won't be perfect at this, especially not at first, but I'm going to do my best because it's important to me. It's important to me because I know that doing those things will make me happy in the long run. I'm going to stop wandering through each day, and I'm going to try and live each day with a purpose. It's important to me. And I'm going to do it.

Sorry if this post was lengthy. Have a great night friends. I hope you're all doing well. I really appreciate the support and help you've all given me at various points in my life. Have a great day tomorrow. Tomorrow's another opportunity for greatness.

-Fluffy

Just a glimpse...

2008-09-14T21:46:00.002-06:00

Happy post sixty everyone! I know it's probably not really that cool, but I feel pretty good about it. If I feel awesome about sixty, can you imagine how 100 is going to feel? This is great. So the past two posts were relatively depthless. Not that I don't think they weren't important, but I was in a different place with different people, and the atmostphere of my blogging was a big different than it is when I'm sitting at home posting. When I'm at home and I'm alone, I get to really write what I'm thinking because I'm focused solely on posting. When I'm away it's a bit more difficult to focus on just one thing, so tonight will be a post full of more emotion and depth. That's the plan at least, so we'll see how it goes.

Tonight I might actually be on an emotional overload. I'm sorry if that's weird, but it's true. I'm sort of feeling a lot of things at the same time tonight. I'll try and explain most of them, but a few are just too close to my heart, and those will remain there. So, I'll try and explain to you parts of what I'm feeling and thinking while I'm writing tonight. I'd like to think that I'm pretty honest on this blog, but sometimes there are things that shouldn't be shared with anyone who feels like passing by, and I'm afraid that a lot of the emotions I'm feeling right now fall into that category. So, I'll do my best.

Today I've been feeling really strange about the whole friend thing. I talked to Wilenys about it the whole way home, and can I just say that I'm super grateful for her? She's such a good listener. Anyways, so I was talking to her about leaving everyone again, and I told her that I sometimes feel like I'm the only one who STILL has a hard time with leaving. Poor Katie came in and comforted me today as I cried about leaving and being away again. It's silly, but it's hard for me to visit. It's hard for me to be with people I really care about, have a super awesome time, and then leave again. I'm not saying that I won't do it again, because that's just silly. I loved it way too much to not go back again. In fact, I'm planning to go back in a few weeks, but it's still hard for me. The hardest part is fearing that they'll all move on without me. I even fear that I'll move on too, and that things just won't be the same when I come to visit in like January or February. It just scares me to think that I might lose relationships with people that I really really care about. I'm sorry if I sound desperate or lame, I'm trying really hard not to be either of those things, but I just miss people. I miss being around certain people, and I don't really know what to do about it. Texting and IM is great, but I still miss being with people and laughing with people.

I sound pathetic, but really I'm hurting pretty bad tonight. That's really the whole synopsis of my feelings right now. Pain. I'm happy with how things are going at school and everything, so it's not that I'm not happy. It's just that I'm scared for how other certain relationships might change. I don't want them to change, but even this weekend I felt like a few things were different. It should be different, but it's just hard that it is. I just really don't want to let go.

You know, I do want you to know that I'm happy though. It's not really unhappiness that I'm feeling, I'd probably describe it as pain and anxiety rather than unhappiness. I feel happy about school and stuff. I'm not so happy about church though right now. I love going to church still a lot, but I really need to find a ward to call my own. I need to either stay at my homeward or go to the student ward, and right now I'm still hopping between the two. I think that finding my niche in a ward would really help right now. I'm going to pray about that one this week for sure.

I really hope that everyone is doing well tonight. I hope this post wasn't depressing, because it wasn't meant to be. It was meant to give you a glimpse into the emotions I had today. I'm really doing great here, I'm just struggling with a few things. I know that it'll all work out for the best and that I just need to keep my trust where it should be. I was reminded that quite a few times in church today. Things are going to work out, and things are happening the way they're supposed to. It's just going to be rough for me every once in a while, and that was kind of what today was: rough. I miss all my friends, but I'm so happy that they're doing great things that are making their lives better. Good night everyone, and good luck with everything you're working on and doing. I hope everything works out well for you.

-Fluffy

(8) We didn't start the fire (8)

2008-09-14T00:39:00.003-06:00

So tomorrow will officially be post 60 of my entire blogging career. I'm pretty excited about that. It's really not that many, but for me it's pretty cool. Katie says sixty is an odd number, but what does she know? She doesn't even blog ;) Anyways, today was pretty fantastic.

The very best part of today was playing Twister. I'm not usually much of a Twister player, but I thought it would be really fun to join in on the fun tonight. I definitely wasn't the best, but I gave my all every time which felt spectacular. I'm so sore, but it was some of the best fun that I have had in a long time. I'm a relatively competetive person, so that was really fun to challenge people. I won like once, and that felt pretty good. It was great fun, and I loved it a lot!

The second best part was the farmers market. Katie bought me a peach, and it was one of the greatest peaches I've ever eaten. I think that peaches might very well be my very favorite fruit. Speaking of my favorites, I'm starting to learn that there are a few things that I really like and that I really get into. Emperor's New Groove, Heavyweights, peaches, Cafe Rio, quoting funny movies, basketball, and competition in general. There just all things that really make me happy.

Well, I'm super tired so I'm headed to bed. Good night, friends. I hope everything is going well for you all. Sorry for the substanceless post.

-Fluffy

(8) L is for the way you look at me (8)

2008-09-13T01:10:00.004-06:00

So tonight I'm posting with a very special guest. Her name is Katie, and we're friends. I'm posting from Logan which is super awesome, and we're having a great time. We're going to interview Katie tonight. This'll be fun for me as well as for everyone who gets the opportunity to read this.

Melissa: So Katie, how's college life treating you?

Katie: It's just going so great! I love it here. Classes are great, and people are getting more friendly. Or maybe I'm just getting more social. Either way, it's turning out OK.

Melissa: She's lying. She'll get better at this interview as we get farther into it. For now we'll accept her mediocre replies.

Katie: Ok, first off Melissa is a horrible interviewer. Mediocre my foot! You all must keep in mind that it's like one in the morning and Melissa and I ate an entire pizza all by ourselves tonight. Yeah, it's been intense.

Melissa: So Katie, how many boys have hit on you since you've been away to college?

Katie: What is with everyone assuming that boys hit on me? It's only happened like twice hahaha. This is definitely nothing like high school. Boys ignore me. Next question :)

Melissa: Boys definitely don't ignore her, but that aside, onto the next question. What's been your favorite class so far, and why?

Katie: So many to choose from. Behavior Analysis would have to be my favorite though. Besides the fact that my professor is a hard core behavioralist, obviously, the class is pretty awesome. The other day in class we got into a huge debate. It was the class arguing for free will against Cheney arguing that behavior is based on the reinforcement. It was pretty intense. I love it :) The best part though, is that in a week I get my very own rat. That's right. I get my own lab rat to condition. I'm so excited. And even better, it's not a pigeon. I also love my Developmental Psychology class because the professor is awesome :D

Melissa: I would definitely love my classes more if I was taking care of a pet rat. I can see why you really like that class. OK, so now we're going to feed my ego for a minute. For the final question of the interview we're going to ask Katie a really important question. Katie, what is the best part about having me in Logan with you?

Katie: Well obviously, the best part is me getting to shove an entire piece of pizza in my mouth. Jk, although that was pretty fantastic. The best part about having my best friend back with me is...well that's just it. I have my best friend back with me to be a part of my world for a weekend. Plus it saves me a trip down to Salt Lake ;) For one weekend it feels like nothing has changed. It feels like the world is right and everything is how it should be. "She's fun and you're not. She completes you." Story of my life. So now I can be myself for a weekend and it'll be so great. I love having Melissa here. All those in favor of Melissa moving to Logan? That's what I thought, you should just stay here Melissa.

Katie: So this has been pretty fun. I've never posted on a blog before. It's kinda interesting. I don't ever write for an audience...mostly because I never have anything to say. So Melissa, back to you.

Melissa: Thanks, Katie. I think we all really enjoyed hearing from you about your college experience, and me. haha It's been amazing being here in Logan. I love it a lot, and I'm super happy to be here. This was definitely a different post from the previous ones, but I hope it added a little bit more fun to my blog. Good night, friends. I hope that everything is going really well for all of you, and I hope you enjoyed this post. Good luck with everything.

-Fluffy

(8) If I cut my hair, if I change my clothes, will you notice me? (8)

2008-09-11T22:37:00.004-06:00

OK so today was super awesome. Well, at least the beginning and the end. The middle was filled with some... interesting adventures, but I'll talk about that a little later in the post. Ok, I'll talk about it now because it was the most terrifying thing of my life. I'll try really hard to be kind. So, I had like a four hour break between my last class and my sorority, and that's not enough time to go home and then come back because it's just not worth it. So I decided to ask a few girls from my sorority that are also in the music program what they were doing after the whole class thing, and they told me they were going to IHOP. I thought to myself, self, this will be great. I'll get to know these girls better and I'll eat. It sounded perfect. No, it wasn't perfect. The boy that was driving was crazy. He thought it would be fun to drive 25 mph over the speed limit. So before I go further you have to know that I am an extrememly cautious person. I don't really like to do things that are too exciting unless they're planned, I'm in a weird mood, or they're not really that exciting.

So, moving on with the story. This kid finally gets pulled over by a cop for being an idiot, and the cop asks this kid to get out of his car. Meanwhile, there are four girls in this crappy car on the side of the freeway entrance. So, the cop proceeds to lecture this boy about how driving fast is bad. I really wanted to get out of the car, run to the cop, and hug him. He told him that when there are other people in the car he has more lives that he's responsible for and all that jazz. I was so happy that the cop told him off and gave him a ticket. I felt like he was looking out for me personally which made me feel pretty good inside. Anyways, so then the cop leaves and we leave as well and the kid proceeds to drive slower. I wouldn't say safer, but slower, and I'm still alive. That's the good news of the day.

Then, my sorority was super awesome tonight! Holy mariah I loved it. I really like the president because she's nice to me. I think that I'll really like it there.

So, onto the real subject of tonight. It's something that I was thinking about today that is really frustrating/angering me. So I don't really ever get angry. Well except that one time with Thatcher, and I still feel bad about that, but we won't go into that right now. So, I was thinking today about personal appearances. Now I wrote a post about this kind of a really really really long time ago. I think that it may have been either the very first or one of the very first posts I ever wrote. My opinion about the matter hasn't changed much except that it's gotten more mature, I suppose. So I was just thinking about all this personal appearance stuff and relationships and how you get one and all this mumbo jumbo of random thoughts floating through my head when I honed in on one thing that really irks me. I just wish that we weren't all so caught up in people's personal appearance. I can't say that I'm not, although I would like to think that I'm not "caught up" in it; however, I do notice it.

As i was thinking about this today I wondered why we all care so much about the way that we look and the way that other people look as well. Sometimes I just think that it's silly that we base so much of who people are based on what we see on the outside of people. All of these thoughts lead me to think about myself and where I fit into this whole beautifulness stuff. I guess that I think that I'm somewhat attractive. I am by no means a gorgeous person, but I think that I'm relatively average which is all right with me. I'm happy with myself the way I am. There are things that I would change if I could, but there are a lot of things that I wouldn't change because I like myself the way that I am. The thing that gets me so frustrated is when I feel like other people want me to change or make me feel like I need to change. The people that I'm talking about can be a number of things like the media, peers, parents etc. There are a lot of outside influences trying to get us to think about ourselves in a certain way and what we should look like to be accepted in society as a beautiful person. I just wish that it didn't matter so much. That's probably why my favorite scripture mastry from last year was 1 Samuel 16: 7. It just makes me happier inside to know that someone can look past all of the imperfections and into the most important part of people. Because as much as the world might try and convince all of us that the most important part is the outer, I know that the very most important part is the inner, what we're really made of, stuff.

I guess I just hope that someday, in the future, I'll meet someone who will look past my outer stuff and into the part of me that's actually worth something, or, more importantly, someone who will love both parts of me. Until then, I'll just keep working on improving and loving myself. I know I'm not perfect, but I keep pressing forward. Some days are more successful than others, but that's OK. As long as I'm trying my best to improve, improve, improve, then I'm doing what I know is right, and I think that knowing and implementing all of that into my life is and should be a lot more important than the headband I wear or the golden ratio of my face.

I don't know, this is just something that's really been bothering me lately. It's just sad that we base so much of our opinions of people on what they are on the outside. I realize that the outer is important for a number of reasons, I just think that we sometimes get way too wrapped up in that side of attraction and/or judgement or others.

Sorry if this was a weird topic of discussion. It was just really bothering me today; however, I'm still doing great. :) I didn't die today, which was definitely a plus, and tomorrow is the big day. I hope you're all doing well. Sweet dreams.

-Fluffy

(8) How lovely are the messengers (8)

2008-09-10T23:47:00.004-06:00

So the sad story of the day is that a lot of my awesome goals went out the window today. As you can see it's nearly midnight. My goal for Monday and Wednesday is to be in bed as close to nine as possible, and let's be honest, it's totally my fault that i'm up this late. I chose to hang out with Alan and to stay up later. I'll pay for it tomorrow that's for sure.

Today was a pretty good day though! I talked (like had a real conversation) with some of my new friends which was excellent. I'm starting to kind of find my niche in this whole college world. I guess that it's a little bit easier for me because I have so many classes with the same people both days. The music program is pretty small, and my biggest class, other than choir, is capped at about thirty people. Heck, my college classes are smaller than most of my high school classes were. So it's pretty nice and I like it a lot. Well, except theory, but maybe it will grow on me. We'll see.

Well the new goal for tonight is to be in bed by midnight. There are a lot of thoughts in my mind right now, but I think I'll leave them for later or never we'll see what happens.

have a great night everyone. I hope that everything is going well for you all. I only have a few more days until I get to visit some pretty important people. I pretty much can't even wait. Good luck, friends. Everything is going to work out. I can feel it.

-Fluffy

(8) It's love we're dreaming of (8)

2008-09-09T21:48:00.003-06:00

So, this post has to be relatively short. The goal of the night is to be in bed as close to ten o clock as possible. It's 9:49 right now so I have eleven minutes to write down all the thought I had today. So very first I just want to comment on music theory. Nick was my lifesaver today. Officially. He helped me with a lot of confusing theory stuff which was awesome because I'm not very good at theory yet. I'll get better...hopefully. That's the plan anyway. So yeah, theory class is the worse, but I really like my other classes, and today was a pretty good day. :)

I think that my very favorite class is musicianship right now. It's still pretty basic, but I love hearing things and trying to find out the tonic note and the solfege for it. It's just cool and fun to figure out. I'm actually relatively good at it which makes me feel pretty good. Someone made fun of my G Clef though... hmmmm other than that it was a great class. :) I also fixed my trumpet and so brass study was a lot better. I played notes today, and that was my greatest improvement thus far. Yay me!

I just erased two big paragraphs of stuff. It was about stuff that doesn't really fit tonight, but maybe I'll bring it up again in a different post. Probably not. I'm sorry that this post is lacking substance. Blogging is interesting. There are some things that I think during the day that I might write in a journal, but I wouldn't ever write it down here. It's not that it's bad or anything, it's just stuff that is too fragile. Fragile? I don't know. Maybe it's more that I'm too afraid to put some thoughts out there that are special to me. Parrish did always tell me that I was too worried about my audience, I think I'm getting better at that though. I'm better at free writing because of this blog. I'm still not wonderful, but any step forward is progress.

I'm over by two minutes, but that's all right. Good night, friends. Once again, sorry for the weird post tonight. I had more thoughts, but my self-consciousness and the life-sucking theory took it out of me. Have a great night! I hope all is well for you :) Things are going well here :)

(8) To Become Like Him (8)

2008-09-08T21:07:00.003-06:00

Well here I am again :) Today went pretty well. I sat by a few new friends on TRAX today which felt pretty good even thought I only said like two words the whole time. It was still nice to be with people. I really did enjoy today. Music theory will be the downfall of me, but Nick said that he would help me with it which will be awesome.

Sorry it's such a short post, I'm pretty tired. It was a really good day though. One thought before I leave. I really appreciate the way that music affects people. I'm listening to some pretty inspiring music right now and it just makes me feel good. Music has some serious power attached to it, and I think that's what I love about it the most. It can be so beautiful. It's like music is a way of expressing emotions and feelings that you wouldn't normally say out loud. It's almost as if music is permission to be completely serious for a moment. Of course there's music that is fun and funny, but right now I'm really appreciating the music that gives that short glimpse into universal human feelings that are generally kept secret from other people. Most of us don't go around professing our undying love for another person, but when it's said in song it's generally accepted. I like that. I'm not really great at expressing exactly how I feel, but music is a way around that. There are a lot of other great things about music, but that's the one I've been thinking about today.

Have a great night friends. I hope you're all doing really well :)

-Fluffy

(8) Faith to find the answers (8)

2008-09-07T21:20:00.003-06:00

So I have a feeling that this post is going to turn out differently than I've been planning it to turn out. Part of me feels really introspective tonight; however, I'm not really sure how to describe how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking about tonight, so I'll do the best I can.

I'm going to start off with an experience that I had today. Today was fast and testimony meeting, and I generally really like the first Sunday of the month for that reason. I think that a lot can be learned when people get up and tell others what they know to be true, and so I really like listening. Today was an exceptionally good testimony meeting, and I was feeling pretty good about everything. Then, my old young women's leader got up to bear her testimony, and she told everyone that she and her husband are moving. I'm pretty sad that she's moving, but as soon as she said it I had a really sad thought. I just couldn't stop thinking that everyone that I care about is leaving me. I know that it's all for a good reason, because, like I've said before, I believe that everything happens for a reason; but it was still just a really sad thought. I know that everything will turn out all right, and I'm not worried about that, but sometimes I just wish that more than my family and two friends weren't going to leave me for an extended amount of time.

Don't worry, the story gets better from here. I was sitting here right before I wrote this post and I came across a quote that someone really important to me said. It was about how everything will work out in the end even when it seems like it won't, and all that is required is a little bit of faith and patience. The hardest part for me on that is definitely the patience. I'm working on that though. I'm learning that it's better for me to take things one step at a time, and that all I need to do is my very best. I've gone from the point of trying to be the best to what James described as being my best. I think that's pretty important for me right now. There's quite a few things that I could be doing better, and I'm just not. But if I'm constantly moving forward and not backward then I know that I'm accomplishing something. It might not be a great something, but it's still me moving forward, and that's what I'm trying to do right now. I'm trying to make small but good improvements for myself and my situation. I'm not perfect at that yet. There are so many days that I come home from school and would much rather put on some crazy awesome Iron Chef instead of doing my homework, but I'm trying to do the things that are important and good.

You know, another thing I've been working on is being better for myself. I think that a lot of the things that I do are because I want other people to think something good about me. It's been really important to me lately to figure out the things that I want and to work on being better for me. College people don't much care about my success, so I guess I have to work on being successful for myself. Anyways, I don't want to talk about that anymore.

I'm feeling happy today. Sort of. I feel more stressed/content/unsure/hopeful/heartacheish. It's kind of a weird night for the whole feelings thing. I feel like things are just different, and they are so I guess that it's ok to feel that way, but things are just different. People are moving on, and I'm trying to move on too. I'm trying to look at things more positively so that I feel better about things. I've heard more than once that you get to choose if you're happy or not, and so I'm really trying to choose to be happy no matter what the situation is.

It's all working out. It's still difficult, probably more for me than for some other stronger people, but I'm trying to do my best. I hope you're all doing well and that things are going really well for you. I really care about a lot of you, and I hope you know that I'm always here if you need someone. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(side note added 20 minutes later) Some days I really miss my friends. Like today. :'(

(8) What I like about you (8)

2008-09-07T01:00:00.002-06:00

So the first item of business for today is that I think it's really great when people post comments on things that I write. So thanks to everyone who's taking to the time to read this and/or comment. It really means a lot to me. I didn't even know I had four readers ;) Anyways, this weekend has been great. Has it been productive? Not at all. Has it been super awesome? For sure. I've spent a lot of time with some really great people, and it was really fun to be able to spend so much time with them this weekend.

Katie and Molly surprised me by secretely coming home this weekend and hiding in my house. It was pretty exciting, but let's be honest, I totally knew Katie was coming. How did I know? Because Katie texted me Friday and said so what are you doing after school? What are you doing after tutoring? What time will you be home? These questions all lead me to believe that she would be coming home or the weekend; however, Molly was definitely quite a bit sneakier than Katie. I really thought Molly was staying in Logan for the weekend. So, needless to say, I was super excited when I got home and saw some awesome people waiting for me.

So the unproductive part of this weekend has been the nonhomework part of my weekend. While I was with some people tonight, I realized that I have a test on Monday on 9 statements I'm supposed to have memorized word for word. I've had the assignment for like a week, but I haven't taken the time to study them yet. I really hope that I'll be able to get it all memorized for Monday. I did fix my trumpet today though! I thought that I was just the worst trumpet player in the world, but it turns out that I didn't fit the keys in the right way so it wasn't working. That means I won't be holding the class back anymore, and that is a spectacular feeling.

So today I went to this sorority breakfast at the institute, and it actually went a lot better than I expected it to. I was paired with a really nice guy that was pretty nerdy, so that went well for me. We talked a little about music, calculus, and some engineering stuff. It was pretty cool. We also made a napkin card because everyone stole all the real paper. So it turned into being an activity that I didn't perceive to be awful, and so that was pretty great. I felt pretty good about it. I'm still not sure how the real sorority part will work out, but the breakfast was fun and tasty so I'm sure everything else will work out too.

Well, I have church pretty early tomorrow, so I'm out. It was nice to write a post on a night that I feel pretty good. I'm still worried about some things, but I know it'll all work out well. Well, good night, friends. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. I'll miss everyone who's leaving me again, but I'll come visit super soon :D Have a great night!

(8) I turn my gaze toward the morning sun (8)

2008-09-05T09:33:00.002-06:00

So, I am once again posting from the University. I think it's probably best for today because I have a lot that I want to write about, but when I get home and it's late, I never do it. So first awesome thought of the day. Some of my friends are coming home this weekend!!! You have no idea how happy I am to be able to see them for a little while. I mean, I'm going up next weekend, but seeing them a two weekends in a row is like eating ice cream twice a week. Once is great, but getting to look forward to another ice cream day is just so much cooler. That might not have made any sense, but it made sense it my head.

Second news of the day is that I just got done performing for my music ed class. I'm not going to lie, it was one of the scariest things that I have ever done. We had to choose 45 seconds from a piece that we've been preparing and sing or play it for the class. I chose Into the Night by Clara Edwards. I really love that piece, but let's be honest the acoustics in classrooms sucks. I felt like I was singing like a little mouse. That could be attributed to the accoustics as well as the continual shaking of every part of my body. So really I just exagerated a lot. It wasn't as bad as I'm making it sound, but I still wasn't proud of what I did. I had this huge plan to just be great and do my best, and I felt like I didn't show them what I can really do. I've felt like that a lot lately.

On TRAX today I thought about what I would say when people asked why I was all dressed up. I decided that I would tell them that I had a performance, and then they would proceed to ask me how it went. I decided I would tell them I'm ready to change majors. I'm not really, but sometimes I just feel kind of inadequate here. I feel like there are all these awesome, amazing singers that could sing circles around me, and I'm just some random girl who thinks this is what she wants to do with the rest of her life. I mean really college is going great. I'm making new friends that are pretty awesome, and I'm starting to adjust to all this craziness. I really like my musicianship class. I'm getting pretty good at hearing pitches and knowing where they fit into the scale, and I'm starting to learn cool words like tonic and leading tone. I just need to adjust still.

I think that the sorority thing killed my spirit last night. I'm pretty sure that I'm one of those people that just needs to not ever have to meet new people. I know that's not possible, but I'm pretty sure that I'm bad at it. It was all right, and they gave us food. I would say free food, but that's a lie because I had to pay to get in, but it was worth it. I hope. Alan made me feel better though. He watched some crazy awesome iron chef with me when I got home, and since that's my favorite show in the whole world, I was bound to feel better.

Next item of business. I did something this week that I really don't do. I quit something before I even tried it. I was going to join the institute choir, but I decided that staying until 9 two nights a week was just ridiculous. My mom made me feel bad by asking me how I would feel if they sang in general conference, and I would feel pretty bad if that happened actually; however, I still feel like that's not the choir for me and that I'll be better off as a person and a student if I take this first semester a little slower than I planned. I tend to be a bit overly ambitious when it comes to what I can really handle without getting stressed beyond reason. So, it was a good decision in the end, but it's definitely not something I do very well. I tend to do things whether I have time for them or not, so it's weird to start narrowing down my schedule to things that I really want to do. I feel good about it though, so that's good, I guess.

So yeah, life is pretty good. My friends are coming home this weekend, I'm going to see my friends next weekend, sorority will... get better, I'll be home around five every night but one, and I'm making new friends. I'm doing well, and this second week has definitely been better than the first week could ever have hoped to be. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. To those that are coming home this weekend, yay! I can't even wait to see you! So have a great day, friends. I hope you know how important all of you still are to me.

-Fluffy

(8) Do a deer, a female deer. (8)

2008-09-04T23:23:00.001-06:00

Well, the plan for tonight was to talk about my sorority experience, but I have an early class again tomorrow, and I'm performing in it, and it's already really late for me to be up. So, the moral of the story is that plans have changed. College has taught me to be flexible, so that's what I'm doing. I'll tell you all about my experience tomorrow night. I'm sorry that I'm such a slacker on this blogaday thing. I apologize.

So, I hope that you're all doing well, and I will sincerely try to make tomorrow's post worth the trip to my page. Have a great night, friends. Good luck with everything!

-Fluffy

(8) I'l make a man out of you (8)

2008-09-03T20:59:00.002-06:00

So, this post is going to be completely bogus and short. I'm really sorry about that. I feel bad that it's that way, but let's get serious. I feel like I got hit by a train. Ok so not really, but I'm exhausted. I can't be at school as long as I've been at school these past two days. It's killing me. I keep having to dig deep inside myself to find some energy. I don't think there's any left. I was going to write a clever poem, but I'm too tired to find the desire to do that. I'm sorry this post is lame.

I hope you're all doing well. I'm going to try harder to follow the title of my post ;) Good night friends.

-Fluffy

Who would have thought?

2008-09-02T23:55:00.002-06:00

So, it's super late so this post will be super short. I just really wanted to check in before I went to bed. I was at school from 7:30 this morning until 8:30 tonight. It was a really long day, but it was really quite enjoyable at the same time. My classes were pretty fun today and I got to hang out with a new friend for a bit. So it was really a pretty good day.

The best story of the day is that I joined the LDS sorority. It sounds like something I would never do, but I can't even wait. I'm doing it so that I'll be able to make some friends that I have a lot in common with, so I'm pretty excited about it. Anyways, sorry it's so short. I have early class again tomorrow.

Good night friends. I hope that everything is going well for all of you. I'm doing all riht down here. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to or vent to. :) Have a great day tomorrow!

-Fluffy

(8) Fast Cars and Freedom (8)

2008-09-01T21:16:00.003-06:00

So today was a very significant day. I'm going to be honest and tell you that I woke up this morning feeling really quite depressed again. It's lame, but I've been feeling that way quite a bit lately. I just have really been feeling low on myself and my whole situation; however, the day turned out quite differently than I thought it would.

I got to spend some time with some people that are really special to me. They hung out with me because I practically begged them, but it was still really nice of them. As I was spending time with them today, I really started to feel happy again. I'm not saying that the past week or so has been filled with 100% unhappiness, because it definitely hasn't. I probably wouldn't even say that 25% of my time has been unhappy. It's just that when my unhappiness reaches above about 10% I don't know what to do. I'm really used to being relatively happy most of the time. So anyways, the point to all of this is that today I decided to set some goals for myself.

I decided today that it was time for me to stop surviving through my days and to start living them instead. There are going to be a few positive changes in my life. I figure that starting out college is a good time to start improving myself too. I think that I kind of lost sight of what I want to be, and I'm ready to get back on that. School is important, but it's so much more important for me to develop the other sides of myself. I know that everything isn't going to go perfect, but it's going to get better. I have faith that it will. My aunt told me that it really might not get better, but I know that it will. I know that someone is watching out for me, and that He's guiding my life so that I can have the best opportunities to grow. That's how I'm looking at this new experience from now on- an opportunity to stretch myself and to grow as a person. This doesn't mean that it'll be easy, but will it be worth it? You better believe it'll be worth it.

So the moral of the story tonight is that I made some pretty sweet goals for myself. They're things that I'm really excited about accomplishing, and I'm ready to face the things that life is throwing at me right now. I can't promise that I won't get down on myself again, but I'm going to do all that I can to make those sad times fewer and fewer as I get better at doing my very best all the time. I feel strengthened tonight. I know that things are going to work out, and I know that I'm going through all of this for a reason. I'm one of those people that believes that everything is for a reason. I don't always know the reason, and honestly, I usually really wish I did know the reason, but I know it's all for a reason.

Sorry about all the errors in this post. I got really caught up in what I was writing. Thanks for listening friends, and I hope you're all doing well. It's all going to turn out all right. It'll probably even be better than all right. I'm shooting for spectacular tonight.

-Fluffy

(8) All by myself (8)

2008-08-31T23:39:00.002-06:00

I don't really have too much to say tonight. It was a relatively uneventful day. I suppose that it's probably my fault that a lot of my days are uneventful lately. Maybe I need to do something fun and exciting tomorrow. We'll see what happens. It's kind of late, and I'm really quite tired, but I really wanted to check in and let everyone know that things are going all right.

I got to hang out with my uncle tonight. I haven't done that for a really long time, and I've really missed him. He actually, in his humorous way, made me feel a little better about stuff. He doesn't know that he helped, but he did. I appreciate when things like that happen. He's one of those people that I really care about, and I know that he cares about me too.

Anyways, I really just don't know what to write about tonight, so I'm headed to bed. Have a great night everyone. For my far away friends, I miss you. For my close friends, I hope everything is going well. Good night.

-Fluffy

(8) I'm that little bit of hope when you're back's against the ropes. (8)

2008-08-31T00:26:00.003-06:00

So tonight I think that I might focus my entry on some more serious stuff. Not stuff that is too serious. haha Just stuff that I think is kind of important to talk about. So the whole point to this preface is to make you not freaked out by my seriousness. So, here I go.

Today I thought a lot about kindness and what it means to be kind. I have actually been thinking about this a lot lately because I've had a lot of time to observe people doing kind things while I have no one to talk to on campus. I just get so happy when I see people being kind to other people because we all have things that we struggle with, and it would be such a nicer world to live in if we could all be looking out for the people around us. I can't say that this past week has been filled with me giving a lot of kindness, but I have sure received a lot of it. I was sitting alone at lunch the other day, and a girl that I met came and sat with me and we ate lunch together. It was just something small, but it really did mean something to me. It made me feel like I was worth someone else's time. I think that's kind of what it boils down to. When we do something kind for someone else, it's almost like we're telling them that they're worth something to us.

I was riding trax on Friday and I looked over at this kid and he asked the three girls standing around him if one of them would like to have his seat. It was something simple, but it was so respectful and kind. It was probably not a huge deal to him, but it really meant something to me. There are so many terrible things going on in this world, and I'm just so grateful that there are still people who genuinely care about other people.

I just really appreciate good things that people do for other people. Sometimes when I watch the news I get conned into believing that everything around me is falling to pieces. But when I go out into the world and watch what other people are doing, I feel better. When I see someone offer their seat to someone else or help a sweet blind person find a chair safely I just feel good about things. Things are going to turn out all right. The bad will get worse, but I think that the good will also get better.

Anyways, I'm really going to try and work on being kinder to others. I'd like to think that most people are doing their best at this whole life thing, and I'd really like to be someone that tries to make it a little easier for the people I meet. Life's hard enough, and I think it's great when I see people trying to make it easier for other individuals.

Anyways, good night friends. Keep doing what you're doing. I'm sure that you're all people who are receivers and givers of kindness. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) I can show you the world (8)

2008-08-29T12:33:00.002-06:00

So, I'm actually on campus right now. I thought it would be kind of fun to post from the actual University for one of my blogadays. I have a bit of a break between my last class and acappella on Monday, Wednesdays, and Fridays, so I figured now would be a pretty good time to write something. One item of business before I get started. I'm typing on the biggest mac I have ever seen. I left my laptop at home today because I'm leaving somewhere right after school and didn't want to leave it in the car, so I figured today was a good day to use the music library computers. They sure are interesting.

So good things and bad things have happened today, but I feel about three billion times better today than I did yesterday. Strange how that works isn't it? Anyways, more about that later in the post. First, the bad. So, I went on TRAX like I do every morning but this stupid train said it was going to somewhere other than the University so I didn't get on it. Stupid train. It was definitely going to the University. So what happened? I was five minutes late to my first class. I felt so stupid. Anyways, I just had to move on from that one and not stress about it. Riding TRAX is an interesting experience all in itself. I have to time it just right or I won't be on time which is really new for me. Anyways, I'll have to work on being better at that riding TRAX thing.

So about my day being better. I just feel better. I know that it's probably only a temporary thing, but I really finally felt like myself today. Stuff is still all weird, but I talked to a few people as myself. It wasn't the self that I am when I'm all nervous and scared. It was just me, and they seemed all right with that. Yesterday I felt ready to transfer schools, but today I feel like it'll be all right. It wasn't a perfect day by any means, but it was more successful than yesterday. Plus, it's finally the weekend. I have choir left, but really that doesn't count. My first week of school was officially over around 11:35 or so. I didn't die. I did all right.

Lately when I've been getting down on myself, I've tried to focus more on helping other people. How is that working? Not so well. I'm trying to implement the whole sitting by lonely people, but seriously, everyone is alone here. There's a whole hill full of them. haha Anyways, I'm working on being better on not focusing on me and only me. I think that that's something that will really help me make friends and stay happier. Obviously yesterday wasn't focused on anyone else, but today I'll do better. That's the constant struggle- making every day better than the last.

I just thought you'd all like to know that I'm surviving ;) Sorry and thank you to those of you that helped me through my private pity party yesterday. I appreciate you all. Good luck with stuff, and adios from the University.

-Fluffy

2008-08-28T21:53:00.003-06:00

Well... I feel pretty awful, so I drew a picture of things that I love so that i would feel better. it's just off of paint, so I realize that it's terrible. It did make me feel better though, so it was worth it.

This isn't all of my favorites of course. I wanted to put music up there for sure, but I figured I already had it as my picture on my profile. Anyways, thanks to everyone who's been an awesome friend to me lately. I sure need it right now. Good luck to everyone.

-Fluffy

(8) Feels Like Today (8)

2008-08-27T22:03:00.002-06:00

You know, I might have used this title already too. Maybe I should listen to some new songs so that I have more titles to pick from... we'll see how that goes. So today started out well, turned bad, and then got awesome. It was kind of an odd day. I think that these days in school will be harder for me because I have longer breaks. I still have no friends, and so these breaks feel like years. It's OK though, I'm sure that it will get better.

The very best thing about today was definitely institute. I loved it! I'm so excited to have this New Testament class. For reals, it's amazing. There's only like 10 people in the class that I'm taking, but I love it. I'm really thinking about joining the sorority, but we'll see what happens.

I only felt like crying three times today, and that's just because I was feeling all sad for myself. I got over that pretty quickly and tried to make new friends, so that was fun and hard. I think that the most important things for me to do are to go into each day with a positive attitude and to smile as much as possible. When I smile I don't get too up tight and worried, so I think smiling is good for me when I get stressed out. Anyways, I'm super tired and I have early class tomorrow. Have a great night, friends. I miss you all. Good luck with school.

-Fluffy

(8) It feels like today (8)

2008-08-26T21:39:00.003-06:00

Today was my second day of school. You might be wondering how it went, or I guess you might not be wondering how it went. Either way I'm going to tell you how it went. It was a lot better today. I felt more comfortable so that was good. I'm not saying that I'm completely adjusted or anything. If I said that, I would most definitely be lying to all of you; however, it was better. I felt better about the whole experience.

Story of the day! I got a new trumpet for myself. Well, I didn't get it for myself. It's for my brass study class! I get to learn how to play the trumpet, and then later in the semester I get to learn how to play the French horn! Is that the coolest thing you've ever heard? Because it's definitely one of the coolest things I've ever done. I even get a cute little locker to put it in. I know, it's cool. I'm sure I look super cool carrying it around campus too... ;) Anyways, that was definitely the coolest thing that happened today.

I have another story of the day! My musicianship class is really cool so far. Today we learned about the sulfage (I may have spelled that wrong...) system (do re mi etc.) and then we sang for a bit. It was really cool, and I liked it a lot. It's going to be one of my more difficult courses, but I think that I'll really enjoy musicianship. So I have officially visited all of my classes but my choir now. YAY!

You know, I'm not trying to steel Thatcher's topic, because I wouldn't want to do that; however, I thought a lot about what he said about his friends and things. I have a lot of time to think while I'm by myself on campus. Anyways, I've met some cool people, but really I can't see how it will turn into solid friendships. It's silly, because I know that some of them are bound to, but I can't picture any of them going that way. I just feel so alone right now on campus, I can't imagine walking with people and feeling as comfortable with them as I do with friends I already have. Sometimes I picture myself as being someone who you like after you get to know. It's not a bad thing, but it sometimes means that it takes me a little while longer to make good friends. But I'd like to think that once I do make friends, I'm pretty good at keeping them. I just think that making friends in college might take me a little while longer than it might take other people. It's not a big deal, but I hope that I'll be able to find people that I'll create good friendships with. I hope I'll find a few people that really care about me. I know that there are a lot of people that care about me, but when I'm at the campus all alone feeling a big lonely, it's hard to remember that.

I'm sure that everything will work out just fine. Today was an improvement from yesterday, and I'm sure that tomorrow will be an improvement from today. Well, I'm out friends. I hope you're all doing well. I miss you all terribly.

-Fluffy

(8) You are the New Day (8)

2008-08-25T21:44:00.003-06:00

I feel like I've used that title before... hmmmm. I'm terribly sorry if I have used that title before. Anyways, today was my very first day of school. How did it go? I give it a 6 out of 10 as far as first days go. That may seem kind of low, but if you'd seen me last night, a 6 is generous.

I met a few new people which was great news. There's one girl that I have every single class with but one, so that's good news. She's super nice and I think we could probably be pretty good friends. All in all it was a pretty good first day of college. Tomorrow is definitely my more difficult day, so we'll see how I hold up after that one.

You know, I'm just not really very good at dealing with new things. I'm not very good at dealing with stress either, and new things are kind of stressful for me. It's kind of a double whammy. I really am doing fine, but still it's hard for me to adjust to. It's hard to feel alone so often, it's hard to make new friends, it's hard to grow up ;) I'm doing it, but it's hard. I know that it will get easier after a few days or weeks, but right now it's hard.

I did make the aCapella choir though! That was really awesome. The auditions was super scary and super hard, but I made it. I start on Wednesday. That was definitely the good news of the day. The bad news is that my card won't work for all the practice rooms- go figure. Oh, sorry that the bad news was last, I don't generally like it that way. Anyways, all in all it was a good day. It's hard to get used to, but it was good. I still miss having a few people around, but that's life I guess. I'm learning to take it in stride.

Good night friends. I hope that everyone else had good first days too. Good luck with everything that you're doing. And to those of you who seem to be millions of miles away from me, I miss you and wish you the best.

-Fluffy

um...yeah...

2008-08-24T22:54:00.002-06:00

OK, so I feel super duper stressed right now, so I'm not really going to post. I might be back if I can't sleep. I feel completely overwhelmed right now. And for those of you that were rooting for me, I didn't pass my theory test. It's not that big of a deal, but still. Anyways, I just feel... awful. I'll let you know how school goes tomorrow.

So for now, I wish you all luck tomorrow. I think I might count how many times I feel like crying tomorrow. Maybe it'll be better than I think it will... I just need some sleep. see ya later. Peace and love friends.

-Fluffy

Emotional Graph

2008-08-23T22:35:00.003-06:00

So for the past few days I've been making a graph in my head about how I feel about going to school. I decided that today was somewhere in the middle of terrified and excited. I'm happy to say that I haven't been to either extreme yet. I haven't been completely terrified or completely excited to start school. I was going to draw a graph in paint, but I didn't. Maybe I'll do that for my next post. So, instead of showing you a graph, I'll just put it on a scale of 1-10 for now. This method definitely isn't as affective, but it'll suffice. 1 is toward the terrified/sad side and 10 is excited.

So, the day that everyone left I was at about a 2. That was a pretty rough day on the going to school scale. The day after I was feeling a lot better. I would probably place me emotions for day 2 at about a 7 or so. I wasn't completely over being terrified or completely over the fact that I had no friends, but I was happy about it. My feelings went up and down for a few days and then Friday when I took the theory test and found out that I no longer had a class with Alan, I was back down to a 3 or 4. Today I feel a bit higher, but still kind of in the middle. I'm not really terrified anymore. I feel like I got past that part when I met new people at the theory test. I think that proved to myself that I can do this. Althought, riding TRAX could scare the pants off of anyone, but that's another story for another day. ;) Anyways, I'm excited though. I think that terrified has turned into nervousness, and so I feel excited and nervous about starting school. Actually, the more I think about it right now, the better I feel. I know that it's right for me, so I'm ready. I think... haha. I'll let you know how I feel in about a day or two.

It's really interesting to evaluate my emotions on a certain subject. I just think it's funny to see how different days make me feel differet ways. I guess that's one thing that I really appreciate about this blog. I get to take some time at the end of the day and evaluate how I felt about things. I definitely don't write about everything that I feel and think, but it's good to be able to write about a few things. Sometimes, I really don't want to write because I feel like I have nothing wrothwhile to say, which may or may not be true, but I still feel better about the way things went when I sit down and evaluate it. It's nice to take some time and write about my day. It's not always interesting, but it's still always me.

Well good night friends. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) You're gonna want this back (8)

2008-08-22T23:43:00.003-06:00

This post is going to be relatively short. Today was my test, and it went pretty well. Aside from being stressed about the test, I was also pretty stressed about meeting new people. I just haven't ever really thought of myself as being someone who was very good at meeting new people, but I wasn't entirely correct. I did meet a few new people, and I felt pretty good about it. I was surprised by how well I could carry on a conversation with two of them in particular. I think that most of the people are looking for friends just like me, so it felt good to be able to talk to a few people. One girl even spiratically hugged me because she was so glad that she found someone else who was going into music education. That was the funniest thing of the day. That and watching Nick sing the fight song with the marching band. So good.

So, I think that I'll be all right. It'll still be hard for the first little while because it's so new, but today made me feel better about it. Kind of... I know that I'll be ok now, so that's good news. Anyways, I'm fading fast, so I'll let you know how tomorrow goes. Good night friends. I hope things are going well for all of you.

-Fluffy

2008-08-22T00:52:00.002-06:00

Wow, three days in a row. That's a new record for me. It's a pathetic record, but a record nonetheless. This will probably be a relatively short post tonight. I have a theory test pretty early tomorrow morning. Like I said before, it's just placement, but I'm still worried. A few friends came over today to hang out and watch a movie, and that was nice. Tyrel was there and he helped me with some theory stuff which I appreciated greatly! It was really nice of him to sit down and answer some of the questions that I had. It really made me feel a lot better about taking the test.

So yeah, today was pretty eventless. I did go and see Brother Coleman today. He also made me feel a lot better about things. I really miss seeing him all the time. I think that the thing that I love about him the most is that he genuinely cares for people. I want to try and be more like that. I want to be someone that everyone loves because they feel important every time they talk to me. Brother coleman just genuinely cares about people. That's definitely something that I really admire about him.

So the reason I went to go and see Brother coleman was to get some pictures from seminary. It was so cool! I think I got like 150 pictures from the school year including both pass the bucks. You know, I said that I've never really been into scrapbooking, but I think that I'm starting to get into pictures and slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow on my new laptop. It's so fun! I got like 1300 pictures from some CD's Molly let me put on my computer. It's crazy, and they're all madrigal pictures.

So I'm definitely making two slideshows. I'm making a madrigal slideshow- it's super awesome, and then I think that I'll make a slideshow of the rest of my life as a senior. I'll probably try and bring a copy of the madrigal one to Molly so she can see it, and a few other people will probably want to watch it as well. I'm pretty excited about it, and it's something that I really enjoy. So, I may not be a scrapbooking type girl, but I can still be a memory preserving type girl. :D

Anyways, I've got that early test and I wrote for a lot longer than I expected to. Good night to everyone. I still miss my far away friends, so I hope that everything is going well with you all. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. Good luck friends.

-Fluffy

(8) Days go by (8)

2008-08-20T22:54:00.002-06:00

So, I'm not necessarily joining the blogaday, but I think that I might try. It'll be kind of fun to see the rollarcoaster ride of emotions that the first few weeks of college will bring. I'm not making any promises, but I am going to try and write every day for a month. Go me!

I feel better today. My family is pretty happy about that. I wasn't the nicest person yesterday. My bad on that one. Today was definitely better though, and I'm sure my family is glad that my depression was but a small moment.

It's still really weird that everyone is gone, but I'm adjusting. I miss them all like crazy! But it's getting better. We get to go up on the thirteenth for the football game that we'll win. ;) That'll be fun. OK, so that's the understatement of the year. I can't even breathe I'm so happy about it! It'll be great to see everyone again, so I really hope that it works out that we can go down.

Anyways, new subject. I'm doing some math tutoring. Can you believe it? Who would have thought that I would ever tutor anyone in math. I'm helping a lady in my ward because she decided to go back to school to become an RN. It's pretty fun to be able to help her with her homework, and I feel like I'm doing something worthwhile. So, it's fun.

I think that's the only thing going on in my life right now. I'm also studying for my theory placement test on Friday. I'm so scared! I know that it's just a placement exam, so I can't fail, but there's still a huge part of me that wants to do well. So, I've been studying pretty hard for that this week. I'm also practicing two songs that I'll sing for a choir audition as well as an audition for a private vocal coach. It's pretty exciting stuff, but it's still really intimidating. I'm scared for the test, and I'm nervous and kind of excited for the auditions. I'm sure you'll hear about how they go. :D

Well, I hope that everyone is doing well tonight. This blogaday thing is kind of new to me, so if you have any suggestions, I'd love to hear them. Keep smiling everyone. And once again, to all of you who are far far away, I still miss you. Good luck with everything you're doing.

-Fluffy

(8) So you had a bad day (8)

2008-08-19T17:04:00.005-06:00

So, I have good news and I have bad news.

I personally believe that bad news should always go first. So...

The bad news is that my friends are all officially gone as of today. I can't even think about Katie without tearing up. I know. I'm lame. So sue me. It's been about eight hours since she's been gone...

There is good news though. I felt so terrible that Katie left me that I went to buy a new shirt and some headbands for school. So, now I'll look super cute for the first day of school. Yay! It was a relatively cheap shirt too. That made it double great. Oh, and I got my hair cut. I love it.

I never thought that shopping would ever make me feel better, but it did.

So, what's the moral of the story?
I'll feel better in about a month. Right now, I feel abandoned, scared, and sad. I do look cute though so that's good news...

Good luck friends. To those of you who are very very far away. I miss you, and good luck.

-Fluffy

Moving On

2008-08-13T15:05:00.002-06:00

Here I am :) Hooray. I'm pretty happy today. I'm not overly happy like I am on the days that I can't control my laughter, but I'm just contently happy today. Mostly. I'm still scared to death about heading up to school and all of my friends leaving, but there's something in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me that everything will be ok. I know that it's going to be hard for the first little while, and I know that it will be hard for me to make new friends for the first little while, but I'm making every effort to make it easier. I've joined a club, institute, committees, the Bennion center, and signed up for classes. So, I really am trying to put myself out there.

You know, I think that's the thing that scares me the most- putting myself out there. Today while I was at work I got to sit up at the front for a bit. That's a really great thing because you don't really have to do much. It's a nice break from running around and telling children and fellow employees what to do. So, I was sitting up there and a really sweet mom was up there with her little boy waiting for a few people. She was really nice, and trying to make conversation, but I'm just not very good at that. It really does take me a while to be secure enough to talk to people well. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? Anyways, it's true. I remember way back when council started at the beginning of the school year, it took me months to be able to feel comfortable in our activities and meetings. I'm laughing now looking back on how shy I felt, but at the time it was terrible for me. I couldn't understand why I couldn't talk to the people that I was with. I just get so intimidated and shy sometimes. I'm terrified that when I go to school that I'll have no one to talk to for a really long time. So a really long time to me is a few months, but still. A few months is a long time to have no one to talk to.

There's really only one person that I feel completely comfortable talking to. She knows who she is ;) Anyways, she's leaving me. I don't blame her for leaving me, but I worry about those Sunday nights when I'm having a pity party for myself and she won't be there. She listens to me, gives me advice, and just loves me. I really don't know what I'm going to do without her. She already knows that I'm going to miss her like dieting people miss their favorite dessert, but seriously, I don't know what I'm going to do. Thank goodness for cell phones and cars, I suppose.

Anyways, this is going to be a really interesting transition for me. I know that I won't lose myself through it, because I have come way too far and grown way too much to turn back on myself now, but I just hope that it'll be easier than I'm anticipating. I know that everything will be fine. There really isn't anything to worry about with all the support I have, but I'm still worried, and I'll still really miss some people. I just hope that I'll be able to find some courage in myself that I didn't know I had. I hope that I'll be able to make my box a lot bigger while I try to adjust. There's nothing wrong with fearing doing hard things, as long as you do them anyway. Doing these things that are hard is going to make me stronger.

So, really I'm excited to start school. I am. I'm excited for the new adventures that I'll have, the things I'll learn, and the new people that I'll meet; however, I'm still a bit apprehensive about it all. I scared, but I can do it. It'll be hard, but totally worth it. Today my friend at work told me that college is something that changes you. I'm ready for that. I always want to be me, but the always improving version of me. Everything will be great, I just know it. I have people looking out for me, and everything is going to be fine. Have a wonderful day, everyone. Good luck with everything.

You make me smile, please stay for a while now.

2008-07-18T18:40:00.003-06:00

Well, sorry it's been so long since I last wrote here. I can't say that I've been too busy, I just really haven't felt like writing anything. I'm not really sure that I feel like writing anything right now either, so I hope that I can say something that's not weird or stupid. :) I've had a really great summer so far. I've pretty much just been working a few house a week and spending the rest of my time with friends and family. I love it so much. I love being able to focus on doing some things that I really like to do instead of constantly doing things that I have to do.

I got a new vocal coach for the summer. She's absolutely amazing and I'm so glad that she's helping me get ready for auditions! I need to call and set up another lesson now that I think about it... Anyways, she's amazing. She taught me one simple breathing trick that I have been doing wrong and suddenly, I can sing so much more supported! I can't even believe the difference that it made. I really liked my old vocal coach, bu in reality, she really wasn't experienced enough to teach me. I felt like she taught me things that I already knew and that she didn't know what to do with me next. My new teacher, however, knows exactly what to teach me and I really believe that I'll be pretty prepared for my auditions when school starts.

I'm pretty nervous for school to start. I'm still not really sure if music is the way that I want to go. I have another idea of what I'd like to do, I'm just not sure that it's something that is practical, I guess. I'm not going to go into anything on my blog, but feel free to ask me in person and I'll tell you what I've been thinking about. It's something that I've dreamed about for a while, I'm just not sure; but, I feel like I'm not really sure about very much lately. I'm not sure that the U is where I should be or if music is what I should major in; however, I have faith that it will all work out. You know, I truly believe that I have been placed to make certain decisions to help me grow the most. So, I really hope that I'm making all the right decisions right now.

A LOT of my friends are headed up to Utah State for college and I'm pretty bummed about that. I'm really going to miss the people that are headed up there. I'm losing some of my very best friends: boys and girls. One of my best friends told me that she thought about leaving me the other day and she cried to her mom. I just can't imagine being without some of the people that have helped me to get to where I am right now. I'm so happy for each and every one of them, but I'll miss them. I know that they're going to do amazing and awesome things at Utah State and that I'll do amazing and awesome things at the U, but I'll miss them a lot.

Then, soon after college starts a lot of my friends will be going on missions! It's so crazy to think about, but I couldn't be happier for each and every one of them who is making the right choice to serve the Lord. They'll have such great experiences and opportunities, and I can't wait to see the changes that come over them because of their service. Their missions will be so great for each and every one of them. It'll be hard to not be able to see some of them for two year, but I support each and every one of them for the righteous decision.

I think that what I'm trying to get at, is that my friends are going to do amazing things. I can't wait to pass someone in the grocery store and hear about their lives or hear from my parents that one of my old friends is doing something amazing. I have been so blessed to have each and every single friend that I have had throughout my life- especially in high school. We really did band together to become the best people we could during those three years, and I'm so grateful for every single person that helped me grow and become better. We're all going to do such amazing things. It's going to be hard for me the first few months, but I'm sure that I'll make more amazing friends, and I'll definitely NEVER forget the friends that I won't see as much. I'm sure there will probably be a few that I'll keep in contact with: phone calls, texts, and e-mails; but even the ones I don't, I want you to know that you're appreciated. I realize that very few people read this... my bad on that one, but I want all of you to know (even the ones that will never read this) that I truly was influenced for good because you were my friend. I truly believe that we become like our friends, and I'm so grateful that I was able to find good seeds. I found the best friends that a girl could ask for and I'm so grateful for that. I never have to worry about what we watch or listen to, because I know that my standards were respected and shared by my friends. So, I guess that was just a big huge thank you to everyone. It was a hard three years, but it was more than worth it so that I could meet some amazing people and grow into the type of person I am right now. Thank you everyone.

I can't see how things are going to pan out right now, but I know I'll look back in a few years and have more people to thank. I know I'll look back and be able to see even more growth in myself as well as my friends and that's an excellent thought. I hope that everyone has a spectacular summer. Take advantage of your opportunities and remember your blessings. I know I'm trying to do that better. :) Thank you for being my friends, I love you all.

-Fluffy

Quick Post

2008-05-17T15:06:00.003-06:00

Well, here I am. This probably won't be a very long post. I'm just kind of bored. Today has been a really good day so far! I went to T's house and attempted to help weed. :) My ankle impeded my progress a bit, but it was fun nonetheless, and then I played some basketball. I forgot how much I really do like playing things. haha I know that sounds kind of ridiculous, but I really do like just playing things for fun. I don't necessarily have to win (because I usually don't,) but it makes me happy to just play fun things with fun people.

I'm just having a really good day, and I thought that somebody might like to know that. :D Have a wonderful day everyone. I hope that everything is going well for you all.

-Fluffy

Happy Days

2008-04-30T20:23:00.004-06:00

Well, here I am again. I hope that everyone is doing well. Today was a really great day for me. I think that the greatest part happened after school. I went out to the seminary building, because I didn't have work or anything, and I talked with Thatcher, Hope, and Brother Coleman for a while. Thatcher left after a little while and then Brother Coleman had to do some stuff for the 9th graders video, and so I sat in Coleman's room and talked with Hope for about an hour. It was really awesome to get to talk to her. Then Brother Coleman said he was getting bored so we moved into the office where he was working and talked with him. It was really awesome. I learned a few things that I can really work on.

Brother Coleman said that we were good enough friends and so I wouldn't get offended if he told me something that I could improve upon haha so he told me that I'm too meek, I think he meant when it comes to sharing the gospel. I thought about it for a while and he's probably right. I think that I tend to think that people are set in their ways and they don't feel like changing and I don't feel like bothering them; however, I think I'm beginning to realize that even if people don't want to learn about the church from me, it's the biggest part of who I am and it's ok to share that with people. I'm also learning that people probably aren't quite as set in their ways as I think they are. People are probably more willing to change and find the truth than I think. I'm really excited to try to be more open about stuff like that. Even if all I change is inviting people to things that I don't think they'll come to, I'll be doing better and that's what I want to do. I want to share with people the best thing that I have in my life: the gospel. It's really important to me and it's ok to let people know that at appropriate times.

I really appreciate Brother Coleman. He's helped me through a lot and I'm really glad that he has so much faith in me. It's always nice to know that other people think that I'm doing well and that I'm trying my best. Anyways, the rest of the day was awesome too, but that was probably the best part of the day. There are so many things that I can improve on, but as Brother Coleman told me once, "It's not speed, it's direction." So I hope that I'm pointed in the right direction and that I'm doing my best to improve my weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Things are tough, but I know I can make it through because I have spiritual help on my side. Thanks for listening, and have a great night. I hope things are going well for you all. Keep moving along and doing your best.

-Fluffy

Sure on this shining night

2008-04-26T22:28:00.002-06:00

Today was a really interesting day. Actually, it's been a really interesting week for me. I've had A LOT of ups and downs, but I think that all in all it's been a pretty successful week. It was a really busy week, but still good. Today was state solo and ensemble and I think it went pretty well, but I think that I'll write about that some other time. I'm kind of having one of those thoughtful nights. It's not thoughtful to the max where I'm all emotional and filled with thoughts and feelings; rather, I feel inwardly good about most things I think. There are still a few things that I don't feel at peace about, but I don't want to think about those things tonight. I want to think about the good things and I really want to feel good about those good things.

You know, I'm not really sure what I'm going to talk about throughout this post so it'll probably be kind of random and it might even turn into one of those posts that I will regret in the morning, but I'm going to post it anyway. This is just going to be a post for me to get out some thoughts and to feel them. Sometimes it's nice to just feel things.

So, I've been thinking a lot about Merilee Webb these past few days. I thought about her today actually while we were at solo ensemble listening to another madrigal choir. They moved a lot with the music, and while I didn't really like the way it looked when they performed, it made me think about what Merilee taught me while she was a sub at our school. Thatcher said something in one of his posts a while ago about how he would really miss her as a mentor and you know, I really miss her too. She taught me about more than just how the music should sound, she taught me how the music should feel. But I think that some of the most important lessons that she taught me had nothing to do with music. She taught me how to be and I'll never forget that. I can never forget how she taught me to make my box bigger. She taught me that we all fear things, but doing hard things only makes us stronger. I really love the way that Mrs. T teaches and I definitely don't love her any less or more than Merilee; but, I still miss the feeling of walking into class and knowing that I was going to be challenged to better myself.

She is a really amazing person and I'll never forget the lessons that she taught me while she was teaching at our school. I really appreciate what she did to make me a better person. I miss her and I hope that she knows that she helped me to change for the better and to view life in a new way.

I think that for the past little while I've been neglecting the things that I learned from Merilee. My box really did get a lot bigger while she was here, but I think that I've been letting it shrink back down a little bit and I think that I've been looking at things with the wrong attitude. There are so many things that are difficult and I have been looking at them that way. I think that lately I've been really slacking on some things that I should be working a lot harder at. I definitely haven't been working as hard this term as I should be. I really am busy, but I know that I can find time to fit all of that in. I really want to try and be better and so I think that that will be my goal. I'm going to try and remember the things that I learned from Merilee. I'm going to try and kick this term in the okole. It's going to be really tough because I really just want to give up sometimes, but I'm going to try my best.

Anyways, moving on to some other stuff that I want to talk about. Tonight is just one of those nights that I really want to have someone to talk to. I want to go and sit outside under the stars and talk about things. I want to tell someone who's special to me about who I am and what I think about. Sometimes I just feel like I talk about trivial things with a lot of people and I think that it would be nice to have a meaningful talk with someone. Maybe I'm just being a hopeless romantic, but it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

I feel kind of like I've lost touch with a few of my friends lately, but I've gotten closer to some others at the same time. I have two wonderful best friends, but something has definitely changed there. I'm sure that I should take a lot of the blame because of my busy schedule, but I miss them. I miss how we used to be. Earlier this year I wrote a paper for English about losing a friend and I wrote it about one of my best friends. Since then it's gotten better, I don't feel like I've lost her as a friend, but I feel like we have a different friendship. It's really ok though because I understand that she has a lot of other people that she would rather be with, but I still miss it and it hurts to think that I'm not someone she wants to spend her time with anymore. I really do miss Frogger days during the summer and I miss hanging out at Katie's house practically every day after school. It makes me a little sad to think that days like that are over. Even though summer will be here soon, I know that there won't ever be summer's like the summer's from Junior High days. It sounds kind of stupid, but I miss it. I know that there are tons of other things to look forward to, but I still miss the way it used to be sometimes.

You know what? I think that all of these ideas are tying together. I think that what I really need to do is take my own advice. I need to live for the here and now. There's a song that I really love and the chorus says this... "you're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast." and it's really true. I think that I need to try harder to live in the here and now. I miss past days, but there are so many things that are happening right now and more importantly, there are still a lot of people that I can help right now. The future is coming, but it can wait because I don't want to miss all the wonderful things that are happening to me right now. I'm never going to be in this same situation again and in a few years I don't want to look back on this last term of high school and think of all the things that I could have done better. I want to look back and think about how much fun I had and how I tried my best in all the things that I could and how I tried to serve and love as many people as I could.

So, I need to prioritize. I need to find the things that I love and are important to me and I need to focus on those because I really don't want to miss this. Well, I'm off to do some things that I need to get done. Have a great night everybody. I hope you're all doing well and remember that I'm here if you need someone.

"All is healed. All is health."

-Fluffy

It's me...

2008-04-14T21:41:00.002-06:00

Well, here I am. It's been a while since I've written for my blog. This is partly due to my lack of time and partly due to my lack of motivation. It doesn't really matter though because I'm the only one that reads this. ;)

Stuff has been going pretty well lately except for a few things. I'm having a really hard time in my AP classes. I just can't seem to make myself do the work. I don't want to do calculus. I don't mind studying for the test and trying to do stuff that way, but I really don't want to do the assignments and it makes me really angry that I have to do them. I don't get angry very often, but in calculus I sure do. Calculus just seems to bring out the worst in me lately and I really quite honestly can't wait until it's over.

Then, in English today, I pretty much failed. I just didn't know what to do with the practice test that she gave us and I really honestly did not do well. I got really upset. I feel really bad when I get upset because I usually get mean and angry and I don't mean to. I say and think things that I regret because I let my emotions take hold of me. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't express emotions. I don't know if anyone else feels this way, but sometimes I feel like people don't really care about what's bothering me, but they care that something is bothering me enough to make me act differently than I normally do. I don't know if that makes any sense, but sometimes I feel like I can't be anything but the happy and bubbly self that I usually am.

My mom said something really interesting to me when I expressed this to her a while ago. She told me that people don't really care about what's bothering me and it's probably true. People care about me and I know that, but sometimes people just really don't want to hear about my problems. It's OK, I don't need people to listen to me express what I'm feeling, but sometimes I wish that I had someone that I could really talk to when I get angry at school. But, since there isn't really anyone like that, I just take the hall pass until I feel better, even though I don't usually feel better until after the class is over...

I just feel like sometimes I'm the middle roader. I have all these amazing friends that do amazing things and I'm an average girl doing pretty average things. It's fine with me that I'm like that, but sometimes I wish that AP class stuff came easier to me. I wish that I were able to pick up on calculus the same way that some of my other friends do. I'm not bad at it, but I'm not really good either. I don't know, this post was mostly just my ramblings and I'll probably think it's stupid in a few years or days, but this is stuff that is really actually things that I worry about and so it's important to me. I don't really care if it's stupid. This is the real me. This is me really expressing concerns that I have and I don't really care if other people don't want to listen.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm the only one that's struggling with my classes and I really wish that I didn't feel that way because I feel like I'm not supposed to feel that way. I know that I'm smart, but I know that I'm not the smartest one and there are things that I struggle with and it's really difficult for me to accept that I struggle with things that other people might not struggle with. Anyways, I feel a little better now. I feel like I've put out most of my emotions. It doesn't make my problems go away; yet, somehow I still feel validated. I feel like I have at least expressed about a tenth of what I feel.

Really I'm a happy person, but even happy people have things that they struggle with and these are a few of my struggles. Have a great night. Keep pressing forward, I know that that's what I'm going to do.

-Fluffy

Happy Valentines Day!

2008-02-16T17:48:00.003-07:00

Happy Valentines Day! I know it's two days after Valentines day, but at least I'm making an effort, right?

Well the real reason that I haven't written is probably because my family is gone. They went on vacation and I really miss them. I've been living at my aunt's house which has been awesome. My aunt's really cool and she pretty much just wants me to check in every now and again. It's great that I have such an awesome extended family. I do really miss sleeping at my own house though.

Through all of this, I've been thinking a lot about college. Being away from my family has been hard for me and it has only been a few days! I don't know what I'll do if I go away to college. I'll miss my family so much.

I really didn't appreciate all that my family does to keep my house clean and functional. I've had to get the cat, get the mail, shovel, and keep things clean while my family has been gone and it takes a lot of time. I don't realize how much my family does for me.

Anyways, the point of this post is to let you know that I care a lot about my family. My mom is my best friend. She's one of the only people that I can tell everything to and I know that she actually cares. Her love for me is unconditional and it's amazing. No matter what I do, she still loves me. I don't tell her enough how much I appreciate all that she does for me, but I really do. I can tell her anything and everything and she'll listen to me. One of the things that I love most about my mom is that she listens.

My sister is awesome. We get along really well most of the time. She likes to wrestle lol which is fun sometimes... :) She's cute and she's really strong spiritually and physically which is such a great example to me. I know it's weird that I look up to my younger sister, but I do. She really loves the gospel and she's so happy all the time. People love being around my sister because she's happy and she knows who she is. I wish that I could be more like that. She's beautiful inside and out and I love her for who she is. We talk about everything and I love that we get along so well. I feel bad for people who don't get along with their siblings because I know how awesome it can be to feel like your sister is one of your best friends.

My dad is great. He's always been a great provider for our family and I love that he holds and honors his priesthood. He's a really great person and he has overcome so many struggles in his life. I think that is what I love about my dad. I love that he is stronger because of the challenges he has faced. There have been so many times when my dad could have given up, but he never did. No matter what obstacle he faces, he overcomes it. He does what he can to move on with his life.

My family is great and I really love them. Moving to college will be hard, but I know that my family will support me and love me no matter what I do or where I go. My family will always be here for me to talk and laugh with. So hooray for awesome families that are trying their best to do good things and hooray for Valentines day week. Everything is going great :) Have an awesome week!

-Fluffy

(8) I'm so happy, I'm so happy (8)

2008-01-17T19:55:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted. Today at work I wasn't sure if I would be able to keep it up, but I did. Hooray me. Anyways, as I was trying to make it through about the 80th (that's an exaggeration) time that I had mopped, I thought about something. I was exhausted and pretty much could have dropped to the ground at any moment, but I was happy.

I considered this for a really long time. How in the world was I happy when I felt like I hadn't slept in days and I'd been running a marathon? I was happy because I know who I am and I have the gospel in my life. I wasn't running around laughing and screaming, but I was inwardly happy today.

Then I thought about end of term. Am I glad it's end of term? You better believe I'm glad that it's end of term. I worked my butt off for my grades this term. I can't remember a time when I've really had to step it up and try really hard to keep my grades up, but this term I did. I guess I just had a lot of other things in my life and so it was harder to balance them. Anyways, I'm pretty proud of all the hard work though. Calculus was really hard for me at the beginning of the year, (I apologize to my class mates who had to watch me complain) but I'm doing so much better now. I'm not excellent at the math, but I'm trying my hardest. I'm trying to study and learn and pay attention better than I ever have in that class. Some of the things take me a lot longer than other people and I'm still not amazing at it, but I have improved so much. It was really hard for me to do and I hope that I didn't act like too big of an idiot on the way. :)

So this term was awesome, hard, busy, cool, and fun, but in the end I made it through all the stuff and I'm pretty proud of how it all turned out. I'm happy. I can be exhausted, beaten, and broken and I'm still happy because I know that I have friends and family that love me, I know I have the gospel, and I know that I have a loving Heavenly Father who cares about me. It's not always easy to remember these things when times are hard, but I still know deep down that it's true.

Have a wonderful night everyone. Hooray for end of term and hooray for the start of a new one.

-Fluffy

2008-01-09T15:55:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I had my meeting with Ms. Parrish about all the essays that we have written so far in English. I did better than I thought and I was really happy about that. She made me feel like there was hope for my writing as opposed to telling me that I sucked. haha I appreciated that. Anyways, I'm writing about this experience because it helped me to realize something about myself. At the very beginning of the meeting, Ms. Parrish asked me what kind of writer I thought I was. I told her that I thought I was OK. Then, she asked me if I liked writing and I explained that I enjoy writing sometimes and that my favorite writing is what I write in my journal because no one else reads it; there's no risk. She proceeded to tell me that she found that very interesting because that's exactly what she thought as she was reading through my essays. I'm often concerned about what other people think of me.

In seminary, we had a lesson about fear. It was one of those lessons that I really needed. The lesson was based mostly on fear when leaving for missions, but I decided to apply it to other areas of my life. Fear isn't necessary, but it's something that is often present in my life. I fear that people won't accept me when they get to know me. I fear that if I talk to someone I'll say something stupid. I'm afraid that people won't think that I'm smart enough, pretty enough, or good enough. I know in my heart that none of these things matter as long as I'm trying my best, but it's hard for me to accept. I'm working at communicating better with people. I'm also working at caring more about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. He's on my side and he wants me to be better, so I'm trying.

It's not that I have low self-esteem or anything, I just can't seem to get past what I think other people think about me. It's like when I'm playing softball and I'm up to bat. My coach is telling me to step into my hits and the ball will go a lot father. For the first few swings, I do exactly what my coach is telling me to do; however, eventually I slip back into my old habits and I forget to step into my hits. I know that if I step into it, I'll do so much better in softball, but I can't seem to get out of my bad habit.

This same things seems to be happening in my life when it comes to caring about what other people think. I know that I don't need to worry about it and I've got people constantly telling me how to fix it, but I can't seem to find the strength to turn my weakness into a strength. I fix it for a few hours or a few days, but then I slip back into my old habit of closing myself off to keep myself safe. I end up doing the things that are comfortable rather than doing the things that will make me better.

There's no reason for me to be fearful of other people, so I'm trying to be better. I'm trying my best to rely on my Heavenly Father for the guidance and help that I need. So, I'm trying to be open. At work, I try to talk to people and I've even attempted unfolding my arms so I seem more approachable lol. At school I'm trying to talk to people, even if it's hard for me. I'm improving and I know that I'm doing my best to show people who I really am.

D&C 6:36 "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."

-Fluffy

(8) Nothing's Wrong With Me (8)

2008-01-01T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I was watching Oprah today and I was very much intrigued by the show. The show was called something like the High School Challenge. They showed a high school that did this crazy cool activity where the got a bunch of students together from all the different clicks and they had them open up to each other. They talked about all sorts of prejudices, hurts, and pains that the students had gone through.

It was really interesting to see how I, living really far away from this high school, could still connect to these students. I had been through many of the same things that these other high school students had been through. The talked about being teased and made fun of a lot and most of us can probably identify with that. I'm sure that most, if not all, of us have been teased by someone on quite a few occasions.

In the segment they did an activity where they said something and everyone that identified with it stepped across the line. They had categories for racism, teasing, and so much more and it was interesting to see which of the categories I would have stepped over the line for.

Anyways, the point of the whole activity was to attempt to break down some of the barriers that are created in high school. It was to get us to look past certain prejudices that we have against people based on race, gender, or anything else that is just a part of who people are. The point was to try and show people how to be less biased and judgemental. A lot of the kids that shared parts of their lives shared things that couldn't be seen based on a glance. Many of the teenagers were going through really tough things like weight problems, death, sickness, and low self-esteem.

I'm definitely not perfect at not being judgemental, but I'm going to try to be better. I'm really going to try to understand that everyone is trying to do their best and I shouldn't judge someone that I don't really know. It's hard; it's worth it.

-Fluffy

2007-12-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Music is a beautiful thing! I love it! Well, I was bored and so this is what I made. They're not really that cool, but I like them. :D

:)

2007-11-27T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well, my printer is really slow. I'm waiting for my essay to be printed and I needed four copies of it. Oh well.

I'm really grateful for my friends and family. I think it's so cool when I'm having a hard day and someone asks me if I'm doing ok and if they can help. It means so much to me when people take the time to talk with me.

I've kind of been having a hard night. I've just been really stressed out lately and it kind of caught up with me. Then Thatcher asked me if I was ok and if I wanted to talk and so we talked about his awesome trees and I really did feel better. It just felt good that somebody noticed that I needed a little cheering up. So thanks Thatcher. :D

And now Brad is talking to me too and so is Kortney. Thanks guys. You guys are what make my life happy :D

I have such great friends and I'm really grateful for them.

Life's good. It's busy and it's hard to balance everything, but it's good and I love it. I love all the people around me.

So this was just a reminder to all the people in my life. Thank you so much for all that you do for me. Without you, I wouldn't make it through.

-Fluffy

Once Upon a...

2007-11-05T18:41:00.001-07:00

Hooray for the play. I'm leaving in about five minutes to go and see it! I can't even wait. I'm sure that everyone will do a great job.

I heard something about live chickens...

Good luck everyone!

-Fluffy

C&P

2007-11-04T20:33:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that this essay is kicking my butt. This essay is so hard for me to write! I've already been working on it for like two and a half hours and I only have a page!!!!

I wish I were better at writing essays... I just can't ever seem to say what I want to say! Oh well. At least tomorrow we're only doing peer reviews...

Wish me luck!

-Fluffy

Happy day

2007-10-29T11:29:00.000-06:00

This break was what I really needed to start feeling like myself again.

Church was great yesterday. I felt so happy to be there. I really felt like talking to people and being my best self. It was great. I didn't feel like I had to hide behind a fake smile. I truly wanted and loved being there. It was such a great feeling to be happy.

And today is going to be great too :D I'm doing so many fun things! I'm so excited.

Hooray for happy days!

-Fluffy

(8) There's no difference between the tear drops and the rain (8)

2007-10-19T17:49:00.000-06:00

It has been a really long time since I have posted on my blog. Nobody reads this anymore, but that is ok with me. I don't really feel like writing for anyone but myself right now anyway.

I am just going to write about my life right now and how I feel about it...

I feel like I am too hard on myself sometimes. When I don't have a perfect day, I blame myself for the things that I did wrong. I think that sometimes I really dwell on mean things I say or mean things I do. I don't mean to do or say mean things, I just do sometimes.

I wish that I really felt happy with myself lately. I know it's kind of silly and trite, but I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like nothing that I'm doing is good enough. I know that all of these bad feelings are just because of my attitude, but I can't seem to change it. I keep finding myself slipping back into the same ruts that I thought I'd already moved far away from.

There are so many great things that i have in my life and I know that. I know that I am a truly blessed person and that my Heavenly Father loves me. But sometimes it's really hard for me to love myself inspite of all of that. There are so many things that I can improve at.

The other day I really sat down and did my homework and I realized that most of the things that I "didn't know how to do" I really did know how to do them I was just too lazy or busy, I don't know which one, to really sit down and try them.

Sometimes I just wish that my moods and feelings were more constant than they are... It just feels like I'm on this random rollar coaster or emotions and feelings and every day brings me a different attitude. Somedays I feel like going for it all. I feel like giving my 100% and nothing less. And then other days I feel more like I do today. I feel like I'm an ok person but not really contributing anything. I feel like I'm making mistakes right and left and I'm barely scraping by. I wish I could understand why I feel like this sometimes.

Anyways, sorry (if anyone even reads this) that you have to listen to me be sad. I really do know that I'm blessed and I have such a great life. I just really needed to get a few feelings off my chest. Don't think I'm an unhappy person, it just seems to be harder for me lately. I'll get it figured out though and everything will be better. I think that I even feel a little better right now.

-Fluffy

Commonly asked...

2006-12-20T17:43:00.000-07:00

So you guys came up with some pretty good questions. Especially Dr. Paleo. :D So that is what I’m going to blog about today. I’m just going to answer your questions and if you have more, feel free to comment.

Question #1 Why are you so cool?

Well I don’t really know. Actually I’m not sure that I am all that cool, but I would like to thank Samantha for thinking that I am. That’s my goal anyways, to make people think that I’m cool. HAHA So Samantha thank you for complementing me in question form. :D

Question #2 Do you fear death?

Well to tell you the truth. I’m not really sure that I fear death itself, just because of my belief that it’s the next step in our eternal progression. But I do fear the way that I could die. It scares me to think that I could...

1- burn to death
2- drown
3- die in an earth quake
4- die in anyway other than in my sleep when I’m old

So yeah, I also fear dying at a young age. I really feel like I have things to accomplish still. So I guess in a way, I do fear dying. I fear that I won't be able to finish everything. And it scares me to think that I might have to leave people behind.

Question #3 What do you believe will happen to you when you die?

Well I believe that I will be doing work on the other side helping others to progress. In my church we believe that we will someday be Gods and Goddesses of our own worlds as well. We don’t really know very much about it, but from what I do know, it’s going to be amazing. Not that I want to go do it right now. I still have a long life to live, but when it does happen it should be a spectacular thing.

Question #4 Do you believe in war?

Wow. That’s a really tough question to answer. I believe in war in certain situations. For example, during World War 2 when Hitler was over Germany, I believe that it was very necessary for other nations to step in and fight against the unjust things that were happening. When innocent people are being brutally killed I think that sometimes it’s the only option that we have. After everything has been done to try to settle the conflicts peacefully, I believe that war is probably the best solution. But war should be a last resort, and never our first choice.

Question #5 If you were being physically attacked, would you want a guy to interfere?

Yes. If I were being physically attacked and someone came to rescue me, I would welcome that rescue with open arms.

Question #6 Do you believe in Bigfoot?

I believe in the statue of Bigfoot. Someone told me about that statue. I don’t remember who though…I think it was a teacher. Plus, The Goofy Movie has made me a firm believer in that “beast.” G O B I G F O O T !

Question #7 Kortney’s Question

Yes I know what you’re talking about, and I’m not sure. He said, “Ask this week.” But I’m not sure, so do what your heart tells you. :D

Ask Away

2006-12-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been a really really long time since I last posted. I've just been busy and when I wasn't busy, I slept. So anyways life's been pretty crazy lately. I've been singing, going to school, going to work, and doing homework pretty much every day. So I've been a little stressed trying to fit everything into my schedule. I'm hardly ever home, but my family understands. And I'm falling behind with my homework, but a few study parties here and there will solve that problem. I really love all the performances that we do though. As hard as it is to fit it in to my schedule sometimes, I'm really going to miss performing all the time. I really like it. Even when it's hot and sweaty and my throat hurts, afterwards I always feel good. Plus I just really love singing.

So I don't really have anything to say, so if you have any questions that you would like to ask me just post them on the comments and I'll answer them (probably.) That sounds like a fun adventure. :D

(8) No one mourns the wicked (8)

2006-11-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

So every time I hear that song I think about some things. It makes me feel bad that no one cares about bad people. I mean it’s true, if someone does something bad, we feel good when we see them locked behind bars for the rest of their life. We feel good knowing that they won’t have the opportunity to hurt anyone else, including ourselves. It makes us feel good to feel safe. On the opposite end of things, when we hear that someone has done something terrible and is still roaming our streets, we get a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs. A feeling that lets us know that something is not right and something is not safe. As a basic human nature we like things to feel safe. We don’t like things to change and we definitely don’t like things that are different from the ordinary.

From what I understand about this song, since I haven’t seen the play, the witch is born green. Now we can all imagine what it would be like to see someone that is green walking down the street. We would be scared. It would probably make us feel uncomfortable because we wouldn’t know how to react to the situation. We probably wouldn’t know what to do with our eyes or if we should smile or not. We would be confused about how this could happen to someone. And most likely we wouldn’t talk to them. We would keep walking, pretending that we had never seen them.

So I’ve related this to real life. When we see something different we are afraid of it because we don’t know how to react to it. We don’t know what to expect and it scares us. There are so many different people all around us and it is hard for most people to look past those differences and find similarities. As a whole, especially as Americans, we are a very closed minded people. When we see someone, we immediately find flaws. We have been trained to look someone over to see if they/we measure up and we’re constantly comparing ourselves to other people. We look to see if our hair is as pretty as theirs or if our clothes are cuter than theirs. We have been trained to find things about ourselves that make us superior or inferior to those around us and it makes us feel better to know that there is at least one thing about ourselves that is, in our eyes, adequate.

The American population has been sucked into this hole where we have certain things that make us beautiful. Young women are especially drawn into this hole because we see all the different magazines and pictures of these perfect people and we will never be able to look like them.

Story #1
So on Wednesday at our activity we had Cherie Call come (she’s an LDS singer for those of you that don’t know who she is.) One of the first things that she talked about was her picture on her poster. She said that she laughs every time she sees it because people always tell her she looks so much different in real life. So she explained that the only reason her poster pictures looked so good was because she had people following her around all day making sure she looked perfect during her photo shoot and then after the photo shoot, they found two or three pictures that they could actually use and they made them even better over the computer. So she laughed and told us that there was no need to try and look as good as the women in magazines and things because they didn’t even look that way.

We all feel inferior to someone at one time or another. Often times someone will say something that makes us feel bad, but we think to ourselves, "if they took the time to say it, it must be true." And so we allow ourselves to believe that everyone else's opinion matters more than our own.

Story #2
Today in Young Women's, our teacher used the famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I really like that quote because it's true. We let people determine how we will act, feel, think, etc. all the time and it's time that we stood up for ourselves and decided for ourselves that we are adequate enough to be here. We are all important no matter how strange we are.

So moral of the story is that we should all try to be proud of who we are. There is no need for us to focus on our flaws or anyone else’s. We really need to try to find the good in people, even when there might seem to be no good to be found. Everyone has to have something good inside them, even the wicked.

FAVORITES!

2006-10-30T18:05:00.000-07:00

So I’ve decided that I can’t really think of anything to write. So I’m going to talk about my favorite things.

Favorite things:

#1 My Family

I love my Family. I don’t know where I would be without them. They’re so supportive. My Mom is just amazing. She’s always there and she knows exactly what to do. I mean, when I had my anxiety attack thing a while ago, she knew what to do. And when I’m sick she knows that I just need some rest and chicken noodle soup and I’ll be better in no time. I just love my family. I love them more than words can express. My little sister is really easy to get along with. Sometimes we fight, but most of the time we get along pretty well. The very first day I got my licence, I took my sister to a movie. We had so much fun! My Mom was worried, but it all worked out all right. And my Dad is just amazing. He’s such a great Dad. He’s a really excellent breakfast maker. His egg mcmuffins make my heart sing because of how good they are! So I just love my family. They’ll always be there and that just gives me a certain comfort knowing that I’ll always have them to rely on.

#2 Friends!

Friends are so much fun! I have way too many to name them all and say happy things about them. Without friends, life would be no fun! I would have no parties to go to, no one to talk to when I was lonely, and no one to laugh hysterically with when I need a good laugh. I just love friends and I’m really glad that all of my friends are so good at keeping their standards high. I love being able to feel comfortable with my friends because we all talk about appropriate things. HOORAY GOOD, CLEAN FUN!

#3 Singing

I’ve already told you how much I love to sing, but I guess I’ll tell you again. It’s my passion. THE END.

#4 Guitar Hero

Wow, do I love that game. It makes me feel like a rock star! It’s so cool when you get an amazing note streak or a really high percent. You just feel cool. End of story.
Well I have to go now so I’ll finish this list later when I think of more favorites!

This is Fluffy signing off! Peace out.

The Crazy Ladies!

2006-10-21T10:28:00.000-06:00

All right, so the crazy ladies is us. :D Our volleyball team had some serious hyperness issues today. IT WAS AMAZING!! We played like we've never played before. We were on one today, and it was spectacular! We are the only team that is undefeated. Yeah that's right. You can mark that one in the record books.

I was actually kind of worried that we wouldn't have enough players. It was about 5 minutes before our first game and we only had 3 girls. But by the time the game started we had 7. And I think we had 9 by the end of our games. It's so different than when I was a beehive. We had so many girls. I think we had 60 in our whole young womens, and 40 that actually came. We had enough girls that came to volleyball to make 3 teams. We were lending our girls to smaller wards right and left. So it's different now. Not bad. Just different. I kind of like the smaller ward thing though. We have more opportunities to be a close ward. And we are. I love my ward. And we rule at volleyball!

So pretty much the only reason that we do so well is because of our sportsmanship. Kudos to the girls. We congratulate everyone. If they mess up, we give them a pat on the back anyway. We cheer just as loud for the weaker players on our team. And even when someone does get mad, we let it blow over and in 2 minutes no one even remembers it.

So the moral of the story is that I love being on a team with good sportsmanship, it makes being posotive a lot easier. GO VOLLEYBALL GIRLS!

"Accepted"

2006-10-14T16:10:00.000-06:00

So having a blog is an interesting thing. Everything that happens, or anything I think or feel, I say, "Wow that would make a cool blog entry." So today is going to be something that I've been thinking and feeling for a really long time.

It's sort of a jumble of thoughts and feelings about being accepted and stuff. Many of you would term this entry as ranting. I term this as thought releasing. So here I go.

So I've been thinking a lot about human behavior. We are so weird. We do some of the strangest things, that don't really make sense.

Examples:

I wear jeans every day just like everyone else, and I have no idea why. Do you know why you were jeans instead of sweats to school? I personally believe that my sweats would beat my jeans on the comfortable scale any day of the week. But I wear jeans. I wear jeans because that's how I feel "accepted." All right, so obviously this whole acceptance idea isn't based on jeans. But this "jean theory" got me thinking about all the other things that I do. I mean why do I do my hair in the morning? It takes a lot longer to actually try and make it look good, than to just put it in a pony tail and call it beautiful.

Now most of us don't spend 3 hours in front of the mirror trying to be beautiful, but all of us at least try to look our best. We all try to be accepted by our peers. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I want to feel so good about myself that it doesn't even matter if my shirt has a ketchup stain from my hamburger at lunch. I feel the need to be accepted because of who I am.

Some days I feel like walking down the halls and singing my heart out. Why don't I? Because of the fear of not being accepted by the people around me. I want to be accepted. When we have a lot of friends, we feel good. And we all want to feel good.

So basically, I don't even know what being accepted means any more. If you smoke you can be accepted by the punks; if you play sports you can be accepted by the jocks; and if you play rock paper scissors really well then you can be accepted by the rock paper scissors clan. It's so insane.

So although I'll probably never be able to change the way people perceive things, I can at least try to be accepted by the people that I know will love me even if I do wear sweats instead of jeans.

That is all. This is Fluffy signing off.

Holy Crapamolli

2006-10-13T09:26:00.000-06:00

All right so really I have no idea how you spell crapamolli so that was a complete guess on my part.

So I kind of like this blogger thing. I'm such a follower. I thought to myself today...self...everyone else has a blog so why don't you? So I made one. Wow I'm going to work on being more of an individualist. Anyway so today I think I'll pick a random subject to talk about. How about singing.

All right so singing is a huge part of my life. I love it. I practically drink in the joy of singing. I don't know where I'd be without the happiness singing brings me. So often in this blog of mine I will tell stories. You might not want to read said stories, but I will write them.

Story #1

So one time, I was downstairs singing my heart out. I love to sing opera when I'm all alone, it makes me feel...sort of like Christy from Phantom of the Opera. So I was singing this, what I thought to be lovely, music. And all of a sudden I hear a slight shrill coming from the top of the stairs. Who is it? It's my mother. And what does she say? Not, "wow Melissa you sound lovely you should sing opera more often." No. She says, "Melissa are you OK down there?" Wow I didn't think I sounded that bad. HAHA So I just laughed and went on my merry way.

Music is amazing. I am really glad that I have it in my life. Although, I'll never be as musically knowledgeable as Molly. I swear that girl knows every band in the world. I could probably ask her about some random band from Bolivia and she'd know what I was talking about. She's a stud. That's why we're best friends. She's a stud, I'm not. She completes me.

I still really like it. I really like singing more than I do listening though. I like to try new things and experiment. I guess I really like it because there's no right or wrong answer. It's not like math or science where everything has to be exact. It's totally free. Open to new ideas. I mean really, look at how much music has changed over the years. And think about it...if you miss a note, you can finish the song just fine. If you miss a numer in a math problem, you're basically doomed. You might as well have not even started the problem. Wow that sounded really cynical didn't it? Oh well, that's what high school will do to you. :D

Well Molly needs to see this mad action before she goes to clean her room so, this is Fluffy signing off.